Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Thank you, sorry and goodbye

Dear Dan,

I hope that you read the whole letter because I'm really afraid that you won't and all the thoughts inside of my head right now would be wasted. I'll try not to be angry so please try to read it with an open heart just simply for the fact that once upon a time, you told me that you loved me and that I believed you. I don't know if it is wrong or if it is right but I believe that at that moment in time, both of us believed that it was true.

This is not a letter for you to take me back. This is not a plea for you to have mercy. And I'm hoping that once finished, this is not a letter that is a shout of anger as well.

I'm going to the ob-gyne again this Friday and I'm hoping that in spite of the fact that there has been some stress, I have not done anything bad to my baby.

I'm sorry if I'm not willing to share. I'm sorry if I sprung it on you but I didn't mean to have this happen. I did not mean for the things that happened to happen. Please do not get me wrong, I love this baby and I want it with all my heart. I did not steal her. I truly thought I was not fertile but I have had a change in my medication, as the doctor has told me to stop medication for a while and this has affected my cycle.

I'm sorry I did not talk to you decently on the phone when you called to ask. I'm sorry because at that point in time, I could not talk about it. I was so angry at you then that I did not have the heart to talk to you at all. At that point in time, I was at a place and with a person that I dare not tell. I really don't know when I'd ever tell anybody else but it's my life and since right now I am alone, I do not have to worry.

First off, I'd like to say thank you for the 4 years you have given me. It had a lot of ups and downs and though a part of me is angry and have not forgive you completely, another part of me is happy to have felt all the feelings I have felt when I was with you and I am truly grateful to have been loved and to have loved you.

I have given a lot of thought and have written a lot of things over the past few days. I have scrolled back to the letters and I have viewed back on the pictures. The things that I have written, reread and viewed have given me enough of strength to be able to write this with a little less anger, a bit more forgiveness and a lot more compassion for you.

I'm sorry that I found it so hard and am still finding it hard to let you go. I have thought of death, loss of memory or simply murder, I confess. But as I said, there has been a lot of realization. Please do not worry, as you know, all the knives around here are blunt. I don't think I have enough will to knock myself out. As for murder, I'm trying really hard to forgive you one thing at a time. The weeks past, I did not know the place I had in your life. Now I do.

I'm sorry that I hit you so many times. I was angry, truly angry, and I was feeling my life crumbling around me that time. I know that you wanted me to let you go but I was selfish and I did not feel I had anything inside of me left. I'll get on eventually.

I'm sorry I don't understand why you did what you did. I hope to but I really don't. I guess that that's the ultimate divide between the two of us. I don't think I can say a lot more over this so I'm going to have to skip this.

I'm sorry I left you in January at the apartment alone most of the time. I know that you have given a lot of effort to give me time. I was really tired but I should really have given thought to what you were feeling at that time.

I'm sorry I was so demanding over your time. I'm sorry I missed you so much that I was so immature. I truly wanted to spend a lot of time with you and I was getting afraid because I felt that something wrong was happening. I'm sorry for asking too much.

I'm sorry I was not understanding of your circumstances. I kept wanting for you to understand me that I didn't listen enough. I'm sorry because I was being blind.

I'm sorry you thought I did not want you. I did but I was really feeling low and I was feeling unloved, in spite of the fact that you tried to show me in your own way that you loved me. But please know that I truly wanted you.

I'm sorry that I kept texting and calling. Truthfully, there were days where I was already happy and I simply wanted to ask if you were ok. But then I got angry when you did not answer the phone and the thought that ran in my mind was that if I was getting murdered right then, and I simply wanted to ask for your help, I would have died alone. But really, I should not have expected anything more. It was my life and not yours.

I'm sorry I got your sim card and cancelled it so soon. It makes me feel guilty over the fact that you might be applying for a job and you were not getting the calls that you should. I hope you have changed the numbers in your resumes as soon as you have gotten a new one.

There are a lot more things to say sorry for. I don't really expect forgiveness nor reconciliation. I hope just that someday, when I meet you on the streets, I'll be able to smile.

I'm sorry that I cannot fully forgive you yet not can I fully say it's all gone and done inside my head and my heart. Someday I hope to. Another day I will be angry. I'll try to control myself on that day. Another day I will be sad. I will try to cheer up. Someday I will stop thinking of it all. It is a day I look forward to.

I don't expect you to understand everything contained here. I don't expect a reply. I just hope you read it. I've already packed all your stuff. There're lot of bags and a lot of boxes. It's one way to let go.

