Tuesday, March 30, 2010

RELAPSE!!!

Cold as You

You have a way of coming easily to me.
And when you take, you take the very best of me.
So I start a fight 'cause I need to feel somethin'
And you do what you want 'cause I'm not what you wanted.

(CHORUS)
Oh, what a shame.
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say.
And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you.

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray.
And I stood there lovin' you and WISHED them all away.
And you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.

(CHORUS)
Oh, what a shame.
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
So just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say.
And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you.

You never did give a damn thing, honey.
But I cried, cried for you.
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you.
(Died for you)

Oh, what a shame.
What a rainy ending give to a perfect day. Every smile you fake is so condescending.
Counted all the scars you made.
Now that I'm sittin here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Mirrors and Purple glitter

Am I the girl I see in the mirror? My head is in such a haze but when I look in the mirror, I look ok. My make-up is low-key and simply pretty. My hair is up in a ponytail and not all over the place. I’m actually in a pretty white blouse, plain brown dress pants and my trusty flats. If I look far enough away, I don’t see the tears almost breaking out, the stupid confusion in my eyes and the almost pinched look on my lips. I look ok.

The dark purple fingernails feel weird for me all day. I miss the red almost-bloodlike tips. I miss sinking the tips of long nails on someone’s flesh. Ahhh... Well... I’ve cut them down to a sufficiently short length so as not to hurt anyone now.

I know that I’m being unfair right now and that I’m spiralling on a really bad place. I’m spinning this weave that I’m getting stuck on. It’s not like I want to get stuck. I just don’t know what else to do except spin it and spin it until I get dizzy and maybe lose a memory that hurts. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 and 9 threads being spun all at the same time. They’re all bound to get stupidly knotted in an impossible weave that will most likely get me stuck in a stupid trap.

Oh well... Life goes on.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

As of today

My freakin’ back hurts. My legs hurt. Yesterday, it was just the knees. Now my whole body feels bad. My face looks bloated and my eyes look dead. Tsk!!! Getting drunk really isn’t all that great these days. I think I need a whole dump of water.

I tried the dark violet nail polish. In fairness, it matches my blouse today. I don’t know how comfortable I am with the color though. I still like it better when it looks like blood is dripping off the edge of my nails.

I’m so tired. It’s the first day of the week. Why am I this tired already? Sleep is hard when one puts a lot of poison in one’s body. I need some sleep, a facial and a good massage.

Drunk and Insane

Well... So much for not drinking. We found the atm card. What were we supposed to do? Get stinking drunk then. Who gets drunk on two bottles? Not me. But the heels are hell on the feet. Really hellish. Oh damn!!! Note to self: Party shoes are not dancing shoes...
My poor feet.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Friday night

It’s a Friday night and I’m still at the office. I’d go out but I’d rather not do so alone. I don’t trust myself. I might end up drinking and burning myself up. There’d be no other reason or excuse except there’s a dead feeling inside and I don’t want to feel dead again.

I’d like to light a fire somewhere. Maybe take to the stage and sing a good song. Maybe dance my stupid lonely dance. I want to shout for something I don’t really understand. It’s another dead feeling. I hate this feeling.

I’m really ok. I think I’m ok. There’s nothing really wrong with me. I just don’t know.

Without You

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper

Cause something's changed
You've been acting so strange
And it's taking it's toll on me
It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I'm seein myself so differently
I didn't wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I'd say
I'm fine
Without you

Called you up cause' it's been long enough
And you said that you were so much better
We have done a lot of growing up
We were never meant to be together

Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it's taken it's toll on me
It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I'm seein myself so differently
I didn't wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I'd say
I'm fine
Without you

Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it's taken it's toll on me
It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I'm seein myself so differently
I didn't wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I'd say
I'm fine,
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
I just wanna be alone tonight,
I just wanna take a little breather.

I Miss You

Sha-la-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la-la
You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
You'd hold me close in your arms

I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me

[CHORUS:]
I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you

You used to call me your dreamer
And now I'm living out my dream
Oh how I wish you could see
Everything that's happening for me
I'm thinking back on the past
It's true that time is flying by too fast

[CHORUS]

I know you're in a better place, yeah
But I wish that I could see your face, oh
I know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

[CHORUS x2]

(I miss you)

Diamonds Aren't Forever

We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak
And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking dead
We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak
And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking dead

We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak
And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking dead
We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak
And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking...

We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak
And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking dead
We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak
And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking dead

I refuse! I refuse!
I refuse to close my eyes

I have loved, and I have lost
I have turned, and I have tossed
I have listened, and I have watched
I've gave into this for long enough
I have lost, and I have loved
Sleep has stolen far too much
So don't close your eyes, not just yet
Sleep is just a cousin of death

I've said it before, and I'll say it again
If you think you're alive then you're better off dead
I've said it before, and I'll say it again
If you think you're alive then you're better off...
I've said it before, and I'll say it again
If you think you're alive then you're better off dead
I've said it before, and I'll say it again
If you think you're alive then you're better off dead

I have loved, and I have lost
I have turned, and I have tossed
I have listened, and I have watched
I've gave into this for long enough
I have lost, and I have loved
Sleep has stolen far too much
So don't close your eyes, not just yet
Sleep is just a cousin of death

So throw your diamonds in the sky, we'll stay gold forever
So throw your diamonds in the sky, we'll stay gold forever

I can promise you one thing: death will take us all
I can promise you one thing: you will die alone

We're all going to Hell, we may as well go out in style
Death is a promise, and your life is a fucking lie

We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak
And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking dead
We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak
And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking dead

I refuse! I refuse!
I refuse to close my eyes

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero nahihirapan ako dahil nami-miss ko talaga siya bigla.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I think I’ll take a break from the game tomorrow. I’m too selfish to let something like this make me feel small.

I wonder if I’m ok with this?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Get out of my head

w.I'm ok now. I know I'm doing a lot of stupid things but I'm ok now. Now please get out of my head.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Lions are tough to understand

I don’t like him that much. There’s a lot of reasons why he won’t understand me. There’s a lot of reason why I shouldn’t play this game with him. It’s not going to be easy. And I’m not going to lose so much more in this game than he ever will.

 

I’m choosing to play the game. I haven’t won yet. That’s the thing with it. I play to win and as long as I don’t win, I’m not going to stop. No matter how many times I lose, as long as in the end, I’m the one who wins, then I’ll quit.

 

It’s a draw right now. He didn’t win but I didn’t lose either. He could have but I did not give anything away yet. I lost something but I also gained something. Or maybe I already lost in the last round that matters. Who cares? I’m going to win because I always win.

 

I know that it’s both the truth and a lie when I say I’m ok. I’m always going to bear the scar but it’s not a wound for me anymore. It doesn’t hurt anymore and I hope it eventually fade.

 

 

Back to the market...

I don’t know how to handle guys. I wonder whether I should stop going online and texting back for a while just so I can breathe... Maybe I could stop texting back for a day. I wasn’t online for the weekend anyway, right? I could turn my phone off.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Tegomass no Ai

Love me!!! Love my idols!!! Hehee!!! I should tell these guys this and watch them run away... Oh well... I'm wearing dark nailpolish to show my goth side and they still think I'm sweet so I guess they don't get it yet. Maybe I should try drawing blood. Oh well... I'm figuring the wrist scars are bad enough. Tsk!!!
Tegomass are amazing!!! There are so many shows being added little by little that I'm starting to worry if Massu will be able to handle it. I sure hope so. Fight!!!
I want to watch!!!
Gutom na ako... Matutulog na ako...

lions over twins

The combination of a Leo man and Gemini woman can be as much fun as a barrel full of monkeys.  You're probably in the mood for a good time if you have been attracted to one another.  Geminis bring out the fun side of Leo.  The lion has the reputation for hogging all the attention, but in truth, a Leo is the perfect audience and enjoys being entertained by Gemini's tricks and turns.

