Sunday, October 26, 2008

I'm so sleepy but I'm still awake.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I don't feel bad about what is happening to us right now. Three more months and we're standing in a precaorious cliff. Who knows what tomorrow brings? I don't care. Maybe the past is worth it enough for me not to regret the future. I love him, though.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Dan again...

I'm thinking about my relationship to Dan over again. Yes, him once again. Must be boring to read this blog, ne?
Ahhh!!! Never mind! I've got nothing to say right now. It's still the same thing over and over again. I better try finding a new song.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Salvame

I need to miss you
I live in the hopelessness
since you don't come back to me

I survive just for anxiety
with a knot in my stomach
and the fact is that
I can't stop thinking of you
little by little my heart is going
to lose faith... to lose voice

rescue me from the forgetfulness
rescue me from the loneliness
rescue me from the weariness
I'm done to your will
rescue me from the forgetfulness
rescue me from the dark
rescue me from the weariness
don't let me go down anymore

I want to go on but
"love" is the word
that sometimes
is hard to forget

I survive just for anxiety
with a knot in my stomach
and the fact is that
I can't stop thinking of you
little by little my heart is going
to lose faith... to lose voice

rescue me from the forgetfulness
rescue me from the loneliness
rescue me from the weariness
I'm done to your will
rescue me from the forgetfulness
rescue me from the dark
rescue me from the weariness
don't let me go down anymore (x3)

Rescue Me

Extrañarte es mi necesidad
Vivo en la desesperanza
Desde que tu ya no vuelves mas

Sobrevivo por pura ansiedad
Con el nudo en la garganta
Y es que no te dejo de pensar
Poco a poco el corazon
Va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz

Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad
Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad
Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad
Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas

Me propongo tanto continuar
Pero amor es la palabra
Que me cuesta a veces olvidar

Sobrevivo por pura ansiedad......con el nudo en la garganta
Y es que no te dejo de pensar
Poco a poco el corazon
Va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz

Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad
Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad
Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad
Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas

Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad
Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad
Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad
Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas

Salvame del olvido........
Salvame del hastio......
Salvame del olvido....... Extrañarte es mi necesidad
Vivo en la desesperanza
Desde que tu ya no vuelves mas

Sobrevivo por pura ansiedad
Con el nudo en la garganta
Y es que no te dejo de pensar
Poco a poco el corazon
Va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz

Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad
Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad
Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad
Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas

Me propongo tanto continuar
Pero amor es la palabra
Que me cuesta a veces olvidar

Sobrevivo por pura ansiedad......con el nudo en la garganta
Y es que no te dejo de pensar
Poco a poco el corazon
Va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz

Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad
Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad
Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad
Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas

Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad
Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad
Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad
Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas

Salvame del olvido........
Salvame del hastio......
Salvame del olvido.......

I'm angry and sad at the same time

I want to say that I forgive him but I'm not sure if he's sorry that we're fighting or he's sorry because he's giving up. Maybe I should let it . But then, where am I right now? If he was here, I might let it go, I think, because eventually I'll feel his hunger for me in his kiss. I would believe that tomorrow would be better than today. However, in this state of mind that I'm in now, I am... disdainful of his emotional distance. I am disappointed in his avarice for money. I am... sad at being alone. I am... hoping he'd tell me that he loves me, truly, and making me believe it. I am... hoping that I'm not disappointing him. I am... trying my best and knowing that I'm failing. I am... so alone. Hoping against hope that he would tell me he's there without throwing it in my face. I'm so bruised deep inside. But then... Why? My head aches. My heart aches. My body aches. I am empty. I am nothing. Am I going to ever be able to find worth in myself or am I going to be left with nothing once again? My emotions are frail but I am feeling. However, would it be better to feel nothing instead?