The letters below were something we once wrote, somehow it seems a long long time ago. I hope you read it too, just so you'll understand just a little bit of what I feel right now. I guess this letter has sustained me a lot over the years that you were gone. I guess however, it does not apply anymore. But then, it's just another reason for me to let go.

I've actually deleted all the other emails already. Forgiveness is given one thing at a time and letting go takes time as well. Closure is not something I expect to have from you so I'll do my part to close it all myself.


baby ko,
if you can never forgive me, know that I'm truly sorry. Regarding with Chasen, I don't
feel guilty. I was just polite to reply to her messeges. After all, I did hurt her and she
deserve a little acknowledgement even though the things between us are over. He have a bf
now and I feel happy for her. If you don't really want me back then maybe its fine. I want
us to stay together. Actually, I'm begging you to take me back. But all is really up to
you. If you think that I'm not worth it and if I'm really that easy to let go, then maybe
it is fine. If that would make you happy. Did you know Chasen said, when I was broking up
with her, that she is willing to let you be my legitimate gf and she the no.2? But I chose
you anyway. You're the one I love and wanted. My mind is so messed up right now. You're
making decisions and I'm here helpless. I was weak and I'm sorry. I think you're tired of
the sorry thing. Can we really not return things to the way it was
before? If you'll never going to talk to me again, know that I love you and that I'll
always be thinking of you. I keep trying really hard to forget the things that happened to
you before because I really love you. Why can't u do the same for me? Is your love
shallow? I'll do anything you want. If you ask me to come home, I will. just don't leave
me. I really do sound pathwtic, begging someone to love me, but what can I do? WHY ARE YOU
LETTING GO OF ME SO EASILY??? MANY MEN HAVE DONE WORSE BUT THEY WERE FORGIVEN, WHY CAN YOU
NOT FORGIVE ME??? I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHY. MAYBE I JUST DON'T WORTH IT. IF THAT IS
YOUR REASON THEN THAT MAKES ME VERY SAD.

Roxanne San Buenaventura wrote:
> Dan,
> I want to tell you that I totally forgive you right now. I really really do. When I
> think about it, I really want to. I love you. At least I think I love you. But then, how
> can you love someone when you don't particularly know that person? I thought I know you,
> but then, with what has happened, I'm not sure I know you all that well anymore. But
> well... ok, I'm going beyond the point.
> I want to have faith in you. I don't want to be the way I am now. I don't like myself
> right now. Basically, I am not the person that I want to be and I don't know what to do
> about it.
> I don't really want to get too worked up over something like this. Well... I do. Ok, I'm
> confusing you already, probably. But then... ok. I don't like going through something
> very very long. I don't like to think about a problem overly long. Life is short. Life
> isn't something that we can really live thinking that life will be ok tomorrow. So
> basically, if I'm going to forgive you, I really should just get it over with. I should
> just say, ok, I forgive. I wish it was so easy.
> Can we start over? Can we just? One thing though, through anything, I am not telling you
> what to do. I won't. I just won't. When I asked for effort, I asked for that. Really,
> effort. And that includes effort to do something on your own. This includes doing
> something on your own terms.
> Hello, my name is Roxanne. I like to read books. I like romance novels and magic. I like
> making stories in my mind. I also like humming out songs I make up. I've been humming
> out songs since I was five. I'm not very good at it. I used to think I actually know how
> to sing but I'm not very sure anymore. I guess it depends sometimes. My favorite goddess
> in mythology is Artemis. Basically because I like the moon so much. It's because I loved
> the anime, Sailormoon ever since second grade. I like anime a lot, especially shoujo.
> I've only had one boyfriend ever. For real. Someone once said that there must be
> something wrong with me because I didn't have a boyfriend before. Well... maybe. I'm not
> exactly normal but then, I get really disturbed when I meet seemingly normal people.
> Whenever I do so, I always wonder what exactly they are hiding deep inside. I didn't
> really mind not having a boyfriend before. Basically, I don't believe in giving effort
> in something unless I believe in it. Maybe it's because I've always read romance novels.
> And I believe in happily ever after. Ok, maybe not. I don't believe in total perfection.
> I'm not perfect myself but then, I just have one hope in my relationship. I want to be
> totally contented in being in love with one person and one person only. I promised
> myself and my future love, long before I met him, that I will do anything, be totally
> devoted, as long as he loves me and only me. If that love breaks, if he doesn't love me
> anymore, then I
will break, because I believe in love too much.
> I'm weird. Long before I met my lover, I've always tried to imagine that he is with me.
> Whenever I'm lonely. Whenever I'm happy. Whenever something makes me feel confused. I
> would talk to him in my mind. I would share my life with him, even before I met him. His
> imagined embrace in my troubled times made me go on with my life, as hollow as I felt it
> before I met him. I existed for him. I waited for him. Can you imagine not feeling
> anything? It was my life before meeting him. My only solace then was my thoughts. No one
> reached me. No one saw me. I was nothing.
> Nothing prepared me to the feeling of being in love. Nothing could ever compare to it.
> How to describe it? It was like a flame in an eternal cold darkness. It was sudden color
> bursting in a grey world. It was life after having felt dead inside for so so long.
> Happiness and sadness. How it made me feel the best and the worst and the peaks and the
> lows.
> I was in love. I'll tell you more about my life tomorrow, ok? I hope you're ok with my
> telling you this.