How to Attract a Gemini Woman as a Leo Man:   If you're a Leo man who wants to attract the attention of a Gemini woman, get ready for some competition, and don't let it faze you.  Laugh and take delight in the silly things she says.  This lady is sharp as a tack and playing to an audience.  You'll have to be on your toes to keep up with her.  Try to add a little variety to your courtship style.  Don't be quite so steady and reliable.  If you have been calling her once a week for three weeks, and then skip a week, she probably won't even notice, and if she does, she'll appreciate your giving her some space.  Geminis are easily bored and want immediate gratification.  Stay away from promises about the future and adopt a show-me-now attitude.  She likes to be surprised.  In fact her whole life is one big surprise -- even to herself, so you can do things out of order.  Here's an insider tip:  Be nice to her siblings.  They mean a lot more to her than her parents and an alliance with them will pay off handsomely should you become seriously involved.

How to Attract a Leo Man as a Gemini Woman:  If you're a Gemini woman wanting to attract a Leo man, use your fairy-like precision to skirmish with him on the outskirts of desire.  Don't play dumb.  You know exactly what I mean.

Degree of Romance:   This can be one of the most delightful romances.  Right away they'll feel like they're falling into a romantic comedy.  Each of them has all the lines and moves memorized and will enjoy playing with another master.

Degree of Passion: Leo is a pretty passionate sign.  Gemini is cool and cerebral.  Gemini, try not to laugh at him as he comes on too strong sometimes.  He's overplaying the role.

Degree of Friendship:  These two can be great friends and buddies.  In fact sometimes it's hard for them to take the whole thing seriously enough.  For this reason, they may enjoy dating more than the commitment of marriage and childrearing.  It can be hard for this couple to grow up

in each other's presence.  It's just too much fun palling around together.

Degree of Marriage:  One problem with marriage between the Leo man and the Gemini woman is that Leo probably wants children a lot, and Gemini could care less.  If they find a common
purpose to marriage, it works well, because Gemini lightens Leo up, and Leo stabilizes Gemini.  Furthermore, their communication is likely to be quite good.  Leo men have a tendency to pout and withhold.  Gemini will just keep talking until he finally loosens up and joins the party.  A Gemini can tease anybody out of a sad mood.  They are magical that way.  Furthermore, together the Leo man and Gemini woman will be creative about life which allows them to respond positively to adversity.

Progression of Relationship:   Leo will have to be in control.  His pace may be a bit boring to the Gemini, who wants it all right now.  If they learn to compromise, they can get the best of both.  Leo is old-fashioned, likes to open doors, pay for the dinner, and stage a grand evening.  This can be a little boring to Gemini, but she is oddly vulnerable to flattery and will interpret these as flattering actions.

Sex:   The chemistry between a Gemini woman and a Leo male is great!  Leo is ardent and persistent, while Gemini provides the variety and the interest.  Their motto "Never a dull moment" applies most of all to the bedroom where they work out the majority of their problems by laughing at life together.  There is a feeling of eternal youth between these two which can extend an active sex life much longer than usual.

When It’s Over:  It's over if Leo ever puts his foot down … and he'll take it from there.  He will be especially boring about working out the details of the split.  She can be seen rolling her eyes to the ceiling while her foot taps impatiently on the floor.  She silently screams, "Let me out of here," and makes him play the bad guy.

archers over twins

Opposites attract and these two are no exception.  However, Gemini-Sagittarius is laughingly referred to as the schizophrenic-axis.  You know, multiple personalities, LOL.  They bring it out in each other and they enjoy it.  The Sagittarius man is likely to be utterly fascinated by the Gemini woman as he tries to straighten out her thinking (good luck) and she outwits him at every turn.  She has more rabbits to pull out of a hat than he can ever keep up with.  The Sagittarius man and Gemini woman will cover the spectrum of topics of interest and curiosity.  They are both exceedingly friendly and enjoy casual socializing.  Sagittarius helps Gemini relax, and Gemini helps Sagittarius over some of his rough social spots.  The connection between a Sagittarius man and a Gemini woman is essentially an intellectual one -- conversational and exploratory.  Their minds work in tandem keeping them both fascinated with what the other one is doing and saying.

How to Attract a Gemini Woman as a Sagittarius Man:   Well, you have to catch a Gemini woman with an open hand.  This mercurial lady is fast as quicksilver and she's bound to have many suitors besides you.  Consistency is a good ploy, but that's going to be quite a stretch for you, Sag.  One of your greatest assets is that you can talk circles around her and keep her spellbound that way.

How to Attract a Sagittarius Man as a Gemini Woman:  The direct approach works well if you're a Gemini woman trying to attract a Sagittarius man.  He's caught your curiosity so ask him a few burning questions.  You can be quite blunt.  Sagittarians have nothing to hide and they enjoy an open conversation immensely.  When you're with him, try to follow the rules --  don't use that handicap parking sticker your cousin got you, don't try and return stamps that you've licked, and don't tell him about your bounced checks.  Sagittarians are casual but they are very ethical.  Later on he will likely enjoy controlling, I mean reforming, you, but you might as well warm him up slowly to the task at hand.

Degree of Romance:    Try as she may, the Gemini gal will get very little from romance from this man.  He is much more likely to entertain her as Bozo the Clown than to put on the trappings of the Knight in Shining Armor.  Sorry, this just comes with the territory.

Degree of Passion:   Gemini has the way of bringing out the passion in Sagittarius.  Sagittarians are not by nature possessive or jealous.  The kind of passion referred to is a lust for life, a zest for sex, and an enthusiasm for enjoyment.

Degree of Friendship:  Sagittarius will find Gemini a little confining as a friend.  In fact both signs really prefer to travel solo through the social network.  Most Sagittarians think that other people are downers, which is true.  Most Geminis are tripping out on building an unmanageable ridiculous network of useless contacts that might someday, somehow, possibly come in handy.  Sagittarius would consider that an absolute waste of time.

Degree of Marriage:  This is a stretch for marriage, but opposites do attract in first marriages.  I would warn you, however, that if any two people in the world could drive each other crazy, it would be these two, the Gemini woman and Sagittarius man.  When it gets down to

the serious business of marriage -- that time when you stop traveling around the world every summer and strap on a real job -- they could find themselves at complete odds as to how to divvy up the responsibilities.  Sagittarius needs a partner who's grounded and responsible.  Gemini is constantly distracted and --I'm sorry, what was I saying??

Progression of Relationship:   The relationship will evolve in a circular manner.  Sagittarius will polarize into being the more responsible partner (believe it or not) and will try to pin Gemini down.  It's like pushing a jack-in-the-box back in the box.  Just when you think it's safe to put the lid down … boing!  boing!

Sex:   Sex between these two is like the fun house in the circus, or maybe even the freak house.  Gemini enjoys Sagittarius' uninhibited sexuality so much that it brings out the kinkiness in her, and God knows Sagittarius is game for anything.  With the Gemini woman and Sagittarius man, love-making is absolutely a moveable feast, a banquet of pleasures, with a different
delight du jour every encounter.  We vote these two the most likely to have sex in the backseat of the car, up against the minibar, in the lavatory in the airplane, and in the elevator.  Gemini will suggest doing it under the boss' desk.  Cheap thrill.