Thursday, August 7, 2008

On how I feel right now

I'm so sleepy but I don't really think I'll be sleeping early. There's no hope for that. I want to but I know I'm a little disturbed. No, that's not true. I'm a lot more disturbed than that.
Hmmm... I'm thinking about a lot of things. Like the fact that I don't think I'll have a lot of money next month. It's ok. It's only money. But then, it'll be a problem when we have to pay a lot of money to the hospital when Tatay is discharged. Life can be harsh to some people. Sometimes, I wonder about the path I have taken. But then, it's a path I've chosen. No going back in time available for me. There's only today and tomorrow. I don't regret choosing to be their daughter. What I regret is being too uncaring about the past few years. Perhaps if... Perhaps not...
I'm working hard not to have any problems. But then, it's not like problems can truly be avoided. However, in my life, I know that some things, I truly deserve.
I wish I can win the lottery. I hope it works the same way as wishing for the perfect guy. Well... somehow, I'm regretting a little bit but some part of me knows I've already bonded my soul with his. But then, he just sucks right now. But then, I suck as well... I don't know how to handle it right now so I'm trying to handle things with kid gloves. No calling. No texting. No emailing unless it's an email back. Nothing from me that will entail him giving me a long lecture on responsibility.
So as for winning the lottery.... Here's the plan. I wanna win the lottery. Depending on which set of numbers win, I'll split half with either Nanay and Tatay or Dan. If Dan's and my numbers win, he gets half, no questions asked. I'll then split my share to half with Nanay and Tatay getting half. If Nanay and Tatay's and my numbers win, I'll split half with them. Then I'll split my half with Dan. Basically, that's my plan. Then of course, immediately, give 10% to charity so no thought about it is needed anymore.
Ahhh! So sleepy.
And then of course, there's the shopping spree in Singapore. I plan on buying every little device I've taken a hankering to have. Depending on how much I win, I'll either buy one of the condo units being sold here in Cubao that's not yet complete but I'll still still buy one for investment purposes. I should probably put half of everything in a trust fund so I won't think of it. I'll put a quarter in time deposit. And I'll still work for a while.
My mind doesn't work right now. I wish Dan would call just because he wants to hear my voice. I want to hear his voice that whispers in every word that he loves me and misses me. I don't need him to say the exact words. I just need to hear it in his voice right now. I need to love him so much right now.

Crying bouts, nostalgia and whether or not it makes a difference

I cried a lot last night. I fell asleep exhausted, thinking over a lot of things. I thought I wouldn't cry lately but then, what else can one do when one is prevented from doing anything else. How life can seem so cold lately.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Does he still love me?

I'd rather he hate me, if his hate lasts forever, then that means that I'm in his heart forever. If he doesn't care anymore, however, I'd rather just die or disappear forever without a trace. Because if he doesn't feel anything anymore, then my existence in his life is meaningless, and my existence in this life is meaningless. I'd rather not care, but then again, I do.

He says he hates me...

He says that sometimes, he hates me. I wonder just how deep that hate is. I wonder how long that hate has grown already. I wonder whether he hates me more than he loves me.
I don't want to be hated by the one that I love. But then if he doesn't love me, then what do I do? I don't know what to do about our situation. I'm trying so hard but then, I think, I may not be loved anymore.

...

He hasn't emailed me yet. It's been two days but then, sometimes, even one day seems so long already. I don't really mind. I've decided to put a little manacle on myself. No calls. No texts. No emails. No nothing. Not that I don't want to. Although there is a part of me that doesn't feel the overdriving need I used to have. It's just that... There's nothing...

I want to know if he still loves me. I want to know if I still love him. But then, my questions won't be answered in two days. My mind is a mess. I can see it in my apartment. I don't feel at peace and I don't feel like caring right now. But then, I want to know.

I hope I still love him, weird as it sounds. Though it would most probably hurt me. I still want to. But then, I don't want to call him. He'll tell me I'm overspending. I don't want to text him. He'll tell me the same thing. I don't want to email him. He won't reply anyway. And also, I don't want to show up online later tonight. Aside from telling me I'm overspending, he's going to want sex. I want him to want me for more than my body.

I want him to love me. I need someone to love me right now. I need someone to love right now.

But then, I'm not crying. Am I better off not feeling anything right now?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Good night to the people who reads this...

Monday, August 4, 2008

Dan and I

I wonder if it's worth it? Oh well... I'm thinking not but then, I may be wrong. But then, if I really don't, then why do I hang out? It's too easy to forget. But sometimes, it's so hard to remember that you've forgotten. "Mahirap maalaalang lumimot."

