Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Lies and truths

I did not want to accept the reality that the life I’ve led was a lie but I have to understand that it is not in any way my own fault that it has become a lie. I truly believed in the love I gave. Everything I did was for that love. I felt the joys and the pains and I lived day to day. I have made a lot of sacrifices through the years and I have chosen a lot of paths. This path has led me here. Be it stupid to have believed that moment, it is still my choice to have believed. Though they were lies, they were not mine.

I understand that the choices I made are not always right and that I am not always good. What gives me strength in spite of this knowledge is the thought that I have always done what I could for love as love should never sway, whatever else might crumble.

Though this hurts so bad that no other hurt ever could and as I forgive him for what he has done, one thing at a time, I will have to understand that though I have let myself think over the years that what I had was what I deserved to have because it was what I wanted, there is always something more that the world can offer and I simply have to reach out for it and grasp it.

I have to give up on Dan simply because I understand that though I love him, I am not destined for a destructive love. I am not destined for a love that is not given back.

I understand the lure of death and the lure of letting all the memories go but though I have given up a lot of myself to be with him, I am still very much a person in my own right, destined to live my own life. Be it a life lived to a ripe old age or one that will end on the moment after this, it is a life. I should not be afraid of memories that have encouraged me to be happy.

I also understand the lure of forcing my way back into his mind and his heart but I will not ever trust a love that is untrue, I will never trust a love I have simply begged for, not earned. I wish to cast a spell and I believe that I could, simply with the will I have inside of me, but this will drain my very soul. I can make a wish and simply offer a hope that this wish would come true. Not a wish for the love to come back but maybe a wish for a love I deserve.

I do believe that Dan was my soulmate. He understood and accepted me for what I truly was. He helped me though a lot of pains and has protected me from myself a lot of times. I tried in the best of times to understand and provide the whole of myself that he needs. That he himself have destroyed this relationship makes me very unsure of myself. And in the future selves that I will have, I will most likely run away from this love, no matter how happy he has made me, simply for the final hurt that has destroyed that part of me. It’s very sad because to be afraid of love is one of the worst things to be in the world. But love comes to those who asks for it and though my heart is crumbling now, there is always hope for tomorrow for tomorrow is time’s gift for us.

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