When It’s Over:  These two will probably talk about ending it endlessly, but in order to end it formally, somebody's got to be organized enough to sort papers.  Without some external intervention, such as a third party, it is not likely they will get around to doing anything about it for quite a while.  Both signs like to push responsibilities off on other people, feeling that they are "too busy" to handle it themselves, so they have a particular form of procrastination.  Furthermore, in this regard, you can't trust a thing Gemini says, so, Sag, you're gonna have to do it yourself to make sure it gets done.   The price of freedom.

I leaned on someone too much and I suddenly got attached, which is not a good thing. I understand that this might have eventual ramifications. I just never thought it would be so bad as this. I should end it now.

I understand that I’m only trying to like someone because they make me feel good but the thing is, it’s moving too fast and I’m not in love. I’m just in like. In all honesty, I’m simply being very much flattered with the attention I am getting and seeking the security of another relationship when in fact, I am not ready for a new one.

I’m thankful for the time and the effort and all the flowery words that has come my way. It’s a good build-up for my sense of self after it has crashed but in all honesty, why am I even considering something that is obviously not right?

Ok... Time to think... Get drunk again and all that.

Ahhh!!! I’m starting to get attached. Time to start searching for nonsense again.

Horoscope for the Day...

When you love someone, your feelings tend to border on obsessive -- and when they ask you to do something because 'if you loved them, you would,' it's not in your nature to hesitate. Just this once, though, think before you respond. Are you being manipulated? It's probably in your best interest not to be so available right now. Don't answer the phone for a day -- or two.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Great Weekend Escape

The weekend was terribly fun!!! It was!!! I went to the park and swung around lang. I competed with the 10-year-old next to me on who can swing higher. I won. Mas mabigat ata ako.
And then umakyat ng bundok on a bike. It was cold. Going down without the motor on was fun. Blasting jpop music was even more.
And got wasted on a bottle of beer pagkagabi. I'm such an easy drunk pero mabilis naman to sober up.
I'm happy that I went through that. Anrami ko pang hindi nagagawa pero all things come to those to wait naman.
That was just Saturday. Sunday tinulog ko ng 14 hours. Hahaha!!! And then I ate. So good to finally allow myself these things.
Simply put, the weekend was fun.

Friday, March 19, 2010

I’m afraid of tomorrow. I hope it ends well.

 

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Gonna drink this weekend and the next

Yay!!!

Prince Rupert's Drop

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V2eCFsDkK0

 

This is great!!! It’s weird how life actually seems like it. As long as you hide your tail, no one will be able to shatter you.

Holidays

May pasok ako on the upcoming Holy Week Holidays. Woohoo!!! Haha!!! Weird to look forward to it pero I have a lot of time free after. 4 compensatory leaves after that. What can be better than that? Hay!!! Never mind, I’m not asking that stupid question. Gusto ko lang maging masaya with what is given to me. Haha!!!

Karen Carpenter

Shoot! Karen Carpenter due to complications of anorexia. I really gotta find that happiness at the end of the rainbow soon.

You Oughta Know

I want you to know that I'm happy for you

I wish nothing but the best for you both

An older version of me

Is she preverted like me

Would she go down on you in a theater?

Does she speak eloquently

And would she have your baby

I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

 

Cause the love that you gave that we made

Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no

And everytime you speak her name

Does she know how you told me you'd hold me

Until you died 'til you died

But you're still alive

 

And I'm here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away

It's not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

 

You seem very well, things look peaceful

I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know

Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity

I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner

It was a slap on the face how quickly I was replaced

Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

 

Cause the love that you gave that we made

Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no

And everytime you speak her name

Does she know how you told me you'd hold me

Until you died 'til you died

But you're still alive

 

Well I'm here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away

It's not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

 

Cause the joke that you laid in the bed that was me

And I'm not going to fade

As soon as you close your eyes and you knew it

And everytime I scratch my nails down someone else's back

I hope you feel it ...can you feel it?

Goodbye to You

Those times I waited for you seem so long ago
I wanted you far too much to ever let you go
You know you never got by "I feel it too"
And I guess I never could stand to lose
It's such a pity to say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

Could I have loved someone like the one I see in you
I remember the good times baby now, and the bad times too
These last few weeks of holding on
The days are dull, the nights are long
Guess it's better to say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

'Cause baby it's over now
No need to talk about it
It's not the same
My love for you's just not the same
And my heart, and my heart
And my heart can't stand the strain
And my love, and my love
And my love won't stand the pain
And my heart, and my heart
And my heart can't stand the strain
And my love, and my love
And my love...

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

Now, could I have loved someone like the one I see in you
Yeah, I remember the good times baby now, and the bad times too
These last few weeks of holding on
The days are dull, the nights are long
Guess it's better to say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

Goodbye baby
So long darling
Goodbye to you

Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

So long, Honey Babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But Goodbye's too good a word, babe
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

One

Did I ask too much, more than a lot

You gave me nothing now it's all I got

We're one but we're not the same

Well, we hurt each other then we do it again

 

Angry all the time

The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin' a man shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be angry all the time

Heart Beats

My heart is skipping beats, which really tells me nothing. Maybe I need some sugar high. Ahhh... Heart beats...

Sakura Girl on Johnny's

http://www.johnnys-net.jp/j/info_01_mov_sakuragirl2.html

 

Yay!!! The PV was released last night. Yatta!!! And considering that it’s so in tune with my own state of mind right now, it’s all good.

Looking forward...

... to letting go and moving on with my life.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Selfish

My goodness, I was so selfish!!!
I wonder what I'll do on Sunday. I've got Saturday covered but Sunday seems boring. Oh well... Spend a day at home, I guess.

Relapse

It's a password. You understand it, right? You should stop. It's a drug. How about the eating thing?

I wonder what I’ll do tomorrow. I have no plans. Tsk!

Once Upon a Dream

I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream.
I know you
The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
Yes, I know it's true
that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
the way you did once upon a dream

A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

I dislike sleeping

There’s a part of me that stays ok throughout the day but begs a lot of me when I sleep. I try so hard to exhaust myself every day, sleeping only when I can’t open my eyes anymore. This part of me likes to mock my attempts of being ok, showing me dreams which are untrue. These dreams show me what was and what will never be. I need to sleep but I won’t because I’m so tired of waking up crying.

Unlove You

I fell in a perfect way
Never had a choice to make
Crashed into your tidal wave
I didn't even struggle
Sailed right through your atmosphere
Closed my eyes and landed here
Didn't see the trouble
And I didn't care

Chorus:
I can't unlove you
Can't do that
No matter how I try
I'll never turn my back on
Someone who loved me too
I can do most anything I have to

But this one thing I cannot change
I almost kind of like the pain
Wear your tattoo like a stain
It will take forever
To fade away

Chorus

There's always time for other dreams
Why must we erase these things?

I can't unlove you
Can't do that
No matter how I try
I'll never turn my back on
Someone who loved me too
But I can't unlove you
Get through that
No matter how I try
I'll never turn my back on
Someone who loved me too
I can do most anything I have to
But I can't unlove you

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Too bad for friendship

I so much want Dan as a friend. If there is anyone, in the whole of this world, who would actually understand me as a person, it would be him. Every corner of my soul, he has gotten a glimpse of. All the darkness in me, he is privy to.

But it will never happen. We will never be friends. There will always be anger. There will always be such mistrust. And there is the fact that we have a death between the two of us.

And how, when he is the only person to have touched me and from whom I do not flinch away from, can I forget the nights when we sleep together with his face near mine, breathing in, always always memorizing, the scent of his essence?