Sunday, August 3, 2008

I should be sorry...

I know Dan sucks at this long-distance relationship thing but I seem to suck at explaining my feelings to him so that in the end, I'm just contributing to the failure of the relationship. I'll try to do better in the coming days and months ahead. If I fail, I should at least try.

-me

Friday, August 1, 2008

On why I'm being selfish right now...

Dan is a good person. I truly believe that. And if we spent our days without any change from way back when, then maybe, just maybe, we would stay the same. I guess it's because there seems to be some kind of understanding between the two of us, that the other person loves the other because... Ok, I think I loved him the first time because he reminded me of myself a lot.

Who knows... I was living in a glass case in those times and it was a case that only the two of us could shatter. I know I'm not perfect and I know he's not perfect, but we were perfectly content, I thought, to be in that imperfect relationship. Yes, I know, it is an imperfect relationship. Even up to now, our relationship is so imperfect that it's breaking apart. So ok, I'm at fault for why our relationship is the way it is. My emotions are seesawing every which way that I'm feeling sad and lonely and angry at the least little provocation. If he were to be doing something like this, I'd probably ignore him, basically, because that's the kind of upbringing I've had. Ignore the anger and the day afterward, my mother forgives me for whatever transgression I've done. It's how my life has evolved through the years. It's taken me some time to learn to say I'm sorry because it's never been something that I had to say.

I digress. Well... anyway... it's my fault. I told him I forgive him, yes, and partially, I do. But then, I can't seem to do it completely yet. It's this feeling I have.... That he's still not able to show me whether he truly appreciates me or not. Not really. Not really. Not really.

There's a wildness in his voice when he calls me when he feels that I'm going to turn around and walk away from him. I don't trust that voice though. Ahhh!!! I'm so bad!!! This is the reason why I'm angry, I guess. Ok, it's good to write things down to get a perspective that is usually not there because I always let my emotions run riot over me. At least with writing, I can give thought to my feelings other than simply reacting. So why I don't trust that voice and hate it even? It's the voice I heard when he first put a knife through my heart. I can still hear that hated voice after all these years... Three years have passed, right? Specific words, I cannot say, I just know that it hurts even up till now. Ahhh! That hated hated voice telling me how unneeded I truly am in his life. That voice that tells me he needs me now. That voice that kills me, because in the end, that voice wasn't true. Ohhh!!! Why don't I trust him anymore? Because of that moment. That terrible terrible moment. My fault! My fault!!! My fault!!! I should forget it. I should forgive him and trust him, yes? If I truly trust him, I will not get hurt. Why am I feeling like this? Don't I feel that he loves me still?

He loves me, right? Can't I trust that? Why can't I trust that? Going round and round in circles. Ahhh!!! I can't seem to get it.

Will I trust him if he calls me? Not really. Sometimes, I'm not sure if he calls me because he wants to hear my voice? Sometimes, he calls because there's something he needs. Or sometimes he calls because there's something I need. Or sometimes, it's sex. I feel so low sometimes. Because I want to hear that same desperation I feel in his voice to call me because he just misses me. When did he call me just because? I don't know. He called last time because he needed assurance that I was ok. That's because he cared, right? Yeah, I should drill that to my head. He cares for me. And then there was that call last time because I was feeling so worried. So he called because he cares, right? He doesn't call that often because he's trying to save money, right? But then...

He says that he doesn't write that much then because he didn't have any access to the internet. Now he has access day and night. But it still doesn't change. He still doesn't write as much. He goes online to watch something, anime or whatnot and then makes me feel that the time I ask him to talk to me, is time that I'm taking away from him. I guess I bore him now. I guess I'm not worth a little time for him. It hurts me. It hurts me a lot. And then he says, I should save money. Truthfully, it's a vicious cycle for me, because when I feel ignored like this, then I try to get his attention. I do it and then I feel let down because in the end, I still feel ignored, and then I get angry, so so angry, that I want to lash at him. And I try so hard to make him understand, but he doesn't do so. He still continues on. And he tells me that I don't appreciate him, that I forget all the good things because of how I feel. Te truth is, I've been trying to but everyday, feeling like this makes me feel so low. Everyday. Everyday. Everyday. And to take it everyday? It's like constant torture. It's truly torture.

