Wednesday, July 30, 2008

March Letter...

Roxanne,

I don't know how to say this but I have learned my mistakes. (Not really. You haven't changed) I should have loved you more. (So basically you don't love me?) I should have cared for you more. (So basically you don't care?) I should have shown you more how much I am willing to give for our relationship. (So you could have given more except you didn't?) I shouldn't have fooled around. (If you shouldn't have done it, why did you do it in the first place?) I want our love to last. (Not the way it's going.) I want you so much that it hurts so bad knowing that you already decided to leave me. (Show me.) It hurts so bad that I don't even know how to fix things between us without you telling me what to do. (Why do I always have to tell you what to do? Don't you have a mind of your own? If not, then maybe I should rethink the past two years over.) I am a hopeless case. (It sure seems like it.) I am very sorry for being one. (Sorry people actually do something to make up for it.) From this moment on, I am going to send you email everyday if possible. (Actually, you only lasted two days.) I should have thought about this a long time ago but I thought it didn't mattered that much to you. (Of course it matters. It still matters up to now.) I was thinking that I only have to wait for one year and then I can see you again. (One year is a long long time.) I was planning not to return here when I go for vacation. (I'm sure it's mostly for you.) Sure the money is great but nothing can be compared to the times when we were together. (And you find work boring, right? Basically, you're coming back for you and not really for me.) Those times when we would watch movies on our laptop for a whole day. (I remember that in those time, you would always be the one to choose the movies.) Those times when we would go to malls and eat to our hearts content. (You hate going to the mall. And we don't eat out so much because you hate the thought of spending.) Those times when we would argue which movie to watch. (I always have to let you win.) Those times when I would wake up and see you sleeping next to me. Those times when I woke up and see you cooking our breakfast. (Why can't you cook breakfast at least once?) Those times were the best times of my life. (You left me behind.) I have never said these words before to other girls if that is what you're thinking. (How can you? You've never lived with any of your ex's before.) I never did things out of the ordinary with girls except with you. (It's more like I can't get you to do anything extraordinary. It's so much harder that extracting a tooth. I couldn't even get you to meet my biological family.) You are the one that makes me feel more than happy. (Hah! You don't even notice when I'm not there.) You are the one that gives meaning to my existence. (I'm a doormat.) You said you want me to catch you, but can you do the same for me? (You haven't caught me yet. I'm still falling.) I am breaking apart right now without you. (You've already broken me.) Please don't tell me that you never want me back. I would never want to come back if am going to lose you. What's the point of going back when there's no one waiting for you? (Thanks for the guilt trip!!!) you ever truly forgive me? Can you please not hate me anymore? Can you please continue loving me? I promise not to hurt you anymore. I will do anything you want just to make up things between us. I have changed. I swear. I love you. (Right? So how many months has it been since you said that? So when will that miraculous change show itself?)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Email to Dan that I didn't send him...

Should I send this? Hmmm... My gut says yes but I know he'll just whine and not do anything to really make me feel better. He'll just complain and in the end, I really won't get what I want. I'll confront him when he comes home. I hope to God that he won't do anything bad while he's in Abu Dhabi and make me regret not sending him this. If he does, I'll just have to learn that I am better off, though. It will hurt.

Dan,

Think of it this way... I'm growing up... Because if I saw that before, I would not have talked to you outright, ok? Geeze! So I'm upset. Who wouldn't? I can't even get you to email me that much in a day. You're always super busy, you say... Hell... you didn't even email me back for yesterday's.
Another thing is that you're always so depressing in your emails to me that you emit such sadness in your emails that I can't feel happy receiving emails from you anymore. Ok, delete that, I am happy... sometimes... sometimes though... ok, truth is... I'm not very happy from your emails these days. Do you email me because you want to or you email me because you have to?
Hell!!! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!! Ok, I wasn't going to go get angry and now I'm feeling righteous in my anger. Call me stupid or crazy but now I'm going psycho about this already. Buti pa siya, mas maraming emails nakuha sa iyo ngayong araw. Ilan ba iyon? Hmmm... Isa? Dalawa? Tatlo? Hmmm... Buti pa siya nag-email ka ng reply sa forwarded message niya lang... Buti pa siya, parang masaya kang ka-email siya. Ano nga ba naman ako? Girlfriend mo lang. After all, nakuha mo na ako. Nagamit mo na rin ako. Depressing girl who's waiting for you. After all, wala nang effort na kailangan kapag ganyan, ano? Ang tamad mo!!!
Naaalala ko pa kung paano ka dati. Pero hindi ka na parehong Dan na minahal ko noon. Would it be better for me now if I actually just walked away way back then when I still loved you than to have stayed and sometimes want to hate you?

Hmmm... you don't know how to keep promises...
Hmmm... you forget important dates...
Hmmm... you make a person feel unimportant...
Hmmm... you make a person feel like crap...

You really shouldn't say something that was so easy for me to check. Well...

I'm bad.

Things Dan does for me:

He calls me.
He lends me money.
...
...
I'm trying!!!
Ummm...
He emails me back...
Should that even be something he does for me?
He tells me he loves me...
He was absent from work for a day to talk to me...
We had cybersex that day and he din't want to talk about my problems...
He tells me he loves me...

Argh!

I'm not in a good mood right now...

Sunday, July 27, 2008

A dissection

Whenever I think about Dan loving me and my loving him, I used to be so... Okay, so we have our differences and we have our problems... from the very start.

Are we strong enough for this. I don't think I have the strength to this about this tonight. No, I don't think I'm strong enough for this tonight.

My father...

He is 76 years old. Old, you might say, but I've never thought of him as old until recently. All throughout my life, my father is just my father. Taller than me and always spoiling me and my mother.

I'm adopted. I came into their lives 23 years ago or so. I grew up an only child.

My father is imprinted in me. He's kind, yes, very very kind. They have never been harsh in raising me. In fact, they have been too gentle. He used to lie in this sofa we used to have and I would lie on him and he would tickle me like crazy and I would tickle him back. No one else would do such a thing to me.

He always brought me siopao home. I don't eat it anymore but that siopao and his kindness, gentlenesss and patience for a small little brat seemed unending, wrapped in that small siopao.

I'm all grown up now. And yet when it has come to be my turn to protect them, I can't. I feel inadequate, not only for Tatay, my only true father figure, but also for Nanay who has told me that pride in oneself is everything.

My mother... She hates being pitied but she has found herself in a situation so intolerable for her. She hates to give up like this, but what else can she do?

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Dan loves me...

He does. He really does. But then... I feel so bad about what's happening right now that I think I'm almost angry.

Does anyone truly love me?

I feel alone right now. I'm literally alone but this time, I feel so much more alone. In my life, I've felt this way a lot of time but I neverthought I'd come back to this point once again.

What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to do this? Why is this happening? Why? I don't know what to do, really!!! I don't know what to do!!!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I want to love him forever...

But I also don't want to sometimes.