Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from 2008
I don't feel bad about what is happening to us right now. Three more months and we're standing in a precaorious cliff. Who knows what tomorrow brings? I don't care. Maybe the past is worth it enough for me not to regret the future. I love him, though.

Dan again...

I'm thinking about my relationship to Dan over again. Yes, him once again. Must be boring to read this blog, ne? Ahhh!!! Never mind! I've got nothing to say right now. It's still the same thing over and over again. I better try finding a new song.

Salvame

I need to miss you I live in the hopelessness since you don't come back to me I survive just for anxiety with a knot in my stomach and the fact is that I can't stop thinking of you little by little my heart is going to lose faith... to lose voice rescue me from the forgetfulness rescue me from the loneliness rescue me from the weariness I'm done to your will rescue me from the forgetfulness rescue me from the dark rescue me from the weariness don't let me go down anymore I want to go on but "love" is the word that sometimes is hard to forget I survive just for anxiety with a knot in my stomach and the fact is that I can't stop thinking of you little by little my heart is going to lose faith... to lose voice rescue me from the forgetfulness rescue me from the loneliness rescue me from the weariness I'm done to your will rescue me from the forgetfulness rescue me from the dark rescue me from the weariness don't let me go down anymore (x3)

Rescue Me

Extrañarte es mi necesidad Vivo en la desesperanza Desde que tu ya no vuelves mas Sobrevivo por pura ansiedad Con el nudo en la garganta Y es que no te dejo de pensar Poco a poco el corazon Va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas Me propongo tanto continuar Pero amor es la palabra Que me cuesta a veces olvidar Sobrevivo por pura ansiedad......con el nudo en la garganta Y es que no te dejo de pensar Poco a poco el corazon Va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad Salvame del has

I'm angry and sad at the same time

I want to say that I forgive him but I'm not sure if he's sorry that we're fighting or he's sorry because he's giving up. Maybe I should let it . But then, where am I right now? If he was here, I might let it go, I think, because eventually I'll feel his hunger for me in his kiss. I would believe that tomorrow would be better than today. However, in this state of mind that I'm in now, I am... disdainful of his emotional distance. I am disappointed in his avarice for money. I am... sad at being alone. I am... hoping he'd tell me that he loves me, truly, and making me believe it. I am... hoping that I'm not disappointing him. I am... trying my best and knowing that I'm failing. I am... so alone. Hoping against hope that he would tell me he's there without throwing it in my face. I'm so bruised deep inside. But then... Why? My head aches. My heart aches. My body aches. I am empty. I am nothing. Am I going to ever be able to find worth in mys

On how I feel right now

I'm so sleepy but I don't really think I'll be sleeping early. There's no hope for that. I want to but I know I'm a little disturbed. No, that's not true. I'm a lot more disturbed than that. Hmmm... I'm thinking about a lot of things. Like the fact that I don't think I'll have a lot of money next month. It's ok. It's only money. But then, it'll be a problem when we have to pay a lot of money to the hospital when Tatay is discharged. Life can be harsh to some people. Sometimes, I wonder about the path I have taken. But then, it's a path I've chosen. No going back in time available for me. There's only today and tomorrow. I don't regret choosing to be their daughter. What I regret is being too uncaring about the past few years. Perhaps if... Perhaps not... I'm working hard not to have any problems. But then, it's not like problems can truly be avoided. However, in my life, I know that some things, I truly deserve

Does he still love me?

I'd rather he hate me, if his hate lasts forever, then that means that I'm in his heart forever. If he doesn't care anymore, however, I'd rather just die or disappear forever without a trace. Because if he doesn't feel anything anymore, then my existence in his life is meaningless, and my existence in this life is meaningless. I'd rather not care, but then again, I do.

He says he hates me...

He says that sometimes, he hates me. I wonder just how deep that hate is. I wonder how long that hate has grown already. I wonder whether he hates me more than he loves me. I don't want to be hated by the one that I love. But then if he doesn't love me, then what do I do? I don't know what to do about our situation. I'm trying so hard but then, I think, I may not be loved anymore.

...

He hasn't emailed me yet. It's been two days but then, sometimes, even one day seems so long already. I don't really mind. I've decided to put a little manacle on myself. No calls. No texts. No emails. No nothing. Not that I don't want to. Although there is a part of me that doesn't feel the overdriving need I used to have. It's just that... There's nothing... I want to know if he still loves me. I want to know if I still love him. But then, my questions won't be answered in two days. My mind is a mess. I can see it in my apartment. I don't feel at peace and I don't feel like caring right now. But then, I want to know. I hope I still love him, weird as it sounds. Though it would most probably hurt me. I still want to. But then, I don't want to call him. He'll tell me I'm overspending. I don't want to text him. He'll tell me the same thing. I don't want to email him. He won't reply anyway. And also, I don't want

Dan and I

I wonder if it's worth it? Oh well... I'm thinking not but then, I may be wrong. But then, if I really don't, then why do I hang out? It's too easy to forget. But sometimes, it's so hard to remember that you've forgotten. "Mahirap maalaalang lumimot."

