Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Grrr!!!

I'm busy!!! I'm really busy!!! But why the hell is his phone still turned off up till now? What the hell?

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Friday, November 13, 2009

...

I won't marry Dan. I have my pride. Although I wonder just how many times I've turned away from that same pride for him? How many times have I been rejected time and time again? How many times will I have to cry? Am I really myself when I'm with him or am I simply trying to please him?
I have my reasons. Unfortunately, loving him isn't enough to get what I want anymore.

Friday, October 23, 2009

...

Aren't we lucky, bear, to have a love like this? To find a love like this? Even if it sometimes hurt, it still feels good to be alive, to feel alive. Though sometimes life makes me feel like I'm drifting on a crazily wounding river, it's like something to hold on to.
Aren't we lucky? It's so scary, though, to have a love like this. To feel this vulnerable. To be this human. To feel like I'm bleeding sometimes, without any cuts and wounds. But it also feels whole. I feel whole whenever I'm with you, as long it's with you.
Aren't we lucky, bear, to find each other? Even though we're hurting each other sometimes. I mind but I don't. Or maybe not. It's not a game, truly. I don't ever want to hurt you or get hurt myself. I never really understood it, though, starting from the first time I ever cried, why I hurt this much without reason. I just do. But truly, only you can make me this happy. Even just one moment, it makes me feel grateful, to feel this way, to be allowed to feel this way.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Where are You Now

To my favorite teacher
Who told me never give up
To my 5th grade crush
Who I thought I really loved
To the guys I missed
And the girls we kissed
Where are you now?

To my ex-best friends
Don´t know how we grew apart
To my favorite band
And sing-alongs in my car
To the face I see
In my memories
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
Cause I´m thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn´t for you
I would never be who I am

To my first girlfriend
I thought for sure was the one
To my last girlfriend
Sorry that I screwed it up
To the ones I loved
But didn't show it enough
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how,
how to live like I do
If it wasnt for you
I would never be who I am.

And I'll never see those days again
And things will never be that way again
But thats just how it goes,
People change,
But I know
I wont forget you

- guitar solo -

To the ones who cared
And who were there from the start
To the love that left
and took a piece of my heart
To the few who´d swear
I´d never go anywhere
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
Cause I´m thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn´t for you
I would never be who I am

If it wasn´t for you
I would never be who I am
If it wasn´t for you
I´d be nothing
Where are you now?

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...

Dear Bear,

Kumusta? Wala kang pasok today, ano? Wala akong masyadong gagawin today except for a whole lot of paperwork. I hate paperwork pero kailangan siyang gawin...

Do you know that there are quadcore laptops available na these days? The laptops sure seem fast now. My poor wee laptop. Oh well... Maybe I'll win the Toshiba laptops they're raffling off in Araneta. I sure do hope I win one. It would be a total blast to get the uber light pink one. Hehe!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intel_Core_i7

Toshiba now has the fuel cell for mobiles. Too cool. Technology is way too fast these days, really.

http://www.thefonecast.com/News/tabid/85/EntryId/1980/Toshiba-launches-commercial-fuel-cell-for-mobile-phones.aspx

I was listening to the radio this morning and I really like the song by Honor Society, "Where are You Now".

I miss you.

-me

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Blood only tastes good when it's fresh

I can't think straight. I need sleep. I really need some sleep. Life is harsh. I hope that things will become easier at least tomorrow.

I miss Dan. I ant hm by my side now.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Laments...

It's a little lonely being here right now and the life I willingly let myself live. However, some days, I simply try to look forward to another tomorrow, even if I don't sleep through the night.

I wish I was better. I wish I was more... I wish I can be perfect though I truly hate the illusion of perfection. I hate it hate it hate it.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Hush don't cry...

Hush

I found the Philippines Hush Puppies site. Yay!!!

As mentioned before, Hush Puppies are my choice for footwear. However, I only own one pair. Yes, one pair only. How sad. The said pair are the best pair of shoes I have ever bought in my young life, hands down.

It's a pair of flats and I got it on a 50% sale. If only I have a pair of heels but thankfully, the office does not particularly care what kind of shoes one is wearing...

Personally, I really want a pair of Fascinate. I tend to like boots especially with this rainy weather and leather ones are best as they do last quite a long time. Time will tell if I'll ever be able to acquire these but as of now, I'm eyeing them...

