Monday, August 18, 2008

Dan again...

I'm thinking about my relationship to Dan over again. Yes, him once again. Must be boring to read this blog, ne?
Ahhh!!! Never mind! I've got nothing to say right now. It's still the same thing over and over again. I better try finding a new song.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Salvame

I need to miss you
I live in the hopelessness
since you don't come back to me

I survive just for anxiety
with a knot in my stomach
and the fact is that
I can't stop thinking of you
little by little my heart is going
to lose faith... to lose voice

rescue me from the forgetfulness
rescue me from the loneliness
rescue me from the weariness
I'm done to your will
rescue me from the forgetfulness
rescue me from the dark
rescue me from the weariness
don't let me go down anymore

I want to go on but
"love" is the word
that sometimes
is hard to forget

I survive just for anxiety
with a knot in my stomach
and the fact is that
I can't stop thinking of you
little by little my heart is going
to lose faith... to lose voice

rescue me from the forgetfulness
rescue me from the loneliness
rescue me from the weariness
I'm done to your will
rescue me from the forgetfulness
rescue me from the dark
rescue me from the weariness
don't let me go down anymore (x3)

Rescue Me

Extra├▒arte es mi necesidad
Vivo en la desesperanza
Desde que tu ya no vuelves mas

Sobrevivo por pura ansiedad
Con el nudo en la garganta
Y es que no te dejo de pensar
Poco a poco el corazon
Va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz

Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad
Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad
Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad
Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas

Me propongo tanto continuar
Pero amor es la palabra
Que me cuesta a veces olvidar

Sobrevivo por pura ansiedad......con el nudo en la garganta
Y es que no te dejo de pensar
Poco a poco el corazon
Va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz

Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad
Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad
Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad
Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas

Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad
Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad
Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad
Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas

Salvame del olvido........
Salvame del hastio......
Salvame del olvido....... Extra├▒arte es mi necesidad
Vivo en la desesperanza
Desde que tu ya no vuelves mas

Sobrevivo por pura ansiedad
Con el nudo en la garganta
Y es que no te dejo de pensar
Poco a poco el corazon
Va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz

Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad
Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad
Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad
Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas

Me propongo tanto continuar
Pero amor es la palabra
Que me cuesta a veces olvidar

Sobrevivo por pura ansiedad......con el nudo en la garganta
Y es que no te dejo de pensar
Poco a poco el corazon
Va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz

Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad
Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad
Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad
Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas

Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad
Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad
Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad
Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas

Salvame del olvido........
Salvame del hastio......
Salvame del olvido.......

I'm angry and sad at the same time

I want to say that I forgive him but I'm not sure if he's sorry that we're fighting or he's sorry because he's giving up. Maybe I should let it . But then, where am I right now? If he was here, I might let it go, I think, because eventually I'll feel his hunger for me in his kiss. I would believe that tomorrow would be better than today. However, in this state of mind that I'm in now, I am... disdainful of his emotional distance. I am disappointed in his avarice for money. I am... sad at being alone. I am... hoping he'd tell me that he loves me, truly, and making me believe it. I am... hoping that I'm not disappointing him. I am... trying my best and knowing that I'm failing. I am... so alone. Hoping against hope that he would tell me he's there without throwing it in my face. I'm so bruised deep inside. But then... Why? My head aches. My heart aches. My body aches. I am empty. I am nothing. Am I going to ever be able to find worth in myself or am I going to be left with nothing once again? My emotions are frail but I am feeling. However, would it be better to feel nothing instead?

Thursday, August 7, 2008

On how I feel right now

I'm so sleepy but I don't really think I'll be sleeping early. There's no hope for that. I want to but I know I'm a little disturbed. No, that's not true. I'm a lot more disturbed than that.
Hmmm... I'm thinking about a lot of things. Like the fact that I don't think I'll have a lot of money next month. It's ok. It's only money. But then, it'll be a problem when we have to pay a lot of money to the hospital when Tatay is discharged. Life can be harsh to some people. Sometimes, I wonder about the path I have taken. But then, it's a path I've chosen. No going back in time available for me. There's only today and tomorrow. I don't regret choosing to be their daughter. What I regret is being too uncaring about the past few years. Perhaps if... Perhaps not...
I'm working hard not to have any problems. But then, it's not like problems can truly be avoided. However, in my life, I know that some things, I truly deserve.
I wish I can win the lottery. I hope it works the same way as wishing for the perfect guy. Well... somehow, I'm regretting a little bit but some part of me knows I've already bonded my soul with his. But then, he just sucks right now. But then, I suck as well... I don't know how to handle it right now so I'm trying to handle things with kid gloves. No calling. No texting. No emailing unless it's an email back. Nothing from me that will entail him giving me a long lecture on responsibility.
So as for winning the lottery.... Here's the plan. I wanna win the lottery. Depending on which set of numbers win, I'll split half with either Nanay and Tatay or Dan. If Dan's and my numbers win, he gets half, no questions asked. I'll then split my share to half with Nanay and Tatay getting half. If Nanay and Tatay's and my numbers win, I'll split half with them. Then I'll split my half with Dan. Basically, that's my plan. Then of course, immediately, give 10% to charity so no thought about it is needed anymore.
Ahhh! So sleepy.
And then of course, there's the shopping spree in Singapore. I plan on buying every little device I've taken a hankering to have. Depending on how much I win, I'll either buy one of the condo units being sold here in Cubao that's not yet complete but I'll still still buy one for investment purposes. I should probably put half of everything in a trust fund so I won't think of it. I'll put a quarter in time deposit. And I'll still work for a while.
My mind doesn't work right now. I wish Dan would call just because he wants to hear my voice. I want to hear his voice that whispers in every word that he loves me and misses me. I don't need him to say the exact words. I just need to hear it in his voice right now. I need to love him so much right now.