We will never be friends.
Why?

I so badly want to ask for closure now...

But then, my state of mind is not good.

Hindi ako ok ngayon

Kaya kung puwede lang, huwag mo muna akong saktan.

Hingang malalim

Ok lang 'to.

Ayoko na!!!

Ayoko na talaga.

Ahhh...

Akala ko ok na ako. Yung tipong isang araw, nagigising ako, wala naman masamang sumasagi sa isip ko, tapos biglang, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... ayoko na. Ang hirap magmukhang ok kahit hindi pero kakayanin ko ito. Plastik ata ako.

Tsk! Ok fine!!! Nahimatay ako kahapon. Mas ok naman ako today, ah!

Questions

Bakit ko siya mahal kahit di niya ako mahal?

Bakit ko siya gusto kahit ayaw na niya sa akin?

Bakit ako di ako makagalaw sa kung nasaan ako samantalang matagal na niya akong iniwan dito?

Bakit ako naghintay ng ganun katagal kung wala naman pala akong hinihintay?

Napatawad ko na ba siya o niloloko ko na naman ang sarili ko?

Ano ba ang kasiyahan ko?

Ano nga ba ang gusto ko?

Hindi puwedeng bumalik sa nakaraan.

Hindi puwedeng bawiin ang lahat ng ginawang kasalanan.

Kailangan ang hinaharap na lang ang matira.

Pero sa totoo lang, wala akong makita.

Why is it that I know in my heart of hearts that I love him? What then is true love? For if I love him and he does not love me back and we have lost so much already and there really is nothing else between us, why does my heart ache this way?

I’m a little sad today for no apparent reason.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Sakura Girl

Kanji

さくら

さくらのような君でした
春のような恋でした
いつまでも続いてゆくと
そんな気がしてた

風が吹いて散るように
はらはらと散るように
あの風が連れ去ってゆく
舞って舞って僕のさくら
(僕のさくら)
さくら

突然の出会い教室で二人
何てことない台詞ばかり
でも僕にとっては全部忘れない
きっと一生忘れない

散りゆくなら綺麗なんだってさ
そんなこと知らない僕に何が出来たっていうのさ

さくらのような君でした
春のような恋でした
いつまでも続いてゆくと
そんな気がしてた

風が吹いて散るように
はらはらと散るように
あの風が連れ去ってゆく
舞って舞って僕のさくら
(僕のさくら)
さくら

言葉にならない君の『さよなら』に
まだ受け入れられないことばかり
でも僕の前にもう君は見えない
抜殻さえ粉々に

儚いから綺麗なんだってさ
そんなこと灰色になった今聞きたくないのさ

さくらのような君でした
春のような恋でした
いつまでも続いてゆくと
そんな気がしてた

風が吹いて散るように
はらはらと散るように
あの風が連れ去ってゆく
舞って舞って僕のさくら
さくら

さくらのような君でした
春のような恋でした
いつまでも続いてゆくと
そんな気がしてた

風が吹いて散るように
はらはらと散るように
あの風が連れ去ってゆく
舞って舞って僕のさくら

ララ ラブ さくら

Romaji

sakura

sakura no you na kimi deshita
haru no you na koi deshita
itsumademo tsuzuite yuku to
sonna ki ga shiteta
kaze ga fuite chiru you ni
harahara to chiru you ni
ano kaze ga tsuresatte yuku
matte matte boku no sakura
(boku no sakura)
sakura

totsuzen no deai kyoushitsu de futari
nantekoto nai serifu bakari
demo boku ni totte wa zenbu wasurenai
kitto isshou wasurenai
chiriyuku nara kirei nandatte sa
sonna koto shiranai boku ni nani ga dekitatte iu no sa

sakura no you na kimi deshita
haru no you na koi deshita
itsumademo tsuzuite yuku to
sonna ki ga shiteta
kaze ga fuite chiru you ni
harahara to chiru you ni
ano kaze ga tsuresatte yuku
matte matte boku no sakura
(boku no sakura)
sakura

kotoba ni naranai kimi no sayonara ni
mada ukeirerarenai koto bakari
demo boku no mae ni mou kimi wa mienai
nukegara sae konagona ni
hakanai kara kirei nandatte sa
sonna koto haiiro ni natta ima kikitakunai no sa

sakura no you na kimi deshita
haru no you na koi deshita
itsumademo tsuzuite yuku to
sonna ki ga shiteta
kaze ga fuite chiru you ni
harahara to chiru you ni
ano kaze ga tsuresatte yuku
matte matte boku no sakura

sakura no you na kimi deshita
haru no you na koi deshita
itsumademo tsuzuite yuku to
sonna ki ga shiteta
haze ga fuite chiru you ni
harahara to chiru you ni
ano kaze ga tsuresatte yuku
matte matte boku no sakura

rara rabu sakura...

English

Cherry blossoms...

You were like the cherry blossoms.
Our love was like the spring.
I felt like
it would last forever.

Like how they scatter when the wind blows,
like how they flutter down as they scatter...
The wind takes them away.
Flutter, flutter my cherry blossom.
(My cherry blossom.)
Cherry blossoms...

Our sudden meeting, the two of us in the classroom,
was just a bunch of meaningless words.
But I won't forget any of it.
I won't forget it for my whole life.

"They're beautiful because they scatter..."
But what have I, not knowing that, been able to do?

You were like the cherry blossoms.
Our love was like the spring.
I felt like
it would last forever.

Like how they scatter when the wind blows,
like how they flutter down as they scatter...
The wind takes them away.
Flutter, flutter my cherry blossom.
(My cherry blossom.)
Cherry blossoms...

I'm still unable to accept
your wordless "goodbye"
though I can't see you in front of me anymore.
Even the bits of yourself you left behind have broken into pieces.

"They're beautiful because they're transient..."
But since now's become so gray I don't want to hear that sort of thing.

You were like the cherry blossoms.
Our love was like the spring.
I felt like
it would last forever.

Like how they scatter when the wind blows,
like how they flutter down as they scatter...
The wind takes them away.
Flutter, flutter my cherry blossom.

You were like the cherry blossoms.
Our love was like the spring.
I felt like
it would last forever.

Like how they scatter when the wind blows,
like how they flutter down as they scatter...
The wind takes them away.
Flutter, flutter my cherry blossom.

La la, love cherry blossoms...

Truth

I wonder if I'm being true to myself or I'm masking something away. I just know that it doesn't hurt as much now but there seems to be something red peaking through. Oh well... One week and we'll know.

Percy Jackson and the Lighting Thief (movie)

Having watched Percy Jackson, I was not able to appreciate it enough. The acting was stinted. The effects was nice but the situations and reactions were not that great. It’s ok to watch at home but the cinema experience simply wasn’t worth the price.

 

However, it did remind me of a lot of wonderful things in reading up on mythology. After all, there was Zeus, Athena, Poseidon, Hades and Persephone. Perhaps it’s just me but I actually don’t think Hades would have looked as dreadful as an aging rock star, and I also did not think that Persephone, being a daughter of Demeter, would have looked so dark and gloomy. I don’t particularly like how modern interpretations of the afterlife only show Tartarus. What good is an afterlife if there is only Tartarus to look forward to, anyway? Why would the god of the underworld live in Tartarus instead of the Elysian fields?

 

I look forward to the next instalments of the movie, though I would probably not watch it on a cinema unless treated by someone, simply to see how Dionysius would be depicted in the modern times. I really appreciate what he had done for Ariadne, thus, he became my favourite god. I also look forward to Hephaestus. I understand the feeling of loving when it’s wrong.