How does he make me feel this way? Easily. So easily. I keep thinking, does he have time for me? Does he have time to truly just write something, because I would think that it's interesting to hear something like that for me, but... no... But then, I thought that maybe he's just different now. Different from the guy I met in college who could and would send me messages everyday. I thought, maybe... But then, I learned that he's still that guy. Just not with me. Why? Why can't he be like that with me? Why with other people? And he asks why I'm jealous?

I try, don't I? Don't I just try? Am I not worth the effort anymore?

He says that he feels alone and imprisoned where he is, but then, he doesn't share it. He just says that he does. I keep asking, what do you do? Where do you go? What does everyone look like? What is it like? And when I ask, he says that there's nothing to say. What am I supposed to do?

Ever since he went away, I lived for the day when he comes back. My driving need was to stay as close to him in my thoughts. I wanted to love him forever. I wanted to see him once again. I wonder if I truly will?

There's a part of that thinks that I want to die just because I want him to regret leaving me behind like that. A part of me that says it's worth it to die because then he'll think of me as that girl he loves. I think it's a very selfish thought of mine but it's still integral in my mind whenever I feel lost to him. I don't really mind dying. I don't think I'm a bad person and if I did do something truly truly evil, then I should deserve hell.

I've thought about letting go so many times that I feel so unfair about feeling this way. But then, I feel like I'm holding on to nothing.

I can't seem to breathe right now.

I want him to love me. I want him to need me. I want him with me. I want him. Ah! But then he says I don't understand him anymore. I wonder... Is it my fault? Is it? Is it? Is it? I can't seem to find a reason why not understanding him would be my fault. There's only so much I can take.

I'm sorry if you're reading this. But then, should I be sorry for saying the truths in my heart. Why can't you understand me anymore?

I may not be that good a person but I'm not so bad that I deserve to cry every night, right? If you don't want me to cry anymore, then stop making me cry.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

March Letter...

Roxanne,

I don't know how to say this but I have learned my mistakes. (Not really. You haven't changed) I should have loved you more. (So basically you don't love me?) I should have cared for you more. (So basically you don't care?) I should have shown you more how much I am willing to give for our relationship. (So you could have given more except you didn't?) I shouldn't have fooled around. (If you shouldn't have done it, why did you do it in the first place?) I want our love to last. (Not the way it's going.) I want you so much that it hurts so bad knowing that you already decided to leave me. (Show me.) It hurts so bad that I don't even know how to fix things between us without you telling me what to do. (Why do I always have to tell you what to do? Don't you have a mind of your own? If not, then maybe I should rethink the past two years over.) I am a hopeless case. (It sure seems like it.) I am very sorry for being one. (Sorry people actually do something to make up for it.) From this moment on, I am going to send you email everyday if possible. (Actually, you only lasted two days.) I should have thought about this a long time ago but I thought it didn't mattered that much to you. (Of course it matters. It still matters up to now.) I was thinking that I only have to wait for one year and then I can see you again. (One year is a long long time.) I was planning not to return here when I go for vacation. (I'm sure it's mostly for you.) Sure the money is great but nothing can be compared to the times when we were together. (And you find work boring, right? Basically, you're coming back for you and not really for me.) Those times when we would watch movies on our laptop for a whole day. (I remember that in those time, you would always be the one to choose the movies.) Those times when we would go to malls and eat to our hearts content. (You hate going to the mall. And we don't eat out so much because you hate the thought of spending.) Those times when we would argue which movie to watch. (I always have to let you win.) Those times when I would wake up and see you sleeping next to me. Those times when I woke up and see you cooking our breakfast. (Why can't you cook breakfast at least once?) Those times were the best times of my life. (You left me behind.) I have never said these words before to other girls if that is what you're thinking. (How can you? You've never lived with any of your ex's before.) I never did things out of the ordinary with girls except with you. (It's more like I can't get you to do anything extraordinary. It's so much harder that extracting a tooth. I couldn't even get you to meet my biological family.) You are the one that makes me feel more than happy. (Hah! You don't even notice when I'm not there.) You are the one that gives meaning to my existence. (I'm a doormat.) You said you want me to catch you, but can you do the same for me? (You haven't caught me yet. I'm still falling.) I am breaking apart right now without you. (You've already broken me.) Please don't tell me that you never want me back. I would never want to come back if am going to lose you. What's the point of going back when there's no one waiting for you? (Thanks for the guilt trip!!!) you ever truly forgive me? Can you please not hate me anymore? Can you please continue loving me? I promise not to hurt you anymore. I will do anything you want just to make up things between us. I have changed. I swear. I love you. (Right? So how many months has it been since you said that? So when will that miraculous change show itself?)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Email to Dan that I didn't send him...