Xpress...

In terms of death, all my cellphones are now dead and will not be coming back to life. And thus, I will be needing new ones... So in the quest for phones, I have decided, it's 5630... Nokia 5630 XpressMusic.
I've thought about this for some time. Initially, I wanted a 5800 when I saw it with VM when I saw him with the other Accenture peeps last time. But then, thinking it over long and hard, I realized that though I was in envy over his having that touchphone, and yes, touchphones are so so kewl, I actually don't want a touchphone for myself. Not yet anyway. With the technology so new, it's not the best time to want it.
So since I now have dead phones, I've enumerated in my mind what I want in a phone... Big space for saving. Good camera features. Symbian 60 because S60 phones are really fast. Wifi. HSDPA. MP3.
So going through all the available ones in the market and with my experience with the 6120, I found the 5630. The 5800 is nice but with the price, 5630 is the best choice after all. Yatta!!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Waiting sucks

He didn't do it, did he? He said he'd do it but he didn't. Damn! I hate this part right now. When the stupid tears make your nose clog up and there's a bitter bitter taste on your mouth. I hate this part right now, when you're holding it in but it just goes out of you... I hate this part.

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My favorite outfit

Dark blue Kamiseta shirt
Blue Colours jeans
Planet flip flop slippers

Shoes... The black thing with the ribbons

It was so cute!!! The Lili!!! Really cute!!! I want it!!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Shoes... Hush Puppies...

Yes... Hush Puppies!!! Oh how wonderful they are...

I want shoes and for shoes, I'd like to have some Hush Puppies. They're just too bloody comfortable that whenever I try them on, my feet literally sings hymns but no... I have yet to buy any...

Boots...

Booties...

Flats...

Dress Heels...

I want them!!! All of them!!!

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Monday, September 14, 2009

Shoes...

Right now, I want shoes... Lots of them... Well... A few of them and all of them are important and there is a reason why I want them...

I want red strappy stilletoe sandals... Because I need something I can use for the fun fun times... Well... Unfortunately, I do not have fun fun times but it would probably look good in a whole lot of different outfits...

I want white strapless slip-ons. Basically, I need Friday shoes, ok? Fridays are casual days and yet I still wear the black closed-toed shoes on Fridays...

I want mocassins... Soft mocassins that would be comfortable to curl up on a long bus ride or walk in. Ahhh... I'm wanting those Skechers... They're so soft on the foot...

...

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Friday, September 11, 2009

I hate crying

I don't want to cry.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I will not wait forever...

I will not cry tonight, no matter how much the tears threaten to fall. I will not because it's not worth it to cry.

Where the hell is he?

Well... I've emailed him with the various email accounts I have... I wonder if he received any one of them... Where is he? Did he go somewhere?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The zodiac

I am a wood rat and Dan is a water dog...

In the birth and nurturing cycle, water spawns wood. Wood needs moisture to thrive.

Gyoza...

I'm sleepy but nobody cares, ne? Ahhh!!!

...

In fairness to it all, if Dan has been reading my blog and still loves me despite it all, I've gotta say, that's one true love, because I've been decidedly stupid lately...

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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I wonder...

I believe that a person will have good fortune as long as everyone else blesses that person. But if one person with a bigger will than everyone else feels ill will for that person, then that person will fail.
I have a lot of faith and my will is strong but what if someone else with an even greater will opposes me? Will I fail?
I don't want to fail and I want to believe in myself.
Please please please let everything be alright.

Guilty

Yeah...Yoh baby, I feel so guilty

Come on sing it boy...

with unexpectedly exchanged words
the gaps in my heart were filled
saying "let's meet again next time"
our gears are scrambling into chaos

a mistake that's already begun
it's the unbreakable truth
even though my heart knows this, my body keeps going back for more

I love you...words that aren't a lie, this magic
sweet and gentle until it becomes suffocating, becomes painful
I want to capture it...this desire filling inside me, this swaying love
no matter many crimes, if I am prepared to carry them, will I be forgiven?

