Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Life is confusing

I'm glad JR is back but it's starting to feel confusing again. He's getting obnoxious, which I don't like and I hope he either gets over it before I start getting fed up. Ugh!
JR obviously wants my mother gone. Nanay obviously is willing to go so that JR would be happy with our life. I'm not willing to give up my mother. This is hard!!!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

On separation

Whenever I listen to you, it seems that even paper flowers have a fragrance.
I remember the night we met. It almost seems so long ago with so many things happening between us and yet it was only a year and a half.

June 5, 2011.  It was close to midnight, I guess. You changed my life then. I was so low and so broken. I wanted to feel something from the emptiness inside me and you came along, with that big smile, that twinkle in your eyes, that confidence daring the world to take you apart.

I was not impressed but I was broken enough not to care because simply, I wanted someone to touch me and keep me warm. You took the chance and told me you loved me then and there. I thought you were full of yourself but I let you be you and let you touch me.

We spent the day after together. I still remember Chowking and what I ordered. And when you left me in the morning after, I felt just a little less broken.

Little by little, I was mended and was stronger and one day, a month after, I actually believed you when you said you loved me and fused my life with yours.

How different today feels from that day.

Thank you for the warmth. Thank you for the hugs and the kisses and the patience, the understanding. Thank you for the smiles. Thank you for the security. Thank you for making me see I'm worth more than the mess I made of myself and thank you so much for loving me.

I love you so much.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

On being a husband and father

As a husband, I generally am content with JR, and there's a lot of points in our relationship that I can honestly say I'm happy. Maybe it's because I had a real jerk for an ex, that I can appreciate just how sweet, understanding and caring my husband is.
With the onset of having a child, however, I'm being my contrary self and finding him just a little uncaring to my child, at least compared to how I am. Point in fact, I can't bare to hear my baby cry. Maybe it's because he's a father and I'm a mother or am I wrong? So hard to second-guess anything right now. But really, I'm kind of hurt.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Giving birth and dealing with rashes

Time flies by when you're having fun or breastfeeding.

Giving birth wasn't easy. It's not something that you'll say isn't that bad at all. As far as I'm concerned, it hurt like hell and I was already drugged then. It kept hurting and hurting until you just can't take the pain anymore and you actually beg for more pain just so it'll end but you keep on thinking that nothing is working and though the pain is so consistently bad, there was no popping feeling at all. Or maybe because the popping happened during the super-drugged time already and everything fast-forwarded.

Thank goodness my baby is really cute. I'm not saying I'll love my baby any less if he isn't. I'm just hoping I won't be one of those parents who dote on their uncute children and keep on bragging about them and everyone wonders what the they're talking about. My baby is cute and there is absolutely no denying that fact. Yes, he can get pretty red and splotchy but once he calms down, he's just really really good-looking.

Nursing wasn't hard for me. Yes, the nipples got sore but with my pain tolerance, it was nothing at all. What was hard and embarrassing as well was that I had just too much breastmilk that it flowed out of me like I was going to feed 10 kids at once. And considering we were in a ward, everyone saw!!! Or at least lots and lots and lots of people saw. Grrr!!! And now I have a plugged duct, and I don't have a breast pump, not even a manual. What to do?

I know you're supposed to expect rashes on babies simply because they're so sensitive to everything. This was the reason I got my baby 3 types of organic baby balms, non-alcoholic products and non-sulfate, ptalate and whatchamacallit bath products, cloth diapers and mild laundry soap. This could have worked if I was the only one to handle baby but unfortunately, I didn't even launder the cloth diapers myself. This resulted in inflamed diaper rash that actually needed oral antibiotic. This made me want to cry. Antibiotic for my baby who isn't even a month old? How unfair!

I still can't get any sleep due to the fact that when baby sleeps outside the room in his playpen, I keep one eye open for his cries. When baby sleeps inside the room, all three of us can barely fit on the bed that it's so much easier just staying awake.