Should I send this? Hmmm... My gut says yes but I know he'll just whine and not do anything to really make me feel better. He'll just complain and in the end, I really won't get what I want. I'll confront him when he comes home. I hope to God that he won't do anything bad while he's in Abu Dhabi and make me regret not sending him this. If he does, I'll just have to learn that I am better off, though. It will hurt.

Dan,

Think of it this way... I'm growing up... Because if I saw that before, I would not have talked to you outright, ok? Geeze! So I'm upset. Who wouldn't? I can't even get you to email me that much in a day. You're always super busy, you say... Hell... you didn't even email me back for yesterday's.
Another thing is that you're always so depressing in your emails to me that you emit such sadness in your emails that I can't feel happy receiving emails from you anymore. Ok, delete that, I am happy... sometimes... sometimes though... ok, truth is... I'm not very happy from your emails these days. Do you email me because you want to or you email me because you have to?
Hell!!! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!! Ok, I wasn't going to go get angry and now I'm feeling righteous in my anger. Call me stupid or crazy but now I'm going psycho about this already. Buti pa siya, mas maraming emails nakuha sa iyo ngayong araw. Ilan ba iyon? Hmmm... Isa? Dalawa? Tatlo? Hmmm... Buti pa siya nag-email ka ng reply sa forwarded message niya lang... Buti pa siya, parang masaya kang ka-email siya. Ano nga ba naman ako? Girlfriend mo lang. After all, nakuha mo na ako. Nagamit mo na rin ako. Depressing girl who's waiting for you. After all, wala nang effort na kailangan kapag ganyan, ano? Ang tamad mo!!!
Naaalala ko pa kung paano ka dati. Pero hindi ka na parehong Dan na minahal ko noon. Would it be better for me now if I actually just walked away way back then when I still loved you than to have stayed and sometimes want to hate you?

Hmmm... you don't know how to keep promises...
Hmmm... you forget important dates...
Hmmm... you make a person feel unimportant...
Hmmm... you make a person feel like crap...

You really shouldn't say something that was so easy for me to check. Well...

I'm bad.

Things Dan does for me:

He calls me.
He lends me money.
...
...
I'm trying!!!
Ummm...
He emails me back...
Should that even be something he does for me?
He tells me he loves me...
He was absent from work for a day to talk to me...
We had cybersex that day and he din't want to talk about my problems...
He tells me he loves me...

Argh!

I'm not in a good mood right now...

Sunday, July 27, 2008

A dissection

Whenever I think about Dan loving me and my loving him, I used to be so... Okay, so we have our differences and we have our problems... from the very start.

Are we strong enough for this. I don't think I have the strength to this about this tonight. No, I don't think I'm strong enough for this tonight.

My father...

He is 76 years old. Old, you might say, but I've never thought of him as old until recently. All throughout my life, my father is just my father. Taller than me and always spoiling me and my mother.

I'm adopted. I came into their lives 23 years ago or so. I grew up an only child.

My father is imprinted in me. He's kind, yes, very very kind. They have never been harsh in raising me. In fact, they have been too gentle. He used to lie in this sofa we used to have and I would lie on him and he would tickle me like crazy and I would tickle him back. No one else would do such a thing to me.

He always brought me siopao home. I don't eat it anymore but that siopao and his kindness, gentlenesss and patience for a small little brat seemed unending, wrapped in that small siopao.

