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Showing posts from June, 2008

On whether I should care...

I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in. He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right? No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah! I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helples

I'm so tired...

I'm so very tired and afraid of living tomorrow. Or maybe the day after that. How do I do this? I'm not even sure how I've gone through today. But then, today is still ok. But tomorrow. Now tomorrow is very scary. It's so scary that... Hell!

...

I want to cry but right now, I'm at work so I'm not going to do that. However, I already feel so bad. I feel so so bad. You can't always get what you want. You always have to choose between one thing or another. I hate this but I don't even know what choice I actually have. I know I'm being stupid but I've been so stupid for the past two years that I'm not sure that I would be happy not being being stupid. After all, I've actually convinced myself that being foolish could get me the happiness that I never knew before. But then, it was being stupid. I have to be firm on this. I have to be strong for myself. I have to. I don't care if it's fair or it could become the end for our relationship anymore. The way that he is reacting, or perhaps not reacting, makes me wonder if it is going to be ending some time soon. It's not that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. It's not that I don't love him anymore. I still love him.