What? What?
the depth of our crimes is growing worse, irritating
but it deepens the shape of our love
But Baby I miss you & I just want you
these unbearable feelings are being tightly controlled
your calls still remain in my phone records
your name too, remains there undeleted
this rotation, the fading tension
a tragic love song on & on & on

as we get just a little closer
no matter who sees we'll still be happy
only at this station do we separate our arms
we've become used to this kind of rule

the places where the two of us meet
and the limited time we have together
if even those are sometimes taken away from us too

hold me...instead of on our next promise, do it right now
having someone decide when we should meet, it's unbearable
over and again...the endless suffering, these memories
it's conflicting...the one thing that heals this pain is your embrace

baby just hold me tight

I love you...words that aren't a lie, this magic
sweet and gentle until it becomes suffocating, becomes painful

hold me...instead of on our next promise, do it right now
having someone decide when we should meet, it's unbearable
over and again...the endless suffering, these memories
it's conflicting...the one thing that heals this pain is your embrace

nobody can't stop this..."guilty"

Monday, September 7, 2009

I am not heartless

I'm not. I am completely selfish but I am not heartless.

I do the things I want to. I avoid the ones I don't. It's a life worth living, I think, to do that.

I have my regrets. A whole load of them. Some things cannot be changed, though. So why linger on the regret when there is so much more of life to lead? One can linger or one can learn. Or if there are things wrong that are repeated day in and out, a certain point comes when one learns that the universe will not always accept it.

I have a question about my life. on that fateful night, when I read that stupid chat message, what would have happened to my life now if I did not bother to reply?

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sweat and blood

I'm tired. I really am. It may be because no matter how young I act, I'm really growing older. I experience something everyday and these experiences change me little by little.

And so...

I have changed and I've grown tired and I fought and I've deflected and I've taken the hurts and the fears. I don't have any energy to fight anymore. I've grown so tired. I don't know how much I really care anymore.

I hate this.

How many times have I let go? I keep wondering just how much I truly believe in those times. I can turn away and I can do it completely. I've done it once and maybe, I can do it again. Maybe. But then, I find myself inexplicibly turning back. What then is complete about it?

Part of me needs him. But how much of that me is alive? He appears and disappears on his own will. He has his own will and I have mine.

I still love him, right? That care he has. The slight annoyance. The laugh. I miss him but... Where the hell is he?

Monday, August 24, 2009

...

Sometimes, I just want to write... To put down thoughts and ideas down on paper or its digital equivalent. I really like writing, you see. When I write down something, I get to keep a thought down for as long as I don't burn it or delete it. I've learned that tearing paper will not do much good for thrasing them though. A whole lot of patience on another person's part could make teared paper whole once again.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

...

Ahhh!!! I found a white strand of hair!!! I found a white strand of hair!!! On my head!!! It was long!!! And it was from my head!!! I'm only 25!!! Boohoo!!!

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Friday, July 17, 2009

Skipping and such...

There's something about myself that I want to change. This is something I don't particularly feel I need to change because it will save the world or make me a better person or make anyone else feel better. It's something that has absolutely have no effect on the world at all but then... hell!!! Why can't I do it anymore.

What pray tell is it? It's the skip-hop thing I unconsciously do. Whatever it is, I might be wearing... Be it a shirt, or full-on suit Hell! Even if I am naked, I still unconsciously skip-hop whenever I'm excited and/or happy over something. Ahhh!!! I"m 25 years old and I still do it. I even do it in public. Why? Why? Why? Why was I such a cute kid when I was small that I conditioned myself to do such things. :p Don't laugh now.

Monday, June 8, 2009

I'm tired although I'm not. I'm a person who complains a lot but rarely does anything about it. *sigh*

I'm weird but I don't particularly mind that. It's ok with me if everyone thinks I'm weird. Well... I'd just like to be accepted in spite of my weirdness. Hmnnn... Actually, I don't mind not getting accepted as long as no one messes with me. It's when the mess gets way too out of hand that problems occur.

Ahhh... Tired. Want to sleep now.

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Friday, May 15, 2009

Sometimes I'm happy. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm just plain mad

I love him but I also hate him. I don't know. He makes me cry like crazy and yet he doesn't know. I would tell him but them, hell to everything. He's making me mad.

I hate him hate him hate him. Because I love him.

Ahhh... We talked... but then he turned into father-type lover again. I was choking by the end of it. Ahhh!!! I couldn't even tell him I love him because I already felt like yelling at him. Ahhh!!!