I'm all grown up now. And yet when it has come to be my turn to protect them, I can't. I feel inadequate, not only for Tatay, my only true father figure, but also for Nanay who has told me that pride in oneself is everything.

My mother... She hates being pitied but she has found herself in a situation so intolerable for her. She hates to give up like this, but what else can she do?

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Dan loves me...

He does. He really does. But then... I feel so bad about what's happening right now that I think I'm almost angry.

Does anyone truly love me?

I feel alone right now. I'm literally alone but this time, I feel so much more alone. In my life, I've felt this way a lot of time but I neverthought I'd come back to this point once again.

What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to do this? Why is this happening? Why? I don't know what to do, really!!! I don't know what to do!!!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I want to love him forever...

But I also don't want to sometimes.

Monday, June 23, 2008

On whether I should care...

I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in.

He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore.

There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right?

No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah!

I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helplessness, and this feeling of unasailable sadness deep inside me, is kept inside me. I don't dare tell anyone, how I want to kill sometimes, how I want someone to bleed, because I hurt and I hurt physically, and I want someone else to feel such hurt. I want someone to scream the scream I keep inside me.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

It's easier to just go to sleep and not care...

I'm so so tired. I'm very very tired. I'm tired of a lot of things but I don't dare say it out loud. I don't dare think of it too much. If I do, I might just give up. Again.

I'm so tired...

I'm so very tired and afraid of living tomorrow. Or maybe the day after that. How do I do this? I'm not even sure how I've gone through today. But then, today is still ok. But tomorrow. Now tomorrow is very scary. It's so scary that... Hell!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

On whether to move on...

I don't want him to be lonely.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

...

I want to cry but right now, I'm at work so I'm not going to do that. However, I already feel so bad. I feel so so bad.

You can't always get what you want. You always have to choose between one thing or another. I hate this but I don't even know what choice I actually have. I know I'm being stupid but I've been so stupid for the past two years that I'm not sure that I would be happy not being being stupid. After all, I've actually convinced myself that being foolish could get me the happiness that I never knew before. But then, it was being stupid.

I have to be firm on this. I have to be strong for myself. I have to. I don't care if it's fair or it could become the end for our relationship anymore. The way that he is reacting, or perhaps not reacting, makes me wonder if it is going to be ending some time soon. It's not that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. It's not that I don't love him anymore. I still love him. I still love him best. But when I think about it for so so long, I'm not happy anymore this way. It's too unfair. If he can't give me what I want now, he won't give me what I want 5 years from now. I probably won't end the relationship yet, but I've already given it some thought, on this little test of mine. It's not going to be forever. I can love him forever but I can't be with him forever. I'd just end up killing him.

I think I'm starting to become ready for the end of this relationship. The way it is going, the way the play is running, it's going to end. He'll probably blame me. Hell! He'll blame me. But that's the kind of people we are. We're both so selfish. So so selfish. Do we love the other person more than we love ourselves? I think I can. At least I can say it. I love him more than I love myself. I don't think he can say the same though. He truly truly values himself more than he values me. It's probably the product of our childhood. I was a spoiled brat, so I spoil the people who I love. I tend to shower people with attention and physical things. I give and give. As a child, he felt ignored and unappreciated, so as much as he can, he wants to take as much as he can get. He wants everything without giving back. It's the type of person he is, though. I'm not saying I'm unselfish. I'm still a product of my twisted childhood. I'm still a spoiled brat. Because I can only give something up as long as I'm truly happy. When I'm sad. When I feel ignored, then I simply run away. I don't stay long enough to fight. I'm spoiled enough to believe that if I ignore it, it will be ok the next day.

I'm going to be ok. So maybe I'll cry tonight. I've been through this before. I know that no matter how hard I may cry tonight, there will come a day when I won't even care to do so. There will be a day that I may not really forget, but I won't completely remember.

I may be sorry I'm giving up, because giving up not only means that I failed in some way, but also because I know that I'm not the only persn hurt by my actions. However, this period in my life will teach me somehow, just about what is more important for me and for the one I love. If I just am not more important than his pride, then, there is just no going from here. This is as far as I go and I'll be taking myself back little by little.