I should be sorry...

I know Dan sucks at this long-distance relationship thing but I seem to suck at explaining my feelings to him so that in the end, I'm just contributing to the failure of the relationship. I'll try to do better in the coming days and months ahead. If I fail, I should at least try. -me

On why I'm being selfish right now...

Dan is a good person. I truly believe that. And if we spent our days without any change from way back when, then maybe, just maybe, we would stay the same. I guess it's because there seems to be some kind of understanding between the two of us, that the other person loves the other because... Ok, I think I loved him the first time because he reminded me of myself a lot. Who knows... I was living in a glass case in those times and it was a case that only the two of us could shatter. I know I'm not perfect and I know he's not perfect, but we were perfectly content, I thought, to be in that imperfect relationship. Yes, I know, it is an imperfect relationship. Even up to now, our relationship is so imperfect that it's breaking apart. So ok, I'm at fault for why our relationship is the way it is. My emotions are seesawing every which way that I'm feeling sad and lonely and angry at the least little provocation. If he were to be doing something like this, I'd prob

March Letter...

Roxanne, I don't know how to say this but I have learned my mistakes. (Not really. You haven't changed) I should have loved you more. (So basically you don't love me?) I should have cared for you more. (So basically you don't care?) I should have shown you more how much I am willing to give for our relationship. (So you could have given more except you didn't?) I shouldn't have fooled around. (If you shouldn't have done it, why did you do it in the first place?) I want our love to last. (Not the way it's going.) I want you so much that it hurts so bad knowing that you already decided to leave me. (Show me.) It hurts so bad that I don't even know how to fix things between us without you telling me what to do. (Why do I always have to tell you what to do? Don't you have a mind of your own? If not, then maybe I should rethink the past two years over.) I am a hopeless case. (It sure seems like it.) I am very sorry for being one. (Sorry people

Email to Dan that I didn't send him...

Should I send this? Hmmm... My gut says yes but I know he'll just whine and not do anything to really make me feel better. He'll just complain and in the end, I really won't get what I want. I'll confront him when he comes home. I hope to God that he won't do anything bad while he's in Abu Dhabi and make me regret not sending him this. If he does, I'll just have to learn that I am better off, though. It will hurt. Dan, Think of it this way... I'm growing up... Because if I saw that before, I would not have talked to you outright, ok? Geeze! So I'm upset. Who wouldn't? I can't even get you to email me that much in a day. You're always super busy, you say... Hell... you didn't even email me back for yesterday's. Another thing is that you're always so depressing in your emails to me that you emit such sadness in your emails that I can't feel happy receiving emails from you anymore. Ok, delete that, I am happy... sometimes...

A dissection

Whenever I think about Dan loving me and my loving him, I used to be so... Okay, so we have our differences and we have our problems... from the very start. Are we strong enough for this. I don't think I have the strength to this about this tonight. No, I don't think I'm strong enough for this tonight.

My father...

He is 76 years old. Old, you might say, but I've never thought of him as old until recently. All throughout my life, my father is just my father. Taller than me and always spoiling me and my mother. I'm adopted. I came into their lives 23 years ago or so. I grew up an only child. My father is imprinted in me. He's kind, yes, very very kind. They have never been harsh in raising me. In fact, they have been too gentle. He used to lie in this sofa we used to have and I would lie on him and he would tickle me like crazy and I would tickle him back. No one else would do such a thing to me. He always brought me siopao home. I don't eat it anymore but that siopao and his kindness, gentlenesss and patience for a small little brat seemed unending, wrapped in that small siopao. I'm all grown up now. And yet when it has come to be my turn to protect them, I can't. I feel inadequate, not only for Tatay, my only true father figure, but also for Nanay who has told me that pri

Does anyone truly love me?

I feel alone right now. I'm literally alone but this time, I feel so much more alone. In my life, I've felt this way a lot of time but I neverthought I'd come back to this point once again. What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to do this? Why is this happening? Why? I don't know what to do, really!!! I don't know what to do!!!

On whether I should care...

I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in. He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right? No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah! I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helples

I'm so tired...

I'm so very tired and afraid of living tomorrow. Or maybe the day after that. How do I do this? I'm not even sure how I've gone through today. But then, today is still ok. But tomorrow. Now tomorrow is very scary. It's so scary that... Hell!

...