 

There’s a lot of things to discuss, laugh over and reminisce on the movie. Charon in particular rings a lot of bells from my past. However, it’s all done, right?

Love Drunk

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Top down in the summer sun
The day we met was like a hit and run
And I still taste it on my tongue
(Taste it on my tongue)

The sky was burning up like fireworks
You made me want you, oh, so bad it hurt
But boy, in case you haven't heard

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a bar fight
So don't call me crying, say hello then goodbye
(Oh yeah!)

There's just one thing would make me say
(Oh yeah!)
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, but now it's over
(Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey)

Hot sweat and blurry eyes
We're spinning on a roller coaster ride
The world stuck in black and white
(Stuck in black and white)

You drove me crazy every time we touched
Now I'm so broken that I can't get up
Oh boy, you make me such a lush

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a bar fight
So don't call me crying, say hello then goodbye
(Oh yeah!)

There's just one thing would make me say
(Oh yeah!)
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, but now it's over

All the time I wasted on you
All the bullshit you put me through
I'm checking into rehab 'cause everything that we had
Didn't mean a thing to you

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, but now I'm sober

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a bar fight
So don't call me crying, say hello then goodbye
(Oh yeah!)

There's just one thing would make me say
(Oh yeah!)
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, but now it's over

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Now it's over, I still taste it on my tongue
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na
Now it's over

First One

Even though you're gone and far away,
I feel you all around.
I think about it every single day,
You got away somehow

I can't sleep,
It's hard to breath,
And i still feel you next to me,
Now, i can see.

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes to a broken heart,
Your first love, yeah, you're so young,
And you feel like a fallin' star,

There's a fire in the city,
That's burnin' out tonight,
You're breathing but you're barely alive,

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes, when it comes to a broken heart.

Spinnin' like a movie in my head,
I've seen a thousand times,
I've learned to take it hard,
And fall instead
of sittin' safe on the side lines.

Lost days,
Pictures fade,
Somehow, you're still miles away,
It's safe to say,

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes to a broken heart,
Your first love, yeah, you're so young,
And you feel like a fallin' star,

There's a fire in the city,
That's burnin' out tonight,
You're breathing but you're barely alive,

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes, when it comes to a broken heart.

'Cause I would run through a thunderstorm
just to kiss you,
I'm out here on my own,
Better now than i was before, but i miss you
and i want you to know.

I can't sleep,
It's hard to breath,
And i still feel you next to me,
and I can see, yeah

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes to a broken heart,
Your first love, yeah, you're so young,
And you feel like a fallin' star,

There's a fire in the city,
That's burnin' out tonight,
You're breathing but you're barely alive,

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes, when it comes to a broken heart.

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes to a broken heart,
Your first love, yeah, you're so young,
And you feel like a fallin' star,

There's a fire in the city,
That's burnin' out tonight,
You're breathing but you're barely alive,

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes, when it comes to a broken heart.

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes, when it comes to a broken heart.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

So then...

I want a new cheap phone so that I can get myself a red mobile. Smart is great for using it on the net and I totally love my phone's specs but I need a basic phone to use red mobile on so I won't have to delete stuff everytime I switch sims. For P0.50 per minute, I don't understand why people don't switch to red yet but I'll try to get them, oh yes, I will.
The LG Lollipop and Ice Cream looks so cute!!! Uber even. Ahhh!!! I want one but I won't get one because truly, the reviews are bad. But really, so cute!!!
I finally found Audio Technica!!! Yay!!! Celebrations are in order!!! I can't wait for June. Yay!!!
I'm so glad I found the vampire mage book for the Dark Series of the Carpathians by Cristine Feehan. I can't wait to read it. I saw it at the bookstore earlier on sale but didn't buy it. Thank goodness for 4shared. It really is the best. I even got myself a pdf copy of Tantalize by Cynthia Smith. Gonna start dreaming of vampires again.
I'm so going to the beach this summer and if everything works out right, I'm going twice. I found some cool bikinis on sale at Naf Naf. Tried them on already and everything. I can't wait to go to the beach!!!

yay!!!

I'm feeling better. I really am. It's not just a little bit. I'm feeling better in a whole lot of ways and I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow.
I'm thankful. I really am, to everyone who made me feel better and listened to me the past few days. I sure hope you guys get your due.
No regrets today. Just hope for a good tomorrow.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Yay! New NEWS and Tegomass releases.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of Tuesday. I'm afraid of next week. I'm afraid of next month. I'm afraid of next year. I'm afraid of a future that has yet to come.
I'm afraid that I'll get hurt. I'm afraid that I'll fall in love. I'm afraid that I'll stay in love with a love that hurts so much. I'm afraid that I won't want any love offered anymore. I'm afraid that I'm always not going to be loved by the one I love. I'm afraid of being discarded. I'm afraid of love.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'll do. I know I want to sleep with a smile on my face but that night will not be tonight. I don't want to sleep. I'm afraid of what dreams bring. I'm afraid of the pain of the tears. I'm afraid of the happiness of false hope. I'm afraid because I know it's all so untrue.
I'm afraid to live. I want to suddenly just collapse, lose all my mind and leave the world for unreality. I'm afraid of everything.
I don't know what to believe in anymore. There's gotta be something true out there for me, right? Why do I not believe in that anymore? What happens with tomorrow?

Loss

This feels painful. I feel so scarred. So much blood lost. And now I can barely eat. I should do something right now. I can barely breathe.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

FW: Re: Thank you, sorry and goodbye

-----Original Message-----
From: him
Sent: Thu, 11 Mar 2010 18:37:19 -0800 (PST)
To: me
Subject: Re: Thank you, sorry and goodbye

I'm sorry. That's the only thing I can say to you right now. And you don't have to say sorry for the things you have done because you have every right to do those things to me. I acknowledge my weaknesses and faults. I'm sorry if I was afraid to say to you before that I was being unhappy with what's going on between us. I'm sorry if I got frustrated to make you understand that I have things I wanted to do in my life like this business thing and how I'm getting depressed over my failure. I'm sorry if I get irritated on how I thought your Nanay dictates how our lives should run. If there is someone to blame with what's happening right now, it is me.I'm sorry if I wasn't answering your phone call or text messages. It's because I don't know what to say to you or hear you crying over the phone. Believe it or not, it breaks my heart whenever I know you're crying. Don't worry about me I'll be fine. It's you who I'm worried about. I want to be alone right now and pick up the pieces of my life that I shattered myself. I wish we can smile when we see each other in the time to come. I am really sorry for everything. I want nothing else but your happiness.


Get your new Email address!
Grab the Email name you've always wanted before someone else does!

Someday I'll forgive you completely

For myself.

Talk to me and look me in the eye next time we meet. Maybe then I won't cry.

I want you to be my friend someday. I don't know if that will ever happen.

Please don't reply to this so we can stop the bad cycle right now.

Ang weird ng buhay, ano?

Ang bilis niya magbago. Ang alam mo kahapon ay hindi na totoo ngayon...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Ayoko na

Ayoko na talaga. Ang sakit-sakit na. Di ko nakakaya. Ayoko na. Ayoko na.

I want revenge sex

Oh yes I do!!! But I have no idea how to go about doing it.

Two options:

-Talk to the ex and ask him if he's willing to have crazy stupid sex for an hour or so...

-Call up the dangerously easy guy on the phone and ask him if he's ok with casual sex...

But!!! This is really just a crazy idea and I shouldn't do it. I'm just going on my crazy bit.