Am I safe this way?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

There's something terribly wrong with me these days and it's affecting my confidence. I've always been a quick study. I've never needed to read anything more than three times to understand the basic value of what I'm reading about. These days, I find myself so much more scatterbrained than I usually am. I can't even read everything and remember the core of it anymore. I have to read everything twice now.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Argh! Weird week. Nanay and Tatay shouldn't have come to Manila. I've gotten complacant. Last Friday, when I came home, I actually forgot to lock the door. I didn't even turn the knob lock. That's so stupid of me. I was already going to go to sleep and it was already 1:30 am when I checked if I locked the door and bolted everything, it turns out that I didn't. Argh! You'd think I'd be more careful. And when I woke up today, I checked if I turned the knob on the gas before going to sleep and I didn't. And to top it all off, I almost burned the apartment. Just a few more minutes and I would probably be dead due to stupidity. I filled the kettle to heat some water to cook the oats in and completely forgot about it. I didn't even remember heating the water. I actually went back to sleep with the five more minutes attitude. When I woke up, there was the smell of plastic burning. I thought it was the newly-repaired electric fan but when I checked it, it wasn't even warm. But when I went outside the room, it was smoking. At first I thought the smoke came from outside and I was going to forget about it but then I saw the kettle on top of the stove and the stove was burning. The plastic handle completely burned off. There was no more water inside and the fire was still going. What can one expect? I turned off the stove and ran water over the smoking melted plastic. Argh! How stupid can I get? Well... I've actually been stupid like this one and a half years ago but then, I thought I've gotten over it. I have got to get ahold of myself.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Tears in my Guitar

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough for me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Leche flan

Galing sa ibagn site...

Caramelized sugar:

1/3 cup of brown sugar
1/6 cup of water
Dash of salt (optional)

Place the sugar in the center of a saucepan. Pour water around the sides of the pan. Before the pan gets hot and just when you first put the sugar in the sauce pan, make an X with your finger across the sugar. Do not stir. Turn on the stove to medium heat, bring to a full boil and cook without stirring, swirling the pot occasionally to even out the color, until all the sugar is melted and is amber-caramel in color. Pour the caramelized sugar in a llanera (Philippine aluminum oval mold) or a baking dish.

Custard:

4 egg yolks
1 can condensed milk
After emptying the can of condensed milk, fill the same can with 1/3 liquid milk or water. (Note: this is 1/3 can).
1 tsp of pure vanilla extract

1. In a mixing bowl, mix the yolk gently to break it.
2. Empty the can of condensed milk in the yolk mixture
3. After emptying the can of condensed milk, fill the same can with 1/3 liquid milk or water. (Note: this is 1/3 can) Stir the liquid milk (or water if you prefer) in the can to get all the remaining condensed milk that is sticking to the sides of the inside of the can. Pour this in the mixing bowl.
4. Mix the liquid mixture gently. To have a smooth set custard, do not whisk the mixture so as not to create bubbles in the custard.
5. Strain the mixture while pouring it into the llanera with caramelized sugar.
6. Cover tightly with foil. This avoids moisture from the steam or water to get to the custard while cooking.
7. Cook in a water bath for about 25 minutes or test it by putting a butter knife into the flan and no mixture sticks to the butter knife

To serve, run a knife around the edge of the llanera or baking dish and invert into a serving plate.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I'm undecided.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I'm riding the heat of my anger. Later, I'm going to cry my heart out. So much waste. I can't take it. I feel hurt inside. I feel raw. I have nothing. I feel so bad. I feel so sad. I can't take it. I don't want anything anymore.

I lived my life, day to day, for him, because I believed in him and I believed in my love for him. I believed in his love for me. Now, what do I believe in?

Am I nothing now? Just another girl in a lifetime of another person. I wish I was more. I wish I was the one. I wish that I could be the one to be loved forever.

Now what am I? What is he now? I thought I was the girl for him. I hoped and prayed and actually believed that he was the one I was waiting for. I'm so stupid. I'm too stupid. I should have known. I really should have known better. But then, I kept hoping and praying. I'm so stupid.

