Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I'm angry again

I'm going up and down. One time I'm already satisfied and ok, another time, I'm so so angry that I want to kill. Other times, this despair just overwhelms me.
I've started out today so well. I didn't cry but was a little angry but I got over it and painted my nails clear. I went to the office and composed my thoughts, writing over and over again. I was a little self-satisfied, reveling on the feeling that I was going to be ok for tomorrow and then suddenly...
Going home, the feeling of being alone made me feel so so bad again and the evil thoughts crept inside.
I've started slashing my wrists with the dull blade again. Somehow the sight of the red horizontal marks satisfies me for a little bit. What frightens me is that I have started to become a little more vicious with myself, pushing just a little deeper, pulling across the skin just a little faster. I'm unconsciously putting the blade against my neck. This is really scaring me.
I'm continuously losing weight at an increasingly fast pace. The thought of food just makes me want to hurl really really badly. It's a really bad sign of something I can't control.
I want to be ok tomorrow. I want to be a little more happy. Please please please.
Jacques, when will you come back and talk to me?
This is bad. No one will help me because I don't know how to shout it out. My heart is losing. I hope it beats through tonight.

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