I know I'm being immature but he's being unkind. I waited for him to talk to me and then when we were talking, I was replying but the connection was slow and he had the temerity to say I was uninterested. Argh! Damn it all!!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Jpopasia and Masuda Takahisa

Ahhh... I kept posting in Jpopasia... It's so fun... Really it is...

But then... I'd rather post here. I can complain here a little more. Hehe! Because no one really reads my posts here.

I just want Dan to talking about money for a while. I will pay him back eventually. If only he's stop talking so much about it. Argh!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Argh!!!

Is he cheating? Is he not? Ahhh!!! What to do? What to say?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I'm having a lot of mixed emotions as the last day in Accenture comes. It's weird. Really weird.

I won't miss Accenture. That is, Accenture, the company itself. I won't. I feel betrayed in a lot of ways.

I won't miss my boss. She's human, I understand, but it's too hard trying to understand the inner workings of her brain. I'd much rather just let everything go.

Well... I'm going!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

...

I am not a toy. I am not a picture. I am not a video. I am human and I cannot take it anymore.

I am in love. I live to live for him. I live to love him. But my love doesn't reach him anymore.

I guess I am worthless after all.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I don't want him to leave me. I just love him too much.
I don't want him to leave me. I just love him too much.
I had a very crappy day and I've ended with a very crappy headache. I hate my life.

I miss Dan but then I've found out he's changed his password. Why did he change his password? Why?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I keep having weird dreams lately. Is it because I'm sleeping for more than 8 hours now? Ahhh... And after a few hours, I forget what they are about already.

I miss Dan.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Stars

会えない 時間が僕を
少し大人に変えてくれた
こうして 君と 今まだ
同じ星空眺めている

きっとあの時のすれ違い
試されてたのさ 運命に
離ればなれになって 何が大事か気づいたんだ

キラキラ光 あの星のように
もう一度愛を 輝かせたくて
もう泣かさない 泣かしたくない
君の温もり
強く 強く 感じてるよ

今君のために出来る事
僕は胸の中探してる
君といる この瞬間を
とても大事に想うから

キラキラ光 あの星のように
二人の明日 輝やせたくて
もう放さない 放したくない
君の他にはもう何もいらないから

キラキラ光 あの星のように
君の心で輝きたいから
僕は誓うよ 
このまま隣に ずっといる事
同じ星 二人で見つめて

Stars

During the period when we didn't meet
I changed more into an adult
In this way, I gaze up with you once again
Into the same starry sky Into the same starry sky

That time when we passed each other by
That surely was a test by fate
After we were separated, only then did I realize what was important to me

Just like the stars that shine brightly in the sky
I want to let our love shine once again
I won’t make you cry anymore; I don’t want to make you cry
I can feel I can feel
Your warmth, ever so strongly

Right now I’m searching within my heart
For something that I can do for you
Because right now, this moment with you
Is something that is very precious to me

Just like the stars that shine brightly in the sky
I want make our future together to shine just as brightly
I won’t let you go anymore; I don’t ever want to let you go
I don’t need anything else but you I don't need anything else but you

Just like the stars that shine brightly in the sky
I want to shine within your heart
I promise you
That I’ll stay by your side like this forever
And we'll look up together at the same stars

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Ahhh... Does he care? I'm so sleepy.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I'm overwhelmed and yet I'm not over the things that I have done. Oh well...

Dan is a little too busy and a little too uninterested today. I wonder just what all that is about. I hope he's taking care of himself.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Dan came home for a month. That was... It was fun and I laughed so much and I cried so much and we went out and we slept and we did so many many things... And yet it was a month and now I'm so sad it hurts even just to swallow...

I don't want to sleep. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything else but cry. I miss him so much that I keep thinking, once again, that dying just might be easier than this waiting...

I'm being stupid again... Yes, again... Just how many times do I do this to myself? I wallow in the pain of him leaving me, of me leaving him, of separating... and now, even to the extent that I know that it is merely temporary, I wallow in the pain of it... And twist the blunt knife. Why can't I wallow in the happiness yet savor the pain so much?

I better go to sleep. I have 2 hours before I have to wake up. Can I not wake up until he comes back? Gadz!!! That's so stupid. The problem with me is that when it comes to Dan, he becomes my everything when he is with me. He makes me so happy and alive. And when goes away, I just want to die.