I want to cry but right now, I'm at work so I'm not going to do that. However, I already feel so bad. I feel so so bad. You can't always get what you want. You always have to choose between one thing or another. I hate this but I don't even know what choice I actually have. I know I'm being stupid but I've been so stupid for the past two years that I'm not sure that I would be happy not being being stupid. After all, I've actually convinced myself that being foolish could get me the happiness that I never knew before. But then, it was being stupid. I have to be firm on this. I have to be strong for myself. I have to. I don't care if it's fair or it could become the end for our relationship anymore. The way that he is reacting, or perhaps not reacting, makes me wonder if it is going to be ending some time soon. It's not that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. It's not that I don't love him anymore. I still love him.
There's something terribly wrong with me these days and it's affecting my confidence. I've always been a quick study. I've never needed to read anything more than three times to understand the basic value of what I'm reading about. These days, I find myself so much more scatterbrained than I usually am. I can't even read everything and remember the core of it anymore. I have to read everything twice now.
Argh! Weird week. Nanay and Tatay shouldn't have come to Manila. I've gotten complacant. Last Friday, when I came home, I actually forgot to lock the door. I didn't even turn the knob lock. That's so stupid of me. I was already going to go to sleep and it was already 1:30 am when I checked if I locked the door and bolted everything, it turns out that I didn't. Argh! You'd think I'd be more careful. And when I woke up today, I checked if I turned the knob on the gas before going to sleep and I didn't. And to top it all off, I almost burned the apartment. Just a few more minutes and I would probably be dead due to stupidity. I filled the kettle to heat some water to cook the oats in and completely forgot about it. I didn't even remember heating the water. I actually went back to sleep with the five more minutes attitude. When I woke up, there was the smell of plastic burning. I thought it was the newly-repaired electric fan but when I checked it, it wa

Tears in my Guitar

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about And she's got everything that I have to live without Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny That I can't even see anyone when he's with me He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right, I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night [Chorus:] He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe? And there he goes, so perfectly, The kind of flawless I wish I could be She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause [Repeat Chorus] So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light I'll put his picture down and maybe Get some sle

Leche flan

Galing sa ibagn site... Caramelized sugar: 1/3 cup of brown sugar 1/6 cup of water Dash of salt (optional) Place the sugar in the center of a saucepan. Pour water around the sides of the pan. Before the pan gets hot and just when you first put the sugar in the sauce pan, make an X with your finger across the sugar. Do not stir. Turn on the stove to medium heat, bring to a full boil and cook without stirring, swirling the pot occasionally to even out the color, until all the sugar is melted and is amber-caramel in color. Pour the caramelized sugar in a llanera (Philippine aluminum oval mold) or a baking dish. Custard: 4 egg yolks 1 can condensed milk After emptying the can of condensed milk, fill the same can with 1/3 liquid milk or water. (Note: this is 1/3 can). 1 tsp of pure vanilla extract 1. In a mixing bowl, mix the yolk gently to break it. 2. Empty the can of condensed milk in the yolk mixture 3. After emptying the can of condensed milk, fill the same can with 1/3 liquid milk or
I'm riding the heat of my anger. Later, I'm going to cry my heart out. So much waste. I can't take it. I feel hurt inside. I feel raw. I have nothing. I feel so bad. I feel so sad. I can't take it. I don't want anything anymore. I lived my life, day to day, for him, because I believed in him and I believed in my love for him. I believed in his love for me. Now, what do I believe in? Am I nothing now? Just another girl in a lifetime of another person. I wish I was more. I wish I was the one. I wish that I could be the one to be loved forever. Now what am I? What is he now? I thought I was the girl for him. I hoped and prayed and actually believed that he was the one I was waiting for. I'm so stupid. I'm too stupid. I should have known. I really should have known better. But then, I kept hoping and praying. I'm so stupid. I really don't know what path to take anymore. Just yesterday, I still believed that the path I was taking was true. But now, I see

How to live alone (if you’re a cute girl in a weird neighborhood):

- Believe in your actual ability to fend for yourself. - Con someone to pay for the deposit and advance. (preferably your boyfriend) The contract will state their name instead of yours, thus, the liability is theirs and not yours. - Clean the place up before you start to actually live in it. Spray insect spray and don’t forget to disinfect. Just because something looks clean doesn’t necessarily mean that it is clean. If you’re too afraid of bacteria, put a face mask and gloves on. Don’t be stingy in buying antibacterial, anti-mold and anti-everything disgusting. It’s all worth it the first time around. Anyway, you’ll have a little bit left for emergency mold. - Find out just what the neighbors do with their garbage. You don’t want garbage stinking up your home. Also, it’s good to invest in anti-smell garbage bags. (I prefer lavender-scented) - Clean water is a must for drinking. There are usually water refillers all around and the water isn’t very expensive either. However, if your wat
Nangyari na ba ito sa iyo? Nasa MRT o LRT ka. Mahaba ang pila. Walang pila sa machine. Sampung piso lang ang coins mo. Kulang ang sampung piso sa pupuntahan mo. Ano dapat mong gawin? Kumuha ka na ng card. Bayad ka na lang sa babaan ng kulang. Mas mabilis kaya iyon.
In my dreams, there are no other people. Just me floating over an abyss, suspended by time. I'm not really floating. I'm falling. But time has stopped for me. It's not that I can save myself. It's just that I have this consciousness that I am falling and that it's that space in time that all realizations come to me. I am falling and yet, I don't really care.