Sunday, November 10, 2013

Believing in my past choices without regret and loving them—that is the right answer, and that’s how to grow old with style.”

Whichever path you choose, there are always lingering thoughts of the road not taken. That’s why there are no choices without regrets, and no one right answer to life. All you can do is believe that the road you’ve chosen is the right answer, and turn it into the right answer. The right answer to life is to believe that you don’t regret your past choices and live on.

Living is all about the choices you make moment by moment. Even if it’s just a log bridge, you must make a choice: Do you go forward? Do you turn around, or do you stop? Where I am now is the result of countless choices made in the past.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

If you give up on now because of laziness or a lack of courage, there is no hope of another opportunity. If you love now, the best timing is now. You have to go before it’s too late, and you have to confess now. Because you never know what’ll happen later. The next opportunity might never come.

Monday, November 4, 2013

I’m watching this show right now. It’s a Korean slice of life drama set in 1994. It makes me feel so nostalgic. I don’t mind the passing years. I don’t mind the pains and regrets. It’s all there but I have a lot of happiness too. Right now I can smile and I’m happy.

 

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Youth must be clumsy and crude, and love must be innocent and old-fashioned.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Loving someone doesn’t always mean sharing happiness. But the choice is up to each individual.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Today I think back about UST. Did we ever go there together? I can’t remember. If we did, why did we go?

 

I had a good memory at that place. I also had a bad one. I just don’t remember if they were one and the same. I don’t remember if it was you or Dan.

 

I remember the bad memory clearly. It wasn’t you, though, of that I’m sure. But the good memory, I’m not very sure. I want to know if it was you. I want to be sure if it was you. I’m trying to store my good memories,  you see, for one day when little baby asks about you. I want to tell stories about the good times. But no lies. So was it you?

Sunday, September 29, 2013

You were the one I thought of when I was having the most difficult time. When I couldn’t say anything to anyone, but had to keep it to myself. When I felt like I was going to die, because it was so hard for me, I wanted to tell you. I had to tell you. You disappeared. The one person, who I came to trust the most in the world, suddenly disappeared.

I love you, you bastard. That’s why even if you have to hurt me in the future, just tell me that you’re sorry. I’ll never be able to find another man who loves me. The pain you’ve caused me is so great, that the remaining scar will be so ugly, that no one is ever going to be able to love me. That’s why… That’s why I want you to tell me that you’re sorry. Then I’ll be able to live again, when you do. If it hurts, I’m going to be hurt anyway, don’t say that everything as fake, okay? Say you’re sorry, tell me you’re sorry.
Even if it’s only sincerity at the moment… Sincerity is sincerity.
When you let go of the past, that’s when your future begins.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Solo Quedate en Silencio

Te encuentro despierto

me dices lo siento

con una lágrima derramas.

 

Me abrazas, me hielo

me pides un beso

y yo me quedo sin respirar.

 

Solo espera un momento

solo dime no es cierto.

 

Solo quédate en silencio cinco minutos

acariciame un momento, ven junto a mi

te daré el último beso, el mas profundo

guardaré mis sentimientos y me iré lejos de ti.

 

Tengo tanto miedo

y es que no comprendo

que fue lo que yo

he hecho mal.

 

Me abrazas, me hielo

me pides un beso

y yo me quedo sin respirar.

 

Solo espera un momento

solo dime no es cierto.

 

Solo quédate en silencio cinco minutos

cariciame un momento, ven junto a mi

te daré el último beso, el mas prefundo

guardaré mis sentimientos y me iré lejos de ti.

 

Dame tu mano, devulveme el aire

di que me amas que no eres culpable

por lo menos un momento

dime que esto no es cierto.

 

Solo quédate en silencio

acariciame un momento

te dare el último beso

guardaré mis sentimientor

y me iré lejos de ti.

 

Solo quédate en silencio cinco minutos

acariciame un momento, ven junto a mi

te daré el último beso, el mas profundo

guardaré mis sentimientos y me iré lejos de ti.