Ideally, baby should nurse for at least 15 minutes and then stay upright for another 15 minutes. With his tendency to cough a whole lot, he tends to throw up as well. So as to prevent this, I keep with the 15-minute rule. This of course should only take up 30 minutes every 3 hours or so. Baby Ren does not like to follow rules. He nurses for about 5 minutes, lets me keep him upright for 15 then nurses again. This sometimes goes for 2 hours. My back hurts!!!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Birthday past

The get-together has finally passed on the 24th. It was a hectic day considering that I slept at about 6 am but there was a knock on the door at about 8 am for the drippy shower. I really wish they thought of doing that some other day or have told us that they were at least coming. Being so unprepared and tired really made me cranky.
Jer came pretty much on time so I was really sleepy. He fixed a bit of the computer lag and we were able to pass the time with that and my half-dead murmurings. Mando came at about 6 pm, blaming me about his sleepiness but then he did go on leave just to attend so that was pretty sweet of him. Jaja came at about the time it was raining buckets and they were stranded for awhile at the corner store. They finally braved the rain. I should remember to ask for the short pants once I'm able to wear it again. She brought me a really good blouse. I really like it.
JR woke about 8 pm when I started acting up considering how he was passed out all throughout my birthday celebration. He woke up and made spaghetti. He's gotten the hang of the recipe.
We were playing games at about that time and he joined in the charades. The mermaid rendition was pretty funny. I wish I had a camera.
The next day, I got a bag from JR. It fits me.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Secret Wish

My dirty little secret is that I want to get married, in church, Catholic, in a beautiful white gown and my closest friends in attendance. Now I'll never have any of that, except of course, probably for my best friends attending. Hopefully next month. What if the baby pops out before then?
But to the point, I won't get a Catholic wedding because I don't have a Catholic groom. Not that I'm complaining about his faith, mind you. We both pray and believe in God and all that. We've agreed to disagree about the religion thing and aren't pushing it. And I won't be getting that beautiful white gown because I'm hugely pregnant and would look like a big white ship in it and we really won't be able to afford something like that.
But that's my secret and I won't tell.
I wonder whether getting something else I do want and can afford would land me in a heap of trouble. Maybe it's the Shopaholic books making me want to buy something or my birthday coming up and my feeling of not having bought a thing for myself for months. Or just my tendency to over-obsess over myself.
Nevertheless, the following are what I want:
That little leather bag with all the compartments in Rustan's. It's teenier than my wallet but it has all the right compartments for a cellphone, cards and on-the-go stuff. I'm thinking of changing my wallet to it, actually. So then I won't have to hand over my cards to JR all the time we go out. It's all a good point and it's leather!!!
The Barbie black suede pumps were really really cute on my feet earlier today. Black suede makes me look really really good. It must be the ghost-like skin. Hehe! Undoubtedly, I won't have a chance of wearing them these days but I really will be losing the bump after 3 months. Why wait when it's 20 off. But I will... A few months of waiting will do me good.
I do believe that it's a good time to invest in boots as the rainy season is coming. I'll check out the prices and if it's good, why the hell not, right?
At half off, I think that The Body Shop palette is good and since I've been thinking of using the colors I found in it, it's a good buy.
The leather jacket from Promod, makes me love it. It's so soft. It's so warm and it's so me. Yes, I can't fit in it but I think it's just such a good buy that I can't forget it. It was on sale too.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Falling in love and staying in love...

