Monday, June 23, 2008

On whether I should care...

I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in.

He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore.

There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right?

No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah!

I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helplessness, and this feeling of unasailable sadness deep inside me, is kept inside me. I don't dare tell anyone, how I want to kill sometimes, how I want someone to bleed, because I hurt and I hurt physically, and I want someone else to feel such hurt. I want someone to scream the scream I keep inside me.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

It's easier to just go to sleep and not care...

I'm so so tired. I'm very very tired. I'm tired of a lot of things but I don't dare say it out loud. I don't dare think of it too much. If I do, I might just give up. Again.

I'm so tired...

I'm so very tired and afraid of living tomorrow. Or maybe the day after that. How do I do this? I'm not even sure how I've gone through today. But then, today is still ok. But tomorrow. Now tomorrow is very scary. It's so scary that... Hell!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

On whether to move on...

I don't want him to be lonely.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

...

I want to cry but right now, I'm at work so I'm not going to do that. However, I already feel so bad. I feel so so bad.

You can't always get what you want. You always have to choose between one thing or another. I hate this but I don't even know what choice I actually have. I know I'm being stupid but I've been so stupid for the past two years that I'm not sure that I would be happy not being being stupid. After all, I've actually convinced myself that being foolish could get me the happiness that I never knew before. But then, it was being stupid.

I have to be firm on this. I have to be strong for myself. I have to. I don't care if it's fair or it could become the end for our relationship anymore. The way that he is reacting, or perhaps not reacting, makes me wonder if it is going to be ending some time soon. It's not that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. It's not that I don't love him anymore. I still love him. I still love him best. But when I think about it for so so long, I'm not happy anymore this way. It's too unfair. If he can't give me what I want now, he won't give me what I want 5 years from now. I probably won't end the relationship yet, but I've already given it some thought, on this little test of mine. It's not going to be forever. I can love him forever but I can't be with him forever. I'd just end up killing him.

I think I'm starting to become ready for the end of this relationship. The way it is going, the way the play is running, it's going to end. He'll probably blame me. Hell! He'll blame me. But that's the kind of people we are. We're both so selfish. So so selfish. Do we love the other person more than we love ourselves? I think I can. At least I can say it. I love him more than I love myself. I don't think he can say the same though. He truly truly values himself more than he values me. It's probably the product of our childhood. I was a spoiled brat, so I spoil the people who I love. I tend to shower people with attention and physical things. I give and give. As a child, he felt ignored and unappreciated, so as much as he can, he wants to take as much as he can get. He wants everything without giving back. It's the type of person he is, though. I'm not saying I'm unselfish. I'm still a product of my twisted childhood. I'm still a spoiled brat. Because I can only give something up as long as I'm truly happy. When I'm sad. When I feel ignored, then I simply run away. I don't stay long enough to fight. I'm spoiled enough to believe that if I ignore it, it will be ok the next day.

I'm going to be ok. So maybe I'll cry tonight. I've been through this before. I know that no matter how hard I may cry tonight, there will come a day when I won't even care to do so. There will be a day that I may not really forget, but I won't completely remember.

I may be sorry I'm giving up, because giving up not only means that I failed in some way, but also because I know that I'm not the only persn hurt by my actions. However, this period in my life will teach me somehow, just about what is more important for me and for the one I love. If I just am not more important than his pride, then, there is just no going from here. This is as far as I go and I'll be taking myself back little by little.

Am I safe this way?