 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

If you love that person unconditionally, then you come to possess the right to love them.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Should I care?

These days, I'm trying to pray as much as possible. It makes me feel a little better. Thank goodness for the faith and belief that have been instilled with me. God has never failed me.

I've been thinking over the past few days and I've realized a few hard truths. He doesn't care about baby now. Or at least he's caring less. Less and less. He's changed his Facebook name so it can't be matched. He's untagged himself from the pictures with baby. He's trying to look as single as possible to the world and denying everything else connected to his marriage and fatherhood to the point that he's ignoring baby's posts now.

That's sad. I shouldn't care. If he doesn't care, then it's his loss. My baby is the sweetest, best baby in the world. I'm a really sweet girl as long as I'm happy. If he wants the shallow worldly wants to fill his life, it's his call to make. As far as I know, those things don't keep people happy for long anyway. I just hope he turns out ok after everything he does.

As for me, I may be crying once again but I'm becoming even stronger. I'll be ok.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Last Kiss

I still remember the look on your face

Lit through the darkness at 1:58

The words that you whispered

For just us to know

You told me you loved me

So why did you go away?

Away

 

I do recall now the smell of the rain

Fresh on the pavement

I ran off the plane

That July 9th

The beat of your heart

It jumps through your shirt

I can still feel your arms

 

But now I'll go sit on the floor

Wearing your clothes

All that I know is

I don't know how to be something you miss

I never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

 

I do remember the swing of your step

The life of the party, you're showing off again

And I roll my eyes and then

You pull me in

I'm not much for dancing

But for you I did

 

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father

I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets

How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something

There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

 

And I'll go sit on the floor

Wearing your clothes

All that I know is

I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

 

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep

And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe

And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are

Hope it's nice where you are

 

And I hope the sun shines

And it's a beautiful day

And something reminds you

You wish you had stayed

You can plan for a change in weather and time

But I never planned on you changing your mind

 

So I'll go sit on the floor

Wearing your clothes

All that I know is

I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

 

Just like our last kiss

Forever the name on my lips

Forever the name on my lips

 

Just like our last...

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Losing Grip

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby

Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real

Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you

Why'd you turn away?

Here's what I have to say I was left to cry there,

Waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare

That's when I decided

 

Why should I care

Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone

You, you need to listen I'm starting to trip,

I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone

 

Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's place

When you turn around can you recognize my face you used to love me,

You used to hug me

But that wasn't the case

Everything wasn't ok I was left to cry there

Waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare

That's when I decided

 

 

Crying out loud I'm crying out loud

Crying out loud I'm crying out loud

 

Open your eyes

Open up wide

Why should I care

Because you weren't there

When I was scared I was so alone Why should I care

Because you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone

Why should I care

If you don't care then I don't care were not going anywhere

Why should I care cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone

Why should I care If you don't care then I don't care were not going anywhere

Saturday, July 20, 2013

I think life and death is only a difference in thought. If you don’t appreciate his value even if you live together, he’s as good as dead. But if you’re always thinking of him even if you’re not with him, he’s alive forever.

Monday, July 15, 2013

I was so upset yesterday but I’ve decided to move on from the angry feelings as really, I’m not the father who didn’t see his son or the baby who didn’t see his father. Thank goodness my little baby is too little to understand anything yet. May God keep my son’s heart safe.

Friday, June 21, 2013

I didn’t hate you. I only missed you. I didn’t resent you. I only loved you with all my heart. I love you. I love you.

But I still won't tell you.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

On saying things that can hurt someone else

I saw my ex-husband today. From now on, I might as well start using that term to refer to him. After all, if my Facebook status is separated, his is single, on both of his accounts. Honestly, that stinks but that's life. Also, I really shouldn't care.
I dreaded seeing him. I knew it would make me feel bad in the end. It certainly exhausted me.
I ended up telling him that I absolutely didn't want to see his face anymore because I wasn't over him and it's too hard for me. Can I get points for honesty?
Is it a bad thing to ask why he did the things he did? I've gotten messages of sorry, missing you and all that but when I managed to eke out the question, what do I get back? Total denial of having done anything wrong. And a whack of how you yourself have done your share of evil.
It's all so illogical, really. I couldn't help saying that if he did nothing, what evil are we sharing then? I've apologized already and have accepted whatever witch name he'd like to call me. Whatever else, I'm moving on from that. I will not be that anymore because I do not care to be.
Ah well... No regrets, right? Move on and blessed be to everyone.
Thank you, little child, for always making me happy to my very soul. You are a true joy.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Hello, life. I'm going to take over now.