Taylor Swift- Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow

I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken do you mean
Do you mean what you say
When you say our love could last forever

(Chorus)
But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

I like the way you'd hold me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you'd sing to me
Every time things got rocky


I was believing in you
Was I mistaken do you say
Do you say what you mean
When you say our love could last forever

(Chorus)
Cause I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

(Bridge)
You would run around and lead me on forever
While I stay at home still thinking we're together
I wanted our love to last forever

(Chorus)
But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow
Baby don't you break my heart slow

I'm angry again

I'm going up and down. One time I'm already satisfied and ok, another time, I'm so so angry that I want to kill. Other times, this despair just overwhelms me.
I've started out today so well. I didn't cry but was a little angry but I got over it and painted my nails clear. I went to the office and composed my thoughts, writing over and over again. I was a little self-satisfied, reveling on the feeling that I was going to be ok for tomorrow and then suddenly...
Going home, the feeling of being alone made me feel so so bad again and the evil thoughts crept inside.
I've started slashing my wrists with the dull blade again. Somehow the sight of the red horizontal marks satisfies me for a little bit. What frightens me is that I have started to become a little more vicious with myself, pushing just a little deeper, pulling across the skin just a little faster. I'm unconsciously putting the blade against my neck. This is really scaring me.
I'm continuously losing weight at an increasingly fast pace. The thought of food just makes me want to hurl really really badly. It's a really bad sign of something I can't control.
I want to be ok tomorrow. I want to be a little more happy. Please please please.
Jacques, when will you come back and talk to me?
This is bad. No one will help me because I don't know how to shout it out. My heart is losing. I hope it beats through tonight.

logic and reason works how?

In my mind, I understand what I am doing is not correct.

state

In fairness, I did not cry today but then I’m starting to get depressed again. I really should start finding something else to do.

Try to Sleep with a Broken Heart

Even if you were a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me
And even in the bottom of the sea
I can still hear inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time you were telling me lies

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold onto the times that we had
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart
Well you can try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, only, nobody ever shut it down like you
You wore the crown, you make my body feel heaven-bound
Why don’t you hold me, need me, I thought you told me
You’d never leave me

Looking in the sky I can see your face
And i knew right where I’d fit in
Take me, make me
You know that I’ll always be in love with you
Right til the end

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold onto the times that we had
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could have told you right from the start
It’s bout fall apart
So rather than hold onto a broken dream
Or just hold onto love
And I could find a way to make it
Don’t hold on too tight
I’ll make it without you tonight

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold onto the times that we had
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

 

Realize the truth of it all...

I kept thinking over and over what is it that I have done wrong. Where have I given too much? Where did I err? In the end, it wasn’t really me at all, was it? It was him and his perceived failures in himself. No matter how many times I encourage him and try to tell him that only he would do, he still did not believe in himself enough and needed someone else to tell him. I really was not enough at all. Or maybe I was too much.

Gutom na ako!!!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Damn

Oh fuck! I can't breathe right.

Thank you, sorry and goodbye

Dear Dan,

I hope that you read the whole letter because I'm really afraid that you won't and all the thoughts inside of my head right now would be wasted. I'll try not to be angry so please try to read it with an open heart just simply for the fact that once upon a time, you told me that you loved me and that I believed you. I don't know if it is wrong or if it is right but I believe that at that moment in time, both of us believed that it was true.

This is not a letter for you to take me back. This is not a plea for you to have mercy. And I'm hoping that once finished, this is not a letter that is a shout of anger as well.

I'm going to the ob-gyne again this Friday and I'm hoping that in spite of the fact that there has been some stress, I have not done anything bad to my baby.

I'm sorry if I'm not willing to share. I'm sorry if I sprung it on you but I didn't mean to have this happen. I did not mean for the things that happened to happen. Please do not get me wrong, I love this baby and I want it with all my heart. I did not steal her. I truly thought I was not fertile but I have had a change in my medication, as the doctor has told me to stop medication for a while and this has affected my cycle.

I'm sorry I did not talk to you decently on the phone when you called to ask. I'm sorry because at that point in time, I could not talk about it. I was so angry at you then that I did not have the heart to talk to you at all. At that point in time, I was at a place and with a person that I dare not tell. I really don't know when I'd ever tell anybody else but it's my life and since right now I am alone, I do not have to worry.

First off, I'd like to say thank you for the 4 years you have given me. It had a lot of ups and downs and though a part of me is angry and have not forgive you completely, another part of me is happy to have felt all the feelings I have felt when I was with you and I am truly grateful to have been loved and to have loved you.

I have given a lot of thought and have written a lot of things over the past few days. I have scrolled back to the letters and I have viewed back on the pictures. The things that I have written, reread and viewed have given me enough of strength to be able to write this with a little less anger, a bit more forgiveness and a lot more compassion for you.

I'm sorry that I found it so hard and am still finding it hard to let you go. I have thought of death, loss of memory or simply murder, I confess. But as I said, there has been a lot of realization. Please do not worry, as you know, all the knives around here are blunt. I don't think I have enough will to knock myself out. As for murder, I'm trying really hard to forgive you one thing at a time. The weeks past, I did not know the place I had in your life. Now I do.

I'm sorry that I hit you so many times. I was angry, truly angry, and I was feeling my life crumbling around me that time. I know that you wanted me to let you go but I was selfish and I did not feel I had anything inside of me left. I'll get on eventually.

I'm sorry I don't understand why you did what you did. I hope to but I really don't. I guess that that's the ultimate divide between the two of us. I don't think I can say a lot more over this so I'm going to have to skip this.

I'm sorry I left you in January at the apartment alone most of the time. I know that you have given a lot of effort to give me time. I was really tired but I should really have given thought to what you were feeling at that time.

I'm sorry I was so demanding over your time. I'm sorry I missed you so much that I was so immature. I truly wanted to spend a lot of time with you and I was getting afraid because I felt that something wrong was happening. I'm sorry for asking too much.

I'm sorry I was not understanding of your circumstances. I kept wanting for you to understand me that I didn't listen enough. I'm sorry because I was being blind.

I'm sorry you thought I did not want you. I did but I was really feeling low and I was feeling unloved, in spite of the fact that you tried to show me in your own way that you loved me. But please know that I truly wanted you.

I'm sorry that I kept texting and calling. Truthfully, there were days where I was already happy and I simply wanted to ask if you were ok. But then I got angry when you did not answer the phone and the thought that ran in my mind was that if I was getting murdered right then, and I simply wanted to ask for your help, I would have died alone. But really, I should not have expected anything more. It was my life and not yours.

I'm sorry I got your sim card and cancelled it so soon. It makes me feel guilty over the fact that you might be applying for a job and you were not getting the calls that you should. I hope you have changed the numbers in your resumes as soon as you have gotten a new one.

There are a lot more things to say sorry for. I don't really expect forgiveness nor reconciliation. I hope just that someday, when I meet you on the streets, I'll be able to smile.

I'm sorry that I cannot fully forgive you yet not can I fully say it's all gone and done inside my head and my heart. Someday I hope to. Another day I will be angry. I'll try to control myself on that day. Another day I will be sad. I will try to cheer up. Someday I will stop thinking of it all. It is a day I look forward to.

I don't expect you to understand everything contained here. I don't expect a reply. I just hope you read it. I've already packed all your stuff. There're lot of bags and a lot of boxes. It's one way to let go.

The letters below were something we once wrote, somehow it seems a long long time ago. I hope you read it too, just so you'll understand just a little bit of what I feel right now. I guess this letter has sustained me a lot over the years that you were gone. I guess however, it does not apply anymore. But then, it's just another reason for me to let go.