baby ko,
I don't think I can ever fall asleep easy again when you finally leave me. I wish I could
just die. This fucking life sucks. I am insecure and a fucking jerk. You deserve someone
better. If you leave me, I will really hate you. Can you please give me one last chance? I
will do any thing you want. by the way, the wifi wasn't working properly on thursday.
Maybe we can chat friday say 3pm? pls? I wish when I fall asleep theres no more waking up.
If I am to live, I want to spend it with you.

Roxanne San Buenaventura wrote:
> Nakakapagod na. Ayoko na sa sarili ko. Bahala na. Dan, tanong ko, paano kung mamatay ako
> bago ka bumalik? Hindi sa pagpapakamatay ako mamamatay. Kung baga, maaksidente lang ako.
> You'll get over it, I think. Ang problema ko, kung mangyari iyon sa iyo, baka mawalan
> ako ng ulirat. Kakainis. Ayoko na. Nakakainis na. Ang daya mo. Bakit kailangan dapat mas
> mahal ka ng mahal mo? Ayaw mo kasing bigay talaga ang sarili mo. Kakainis na. Pagod na
> talaga ako. Tama na. Ayoko na. Oo, binuksan ko emails mo pati friendster mo. Bakit
> kailangan masaktan ako ng ganito palagi? Bakit?

Can you just kill me? I cannot function anymore. I love you. I cannot sleep knowing that
you're leaving me. Kill me instead. You're killing me slowly and very painfully.

Roxanne San Buenaventura wrote:
> Nakakapagod na. Ayoko na sa sarili ko. Bahala na. Dan, tanong ko, paano kung mamatay ako
> bago ka bumalik? Hindi sa pagpapakamatay ako mamamatay. Kung baga, maaksidente lang ako.
> You'll get over it, I think. Ang problema ko, kung mangyari iyon sa iyo, baka mawalan
> ako ng ulirat. Kakainis. Ayoko na. Nakakainis na. Ang daya mo. Bakit kailangan dapat mas
> mahal ka ng mahal mo? Ayaw mo kasing bigay talaga ang sarili mo. Kakainis na. Pagod na
> talaga ako. Tama na. Ayoko na. Oo, binuksan ko emails mo pati friendster mo. Bakit
> kailangan masaktan ako ng ganito palagi? Bakit?

I cannot sleep. I'm so tired but my mind keep thinking bout you and to what's going on
between us. I decided that after this salary this march, I will give my resignation. I
still have to stay for one month though so first week ng May n ko mkakauli. I have to buy
my own ticket though. Promise me you will take me back when I go back there. I don't know
what else to do. I will be wqiting whole day for ur reply granted that there is an
internet connection. I love u.

Roxanne San Buenaventura wrote:
> Nakakapagod na. Ayoko na sa sarili ko. Bahala na. Dan, tanong ko, paano kung mamatay ako
> bago ka bumalik? Hindi sa pagpapakamatay ako mamamatay. Kung baga, maaksidente lang ako.
> You'll get over it, I think. Ang problema ko, kung mangyari iyon sa iyo, baka mawalan
> ako ng ulirat. Kakainis. Ayoko na. Nakakainis na. Ang daya mo. Bakit kailangan dapat mas
> mahal ka ng mahal mo? Ayaw mo kasing bigay talaga ang sarili mo. Kakainis na. Pagod na
> talaga ako. Tama na. Ayoko na. Oo, binuksan ko emails mo pati friendster mo. Bakit
> kailangan masaktan ako ng ganito palagi? Bakit?
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