I'm almost 7 months pregnant now. Not yet but almost. It's a little weird but it's also fun.
When I said yes to JR last July, I didn't really expect our relationship to last. We didn't have a lot of things in common and we still don't have a whole lot. I love pizza and pasta with just oil in it is delicious for me but he likes spaghetti only and hates cheese. Should I really trust anyone who dislikes cheese? All joking aside, it's hard to imagine the two of us having much of a relationship after about 6 months.
When people ask why we're together, I always say it's his persistence. And it's the truth, if one really thinks about it. I'm not the type of person who would fall into a relationship after a month of knowing a guy, especially considering how he's 6 years younger than me, all too convinced that he's a gift to all womankind and yet I did. He kept repeating over and over that I was in love with him. I wasn't. Not really. I was in lust and he made me laugh but that wasn't much. Maybe it was the fear of being alone at night.
I wish I can say my past doesn't haunt me, but it does. It's there at the back of my mind. Things I wish that have been said. But I won't ever go back to that past. I refuse to do so. Ghosts might haunt you but they can only hurt you if you believe in them hard enough.
JR asked me in the first months if I still loved my ex. He hasn't asked me since. I could say no quite easily if I'm allowed to lie but I'm not really sure. I promised to love forever then. It's so hard to make a promise like that and then break it. Perhaps it's a gift that I would never really know for sure. Dan is too much of a coward to ever face me again. Somehow, I know that to be true. One thing I'm very much sure, though. I may or may not love my ex but we will never ever be together again.
When did I know I love JR? I'm not sure. When I look into his sleeping face, it makes me glad that I'm with him in spite of the sweltering heat. I'm happy to hold his hand while walking and feeling his arms around me makes me feel safe from the world. I feel his love and I feel in love. I don't know when I started caring for him more but I do.
I'm afraid though that I might get hurt again. It's stupid to be this afraid considering the state of our relationship now. We're happy together and we're content about it. This happiness, though, makes me afraid of how we'll be able to handle sadness, anger, hurt and recriminations. I don't know because as much as I've grown up, I'm not that grown up yet. I don't want to, really.
Whatever the future brings, I hope that it brings equal joy and sadness and where I lack, he fulfills. Where he lacks, I bring strength of my own. May the fates be kind and our will to fight strong.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Almost 27

It's been some time since I've posted anything. I got over being depressed and then clamped up because I got pregnant and I wasn't sure how to post about it. I'm going to be a mother at 27 which is weird but thankfully, all results are positive. I hope the baby's a boy. It would be nice to have a girl but I really want a boy as the eldest. Easier to handle things that way.
JR is cute as always, very very sweet, if always so self-motivated. Ok, weird word to use. But he's as sweet as ever, in spite of my ever-growing belly.
It's my birthday next week. I feel a little sad over the fact that I've gotten to this age without doing some of the stuff I thought I'd be doing but I don't mind a whole lot.
I want to give myself something for my birthday. I'm selfish that way. I've thought things over and over and went window shopping yesterday around Cubao. I do so want a new laptop and phone and cam and stuff but I have a feeling JR will go have a hypertension or something if I drop money just like that. It's unfair in a way to him though in all fairness, it's not.
I'm loving the black wedge open-toed heels I saw at Mango yesterday. It made my legs so pretty and slim. I know I won't be buying it, though. It's just not in me to spend that much money on shoes.
The brown leather jacket that actually won't fit me for a while from Promod was to die for. It was so soft and comfy and it was on sale. Why why why!!! What fairness made that happen? I was thinking of buying it for JR but really, I wanted it for myself and he told me yesterday not to buy him any more jackets. That being that.
Speaking of sales, there was this darling pallet in the Body Shop that was half-off. I'm so getting one. The colors were silvery pink but thank goodness I actually have the coloring for such.
At Rustan's was the most darling little slingbag that is supposed to contain only your necessities. I'm so getting tired of making JR bring everything and/or bringing everything by hand. That bag was so made for me with the pockets for cards and just small enough to fit into my bag, really. Well... I'll still think it over. After all, I'm not too sure of the whole design. It was just that it seemed so bloody convenient.
With JR's birthday coming soon, the wedding and the anniversary, it's confusing as all hell what to get him. The watch from Timex is good, though. I'll recheck other shops first though. One never knows where one might find a sale in a month.
Ahhh sleepy...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Thank you for always hugging me and making me feel surrounded by your warmth.