I've actually deleted all the other emails already. Forgiveness is given one thing at a time and letting go takes time as well. Closure is not something I expect to have from you so I'll do my part to close it all myself.


baby ko,
if you can never forgive me, know that I'm truly sorry. Regarding with Chasen, I don't
feel guilty. I was just polite to reply to her messeges. After all, I did hurt her and she
deserve a little acknowledgement even though the things between us are over. He have a bf
now and I feel happy for her. If you don't really want me back then maybe its fine. I want
us to stay together. Actually, I'm begging you to take me back. But all is really up to
you. If you think that I'm not worth it and if I'm really that easy to let go, then maybe
it is fine. If that would make you happy. Did you know Chasen said, when I was broking up
with her, that she is willing to let you be my legitimate gf and she the no.2? But I chose
you anyway. You're the one I love and wanted. My mind is so messed up right now. You're
making decisions and I'm here helpless. I was weak and I'm sorry. I think you're tired of
the sorry thing. Can we really not return things to the way it was
before? If you'll never going to talk to me again, know that I love you and that I'll
always be thinking of you. I keep trying really hard to forget the things that happened to
you before because I really love you. Why can't u do the same for me? Is your love
shallow? I'll do anything you want. If you ask me to come home, I will. just don't leave
me. I really do sound pathwtic, begging someone to love me, but what can I do? WHY ARE YOU
LETTING GO OF ME SO EASILY??? MANY MEN HAVE DONE WORSE BUT THEY WERE FORGIVEN, WHY CAN YOU
NOT FORGIVE ME??? I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHY. MAYBE I JUST DON'T WORTH IT. IF THAT IS
YOUR REASON THEN THAT MAKES ME VERY SAD.

Roxanne San Buenaventura wrote:
> Dan,
> I want to tell you that I totally forgive you right now. I really really do. When I
> think about it, I really want to. I love you. At least I think I love you. But then, how
> can you love someone when you don't particularly know that person? I thought I know you,
> but then, with what has happened, I'm not sure I know you all that well anymore. But
> well... ok, I'm going beyond the point.
> I want to have faith in you. I don't want to be the way I am now. I don't like myself
> right now. Basically, I am not the person that I want to be and I don't know what to do
> about it.
> I don't really want to get too worked up over something like this. Well... I do. Ok, I'm
> confusing you already, probably. But then... ok. I don't like going through something
> very very long. I don't like to think about a problem overly long. Life is short. Life
> isn't something that we can really live thinking that life will be ok tomorrow. So
> basically, if I'm going to forgive you, I really should just get it over with. I should
> just say, ok, I forgive. I wish it was so easy.
> Can we start over? Can we just? One thing though, through anything, I am not telling you
> what to do. I won't. I just won't. When I asked for effort, I asked for that. Really,
> effort. And that includes effort to do something on your own. This includes doing
> something on your own terms.
> Hello, my name is Roxanne. I like to read books. I like romance novels and magic. I like
> making stories in my mind. I also like humming out songs I make up. I've been humming
> out songs since I was five. I'm not very good at it. I used to think I actually know how
> to sing but I'm not very sure anymore. I guess it depends sometimes. My favorite goddess
> in mythology is Artemis. Basically because I like the moon so much. It's because I loved
> the anime, Sailormoon ever since second grade. I like anime a lot, especially shoujo.
> I've only had one boyfriend ever. For real. Someone once said that there must be
> something wrong with me because I didn't have a boyfriend before. Well... maybe. I'm not
> exactly normal but then, I get really disturbed when I meet seemingly normal people.
> Whenever I do so, I always wonder what exactly they are hiding deep inside. I didn't
> really mind not having a boyfriend before. Basically, I don't believe in giving effort
> in something unless I believe in it. Maybe it's because I've always read romance novels.
> And I believe in happily ever after. Ok, maybe not. I don't believe in total perfection.
> I'm not perfect myself but then, I just have one hope in my relationship. I want to be
> totally contented in being in love with one person and one person only. I promised
> myself and my future love, long before I met him, that I will do anything, be totally
> devoted, as long as he loves me and only me. If that love breaks, if he doesn't love me
> anymore, then I
will break, because I believe in love too much.
> I'm weird. Long before I met my lover, I've always tried to imagine that he is with me.
> Whenever I'm lonely. Whenever I'm happy. Whenever something makes me feel confused. I
> would talk to him in my mind. I would share my life with him, even before I met him. His
> imagined embrace in my troubled times made me go on with my life, as hollow as I felt it
> before I met him. I existed for him. I waited for him. Can you imagine not feeling
> anything? It was my life before meeting him. My only solace then was my thoughts. No one
> reached me. No one saw me. I was nothing.
> Nothing prepared me to the feeling of being in love. Nothing could ever compare to it.
> How to describe it? It was like a flame in an eternal cold darkness. It was sudden color
> bursting in a grey world. It was life after having felt dead inside for so so long.
> Happiness and sadness. How it made me feel the best and the worst and the peaks and the
> lows.
> I was in love. I'll tell you more about my life tomorrow, ok? I hope you're ok with my
> telling you this.

baby ko,
I don't think I can ever fall asleep easy again when you finally leave me. I wish I could
just die. This fucking life sucks. I am insecure and a fucking jerk. You deserve someone
better. If you leave me, I will really hate you. Can you please give me one last chance? I
will do any thing you want. by the way, the wifi wasn't working properly on thursday.
Maybe we can chat friday say 3pm? pls? I wish when I fall asleep theres no more waking up.
If I am to live, I want to spend it with you.

Roxanne San Buenaventura wrote:
> Nakakapagod na. Ayoko na sa sarili ko. Bahala na. Dan, tanong ko, paano kung mamatay ako
> bago ka bumalik? Hindi sa pagpapakamatay ako mamamatay. Kung baga, maaksidente lang ako.
> You'll get over it, I think. Ang problema ko, kung mangyari iyon sa iyo, baka mawalan
> ako ng ulirat. Kakainis. Ayoko na. Nakakainis na. Ang daya mo. Bakit kailangan dapat mas
> mahal ka ng mahal mo? Ayaw mo kasing bigay talaga ang sarili mo. Kakainis na. Pagod na
> talaga ako. Tama na. Ayoko na. Oo, binuksan ko emails mo pati friendster mo. Bakit
> kailangan masaktan ako ng ganito palagi? Bakit?

Can you just kill me? I cannot function anymore. I love you. I cannot sleep knowing that
you're leaving me. Kill me instead. You're killing me slowly and very painfully.

Roxanne San Buenaventura wrote:
> Nakakapagod na. Ayoko na sa sarili ko. Bahala na. Dan, tanong ko, paano kung mamatay ako
> bago ka bumalik? Hindi sa pagpapakamatay ako mamamatay. Kung baga, maaksidente lang ako.
> You'll get over it, I think. Ang problema ko, kung mangyari iyon sa iyo, baka mawalan
> ako ng ulirat. Kakainis. Ayoko na. Nakakainis na. Ang daya mo. Bakit kailangan dapat mas
> mahal ka ng mahal mo? Ayaw mo kasing bigay talaga ang sarili mo. Kakainis na. Pagod na
> talaga ako. Tama na. Ayoko na. Oo, binuksan ko emails mo pati friendster mo. Bakit
> kailangan masaktan ako ng ganito palagi? Bakit?