Monday, June 10, 2013

I Almost Do

I bet this time of night you’re still up.
I bet you’re tired from a long, hard week.
I bet you’re sitting in your chair by the window, looking out at the city.
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me.

And I just want to tell you,
It takes everything in me not to call you,
And I wish I could run to you,
And I hope you know that,
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do, I almost do.

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you,
‘Cause each time you reach out there’s no reply.
I bet it never, ever occurred to you that I can’t say hello to you,
And risk another goodbye.

And I just want to tell you,
It takes everything in me not to call you,
And I wish I could run to you,
And I hope you know that,
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do, I almost do.

We made quite a mess, babe.
It’s probably better off this way.
And I confess, babe.
That in my dreams you’re touching my face,
And asking me if I'd want to try again with you,
And I almost do.

And I just want to tell you,
It takes everything in me not to call you,
And I wish I could run to you,
And I hope you know that,
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do, I almost do.

I bet this time of night you’re still up.
I bet you’re tired from a long, hard week.
I bet you’re sitting in your chair by the window, looking out at the city.
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

I love you. BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Do I feel better today because I cried so much last night that I’ve cried all of it out last night? Or because he sent an sms. Or because I know I look good. Or why?

 

Whatever else, my tears do not flow that easily today.

 

Thank you, God.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Thank you for the fateful meeting.

Thank you for the smiles.

Thank you for the bright days,

And the laughter-filled nights.

 

Thank you for the happiness,

And the hopes and promises.

Thank you for trying,

And being strong for a while.

 

For the once upon a time.

For a little happy ever after.

For so many little things.

And the even bigger dreams.

 

Happy anniversary.

Wherever you are.

Whoever you are with.

Whatever you may be doing.

 

Thank you.

I hope you are happy.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Life goes on

Life goes on, life goes on

Life goes on, life goes on

 

You sucked me in

And played my mind

Just like a toy

You were crank and wind

 

Baby I would give till you wore it out

You left me lyin' in a pool of doubt

And you're still thinkin' you're the Daddy Mac

You should've known better but you didn't

And I can't go back

 

Oh life goes on

And it's only gonna make me strong

It's a fact, once you get on board

Say good-bye cause you can't go back

Oh it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right

Where I'm at, is my life before me

And this feelin' that I can go back

Life goes on [repeat 2X]

 

Wish I knew then

What I know now

You held all the cards

And sold me out

 

Baby shame on you, if you fool me once

Shame on me if you fool me twice

You've been a pretty hard case to crack

Should've known better but I didn't

And I can't go back

 

Oh life goes on

And it's only gonna make me strong

It's a fact, once you get on board

Say good-bye cause you can't go back

Oh it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right

Where I'm at, is my life before me

And this feelin' that I can go back

Life goes on

 

Na, na, na, na, na

Life goes on

Na, Na, Na, Na,

It made me strong

Oh yeah, got this feeling that I can't go back

 

Life goes on, life goes on, and it's only gonna me strong

Life goes on, life goes on, and on and on

 

shame on you, if you fool me once

Shame on me if you fool me twice

You've been a pretty hard case to crack

Should've known better but I didn't

And I can't go back

 

Na, na, na, na, na

Life goes on

Na, Na, Na, Na

It made me strong

 

Oh yeah

Gotta feelin' that I can't go back

No I can't go back

Oh yeah

I've gotta go now

I'm moving on

No turning back

'Cause you made me strong

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Love itself isn’t a crime, but cowardly love is, especially when it hurts the people around them.