I really don't know what path to take anymore. Just yesterday, I still believed that the path I was taking was true. But now, I see the gaping hole in the path that I cannot pass through. The hole will not be filled and I am as empty as that hole that seems to go on forever. Should I turn back and find another path? Should I just turn around? I want to stay and stare at that hole forever. I want to die in this path because it was the path that made me happy. But then, it wasn't a true path, was it? It was just my illusion. So all the happiness I had was an illusion. Nothing is true anymore.

I want to believe in him and I want to believe in me. But then, I don't believe in him anymore. I guess I don't believe in myself anymore either.

I hate this. I hate him. I hate myself.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

How to live alone (if you’re a cute girl in a weird neighborhood):

- Believe in your actual ability to fend for yourself.

- Con someone to pay for the deposit and advance. (preferably your boyfriend) The contract will state their name instead of yours, thus, the liability is theirs and not yours.

- Clean the place up before you start to actually live in it. Spray insect spray and don’t forget to disinfect. Just because something looks clean doesn’t necessarily mean that it is clean. If you’re too afraid of bacteria, put a face mask and gloves on. Don’t be stingy in buying antibacterial, anti-mold and anti-everything disgusting. It’s all worth it the first time around. Anyway, you’ll have a little bit left for emergency mold.

- Find out just what the neighbors do with their garbage. You don’t want garbage stinking up your home. Also, it’s good to invest in anti-smell garbage bags. (I prefer lavender-scented)

- Clean water is a must for drinking. There are usually water refillers all around and the water isn’t very expensive either. However, if your water from the tap isn’t so bad, you can also boil it or buy a water filtering system. I personally bought a Brita pitcher because I’m so lazy. However, remember that using Brita is much more expensive if you’re living alone and not at home very often.

- Remember that the more electrical appliances you have, the higher the electric and water bills. If you’re the type who likes cold water, buy a small usb-powered cooler. It’s big enough for a bottle of cold water. If you hate washing clothes, invest in expensive detergent. (the type where you leave the clothes overnight) It’s cheaper than having your clothes washed and you won’t accidentally lose any. For any blood splatters, because you’re a girl and it’s a monthly thing, five minutes of soaking in bleach and water will make everything look perfectly white/light.

- If you’re very forgetful, make sure to give someone else a spare key and that person is the type to rush to your side every time you forget. (sorry Jere and Mando for all the late-night calls) If you have already forgotten twice and gotten all the spare keys you’ve scattered about inside the house, make sure there’s a nearby cheap hotel to sleep in for the night. If you’re not that sleepy, you can stay at an overnight internet café and chat with anyone who bothers to bleary-eyed you.

- Have a place for everything. Storage boxes are great. Storage boxes that double as something else are the best. I’ve found several tables and chairs that are the best for these. Hooks are good for hanging clothes and stuff. There are certain hooks that are best for certain types of walls. Ask the clerks in the hardware store you frequent.

- If you own a laptop, you’ll find that you don’t need much for entertainment. Aside from using it for internet browsing, word processing and such, you can also use it for watching movies, playing music, checking local television news and playing games. Check out the nearest free wi-fi in your area. They’re usually in food courts. If you luck out, you can actually find free wi-fi and socket connection too. Let’s face it, one hour of surfing the net can be a hassle when you’re downloading stuff like e-books, mangas, games and… Invest in some speakers. They’re not that expensive and it could save you from having permanent ear damage from headphones.

to be continued

Friday, February 8, 2008

Nangyari na ba ito sa iyo? Nasa MRT o LRT ka. Mahaba ang pila. Walang pila sa machine. Sampung piso lang ang coins mo. Kulang ang sampung piso sa pupuntahan mo. Ano dapat mong gawin?

Kumuha ka na ng card. Bayad ka na lang sa babaan ng kulang. Mas mabilis kaya iyon.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

In my dreams, there are no other people. Just me floating over an abyss, suspended by time. I'm not really floating. I'm falling. But time has stopped for me. It's not that I can save myself. It's just that I have this consciousness that I am falling and that it's that space in time that all realizations come to me. I am falling and yet, I don't really care.

Monday, February 4, 2008

I have nothing to say.