I cannot sleep. I'm so tired but my mind keep thinking bout you and to what's going on
between us. I decided that after this salary this march, I will give my resignation. I
still have to stay for one month though so first week ng May n ko mkakauli. I have to buy
my own ticket though. Promise me you will take me back when I go back there. I don't know
what else to do. I will be wqiting whole day for ur reply granted that there is an
internet connection. I love u.

Roxanne San Buenaventura wrote:
> Nakakapagod na. Ayoko na sa sarili ko. Bahala na. Dan, tanong ko, paano kung mamatay ako
> bago ka bumalik? Hindi sa pagpapakamatay ako mamamatay. Kung baga, maaksidente lang ako.
> You'll get over it, I think. Ang problema ko, kung mangyari iyon sa iyo, baka mawalan
> ako ng ulirat. Kakainis. Ayoko na. Nakakainis na. Ang daya mo. Bakit kailangan dapat mas
> mahal ka ng mahal mo? Ayaw mo kasing bigay talaga ang sarili mo. Kakainis na. Pagod na
> talaga ako. Tama na. Ayoko na. Oo, binuksan ko emails mo pati friendster mo. Bakit
> kailangan masaktan ako ng ganito palagi? Bakit?
> ____________________________________________________________
> FREE 3D EARTH SCREENSAVER - Watch the Earth right on your desktop!
> Check it out at http://www.inbox.com/earth

Last night and today

I wrote a really long letter so that I could find forgiveness in myself for the mess our relationship has become, to give peace to someone else and in a way, to let go, last night.
I closed my eyes and felt the pain in my heart again just before I went to sleep. I became a little angry but I managed to sleep just a little bit.
Anger was still in my heart when I woke up. Maybe someday, I'll wake up without feeling a thing. I hope that day comes soon.

Lies and truths

I did not want to accept the reality that the life I’ve led was a lie but I have to understand that it is not in any way my own fault that it has become a lie. I truly believed in the love I gave. Everything I did was for that love. I felt the joys and the pains and I lived day to day. I have made a lot of sacrifices through the years and I have chosen a lot of paths. This path has led me here. Be it stupid to have believed that moment, it is still my choice to have believed. Though they were lies, they were not mine.

I understand that the choices I made are not always right and that I am not always good. What gives me strength in spite of this knowledge is the thought that I have always done what I could for love as love should never sway, whatever else might crumble.

Though this hurts so bad that no other hurt ever could and as I forgive him for what he has done, one thing at a time, I will have to understand that though I have let myself think over the years that what I had was what I deserved to have because it was what I wanted, there is always something more that the world can offer and I simply have to reach out for it and grasp it.

I have to give up on Dan simply because I understand that though I love him, I am not destined for a destructive love. I am not destined for a love that is not given back.

I understand the lure of death and the lure of letting all the memories go but though I have given up a lot of myself to be with him, I am still very much a person in my own right, destined to live my own life. Be it a life lived to a ripe old age or one that will end on the moment after this, it is a life. I should not be afraid of memories that have encouraged me to be happy.

I also understand the lure of forcing my way back into his mind and his heart but I will not ever trust a love that is untrue, I will never trust a love I have simply begged for, not earned. I wish to cast a spell and I believe that I could, simply with the will I have inside of me, but this will drain my very soul. I can make a wish and simply offer a hope that this wish would come true. Not a wish for the love to come back but maybe a wish for a love I deserve.

I do believe that Dan was my soulmate. He understood and accepted me for what I truly was. He helped me though a lot of pains and has protected me from myself a lot of times. I tried in the best of times to understand and provide the whole of myself that he needs. That he himself have destroyed this relationship makes me very unsure of myself. And in the future selves that I will have, I will most likely run away from this love, no matter how happy he has made me, simply for the final hurt that has destroyed that part of me. It’s very sad because to be afraid of love is one of the worst things to be in the world. But love comes to those who asks for it and though my heart is crumbling now, there is always hope for tomorrow for tomorrow is time’s gift for us.

Get it on...

Hindi ko kailangan mag-isip. Wala naming akong ginawang masama. Ano pa bang iniisip ko? Wala na dapat, di ba? Get on with life na lang.

ayoko na

Gusto ko na talaga magpakamatay dahil sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon at di ko na makayang mag-isip ng ganito oras-oras. Kahit na sabihin ng lahat na “I’m better off.” at “Other good things will happen.”, ayoko nang maniwala. Wala na akong gusting paniwalaan sa mundo. Gusto ko lang mawala na. Ang hirap-hirap kasi. Sabi niya, “Gugustuhin mo bang magkarelasyon tayo kahit di na ako masaya?” Masama bang mawala na lang sa mundo, kahit na alam kong may umaasa pang mabuhay ako? Ayokong mag-isip ng ganito. Ayokong sabihin kahit kanino ang mga ito. Pero sa totoo, sa sobrang hirap ng nararamdaman ko, hindi ko maisip kung paano ko tatapusin ang araw na ito. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano pang nagpapaandar ng mundo ko. Alam ko lang, ang sakit na ito, lalo lang lumalala habang umiikot pa rin ang mundo.

Ang araw na ito

Hindi ko alam pero mas mahirap ang araw na ito kesa kahapon. Kahapon kasi, nakakapag-stop pa akong umiyak. Ngayong araw, sagad na sagad ang sakit sa puso ko, hindi ko mapigilan.

.

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! You took over my world and now you’ve left me all alone. How do I move on?

 

Monday, March 8, 2010

State of Self

I have red scratches on my wrists. I know I shouldn’t do it but I do and hopefully, someday, I’ll stop doing it.

I ate one piece of hopia last Saturday.

I ate two spoonfuls of rice last Sunday.

Last night, I ate a plateful of spaghetti.

I can hardly stomach eating and it hurts to wretch in the morning because there’s really nothing there to hurl out.

I’m feeling really faint and low and I think I’m going crazy with all this thinking.

 

 

Sunadokei

Romaji

Oto no nai sayonara ni wa

Setsunasa ga nijinde

Kimi ga senaka wo muketa sono toki

Namida ga kyuu ni koboreta

 

Soshite toorinukerarenai

Meiro no naka ni kimi wo sagasu

 

Kokoro wa doko made itami wo seoeru darou?

Sunadokei wa saigo no hitotsubu dake

Mada sukoshi tameratteru

 

Shinjiteta kimi to deai

Koi wo shita kimochi wo

Sore igai ni wa nanimo iranai

Sore ga subete to omotteta

 

Nazeka taisetsu ni omou hodo

Kizu tsuketetari kizu tsuiteru

 

Wasurete shimaeba donna ni raku nan darou?

Sunadokei wa saigo no hitotsubu dake

Mada sukoshi tamerau kedo

 

Kokoro wa doko made itami wo seoeru darou?

Sunadokei wa saigo no hitotsubu dake

Mada sukoshi tamerau kedo

 

Wasurete shimaeba donna ni raku nan darou?

Sunadokei wa saigo no hitotsubu dake

Mada sukoshi tameratteru

 

Itsu mademo tameratteru

 

English

The soundless goodbye

Was blurred by pain

When you turned your back

Tears suddenly spilled over

 

Then I search for you

In a maze I can't escape

 

How much pain can one heart bear?

The hourglass falters

On the last grain of sand

 

I believed in our meeting

And in the love I felt

I don't need anything else

I thought that was everything

 

For some reason the more I love you

The more I hurt you, and you hurt me

 

How much easier would it be if I could forget?

The hourglass falters

On the last grain of sand, but...

 

How much pain can one heart bear?

The hourglass falters

On the last grain of sand, but...

 

How much easier would it be if I could forget?

The hourglass falters

On the last grain of sand

 

It's always faltering