Friday, May 31, 2013

It’s been a week and I am ready to accept what has happened and move on with my life as it is. I may be sad but there is no changing what has been done. There is no life in staying in a mindset where I am unhappy. There is so much more to life than being weak and ineffective and there is so much promise in moving on.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Dear Lord,

 

Please keep me sane. Please keep me strong. Please keep me safe. Please let me be filled with your love. This day is so hard.

Was there something wrong with me? What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Why didn’t I see this coming? Why were they unfaithful to me? Was it something I did wrong ? Was it something I should've done? Why am I not good enough? How could they do this to me? Why don’t they love me? Am I a bad person? Is it because of me? Did I make this happen? Did I cause my marriage to fail?

How long have you been together?

June 5, 2011

 

How did you first meet?

In a bar. He asked for my number.

 

What attracted you to your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse?

He was cute.

 

What did you like most about him/her?

He cleaned my house.

 

When did you first notice that the relationship was not quite right?

When he didn’t kiss me upon coming home from work.

 

When did you begin to wonder what it would be like if you ended the relationship? (Tip: it was probably earlier than you think)

Before we were married.

 

Are you already in a relationship with someone else?  Perhaps your partner already knows about your infidelity?

No.

 

Does your partner suspect your infidelity?

Yes. It’s not true.

 

Have you already found somewhere else to live (if living together)?

No.

 

What exactly bothers you about the relationship?

I don’t trust him.

 

What exactly do you not like about him/her? (Tip: don't share this with your partner!)

He lies to me all the time.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Dear Lord,

 

Do I deserve this?

I wish

I forgot that I still have a wish that I can whisper to the universe just because I can.

I wish that I was wrong.

I wish that we can forgive each other.

I wish that we still love each other.

I wish that we understand each other.

I wish that you'll hold me again one day.

I wish that tomorrow will turn out much better than today.

I wish that I don't regret anything.

I wish that you're ok.

I wonder

Kumusta ka na? Kumakain ka ba? Huwag ka masyadong uminom. Baka magsuka ka na naman. Masaya ka ba?
I pray for you. I miss you. I love you. Please please please always take care of yourself.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Left Behind

One of the worst things in the world is to be left behind. It's sadder than being the one walking away. This time though, I have someone else with me to keep me company through the long nights.

There are a lot of reasons why I told JR to go away. There are a lot of reasons he did. I wonder what will happen when he comes to his senses? Or will be actually realize what he did wrong? I know where I'm wrong but I know it's not wrong to insist on the things I believe in.

Before I relate what has happened to get us from loving husband and wife to silent strangers, I would like to start with saying that I love him very much and I miss him a lot. I do not want him back, but it does not change my feelings at the moment. I do not even feel the anger that raged over me for a while.

The past three weeks have been a downward spiral of the worst sort. It started before that but I simply didn't want it to happen this month of all months. Truly, any other month would have been preferable.

Last April, he did something. Whatever it was, I can't recall anymore though I remember wanting to blow quite badly. But then life got in the way and I needed to get a handle on my emotions. May rolled in and I had high hopes, really. With Mother's Day and my birthday, how could I possibly believe that the worst thing that could happen would happen?

Sex is an issue. Lack of it is an issue.

When I met JR, he was oversexed. He was nineteen. It tapered down after that but I've felt his lust even when I was pregnant. I felt it when I gave birth. But these days, I don't even get kisses anymore. Not even pecks. That leaves a lot of questions on where a 22-year old guy gets his kicks. Especially when he once told me he was too sore once. How exactly do you get sore when you've come home late directly from work?

I acknowledge that I've said a lot of bad things lately. It stems a lot from my insecurity and the feeling of a husband cheating. The last few rounds have battered my heart. I've heard the words, "Wala na akong pasensya sa'yo." In a world where I've given unending patience and forgiveness, to have that thrown back at me makes it one of the worst thing ever.

I once told my boss that I was truly at the very end of my rope. My husband going out with his friends late at night, coming back in the dead of it, or even the afternoon after, drinking, cruising, going out with his friends, and coming back to me promising me that it would not happen again breaks my spirit. I hate it. I promised myself then, one more time and it's done. One more time and it's ended. One more time and I won't take it anymore. The broken promising and the lies have taken their toll.

He did it again. And again. And again. What was I supposed to do? I shut down. I couldn't take it anymore. I ignore him. I didn't bother acknowledging his presence. And in shutting down, he blew his lid. He demanded attention. He was asking if I wanted out. He asked if I was cheating. And he made threats of my losing something.

I told him I was waiting. I wasn't sure what it was exactly I was waiting for. He could have said sorry, really. He knew he did a lot of wrong things. He knew I hurt from what he did. But he was what he was and he got angry. It was almost like a slap on the face. It was abuse of a kind.

The day after, I checked his phone and found sms to girls and even one to someone with ads on the internet. Since the last things he checked online are call girls and dubious massage parlors, it was harsh. He got a morning greeting from one of them so I went out and sent back messages. He has already met up with her once, knows where she lives and she was inviting him out for drinks.

I didn't feel angry over what I've found out though they have made me incredibly sad but I told him to go. I needed him to go. He looked at me with sharp eyes and agreed. He packed his bags and kissed baby goodbye. That was the day before my birthday.

He's gone now. He took the camera with him. And my luggage bag. My birthday has passed and it's the worst birthday of my life. We're weeding out his stuff from mine and packing them away. We really don't expect him back in any way.

I'm sad and I miss him and yes, I still love him, but I believe that this is right. It's time to move on.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

I'm tired

The truth is staring me in the face. I better accept it for what it is.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

I remember the happiness

Truly I do.

I remember the laughter. I remember the hopes. I remember the dreams.

I remember being together. I remember being happy. I remember the sharing.

I remember the initial crash and burn. I remember how easy it was. I remember being picked up and dusted off.

I remember the smiles. I remember the touches. I remember the kisses. I remember the hugs.

I remember being uncertain and being promised forever. I remember the young ones of yesterday.

I remember and that's what makes today even sadder. Because the yesterday wasn't the same as I remembered. And the future will certainly be even less so.

But tomorrow is always another day. And I will not get everything I want. But I will get what I deserve. Because God loves me and understands me and he always wants the best for me.

If...

If I have given all that love without getting as much back, then I haven't lost that much in losing you. I'm going to get myself back.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

I'm different

I'm a mom. I have my priorities. It's not just me in my life.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Reason to live?

Do you have to have a grand reason to live? Even if I don’t have a reason to live, I live because my eyes open in the morning. Because I still breathe. Why? If a person doesn’t have a reason to live, does that mean he can’t? If living like this is embarrassing, then I’m embarrassed right now. But you know, because I’m still alive, I want to continue living.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

It's not working

We’re going nowhere;

We’re crashing down;

We’re breaking apart;

We’re no longer talking.

 

And I loved you;

And you loved me;

And we were good together;

But we’re more apart than ever.

 

And I don’t want you like this;

And I hate me like this;

And I don’t want this for us;

Why are we together?

 

I hate you just a little;

But maybe I’m getting numb just a little;

And I don’t want this at all;

So can we just stop?

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Edge

I just want to fall already so if I die, then it's death. If I don't, I might get stronger.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Life is always complicated

I went to sleep crying frustrated tears, tired and feeling alone, wondering how everything have gotten the way they have?

Baby has a cold. I’ve got a cold. Hubby is being weird. Mother is so tired.

 

Sometimes, I know. I just know, God always listens to my prayers. And even when I don’t ask for it, he listens to my heart and he gives me what I truly deserve. And he speaks to me in the voices of other people and when I can’t be reached because I choose not to listen, he takes action.

 

Warmth comes and with it, the need, the roughness and the gentleness gets expelled into the rush. No pain and it goes on and on. It almost feels like a dream but the throbbing stayed with me till I woke up.

 

Everything will be ok. Life is always complicated but every roughness fades into smoothness with time. God will always be with me.