Crying bouts, nostalgia and whether or not it makes a difference

I cried a lot last night. I fell asleep exhausted, thinking over a lot of things. I thought I wouldn't cry lately but then, what else can one do when one is prevented from doing anything else. How life can seem so cold lately.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Does he still love me?

I'd rather he hate me, if his hate lasts forever, then that means that I'm in his heart forever. If he doesn't care anymore, however, I'd rather just die or disappear forever without a trace. Because if he doesn't feel anything anymore, then my existence in his life is meaningless, and my existence in this life is meaningless. I'd rather not care, but then again, I do.

He says he hates me...

He says that sometimes, he hates me. I wonder just how deep that hate is. I wonder how long that hate has grown already. I wonder whether he hates me more than he loves me.
I don't want to be hated by the one that I love. But then if he doesn't love me, then what do I do? I don't know what to do about our situation. I'm trying so hard but then, I think, I may not be loved anymore.

...

He hasn't emailed me yet. It's been two days but then, sometimes, even one day seems so long already. I don't really mind. I've decided to put a little manacle on myself. No calls. No texts. No emails. No nothing. Not that I don't want to. Although there is a part of me that doesn't feel the overdriving need I used to have. It's just that... There's nothing...

I want to know if he still loves me. I want to know if I still love him. But then, my questions won't be answered in two days. My mind is a mess. I can see it in my apartment. I don't feel at peace and I don't feel like caring right now. But then, I want to know.

I hope I still love him, weird as it sounds. Though it would most probably hurt me. I still want to. But then, I don't want to call him. He'll tell me I'm overspending. I don't want to text him. He'll tell me the same thing. I don't want to email him. He won't reply anyway. And also, I don't want to show up online later tonight. Aside from telling me I'm overspending, he's going to want sex. I want him to want me for more than my body.

I want him to love me. I need someone to love me right now. I need someone to love right now.

But then, I'm not crying. Am I better off not feeling anything right now?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Good night to the people who reads this...

Monday, August 4, 2008

Dan and I

I wonder if it's worth it? Oh well... I'm thinking not but then, I may be wrong. But then, if I really don't, then why do I hang out? It's too easy to forget. But sometimes, it's so hard to remember that you've forgotten. "Mahirap maalaalang lumimot."

Sunday, August 3, 2008

I should be sorry...

I know Dan sucks at this long-distance relationship thing but I seem to suck at explaining my feelings to him so that in the end, I'm just contributing to the failure of the relationship. I'll try to do better in the coming days and months ahead. If I fail, I should at least try.

-me

Friday, August 1, 2008

On why I'm being selfish right now...

Dan is a good person. I truly believe that. And if we spent our days without any change from way back when, then maybe, just maybe, we would stay the same. I guess it's because there seems to be some kind of understanding between the two of us, that the other person loves the other because... Ok, I think I loved him the first time because he reminded me of myself a lot.

Who knows... I was living in a glass case in those times and it was a case that only the two of us could shatter. I know I'm not perfect and I know he's not perfect, but we were perfectly content, I thought, to be in that imperfect relationship. Yes, I know, it is an imperfect relationship. Even up to now, our relationship is so imperfect that it's breaking apart. So ok, I'm at fault for why our relationship is the way it is. My emotions are seesawing every which way that I'm feeling sad and lonely and angry at the least little provocation. If he were to be doing something like this, I'd probably ignore him, basically, because that's the kind of upbringing I've had. Ignore the anger and the day afterward, my mother forgives me for whatever transgression I've done. It's how my life has evolved through the years. It's taken me some time to learn to say I'm sorry because it's never been something that I had to say.

I digress. Well... anyway... it's my fault. I told him I forgive him, yes, and partially, I do. But then, I can't seem to do it completely yet. It's this feeling I have.... That he's still not able to show me whether he truly appreciates me or not. Not really. Not really. Not really.

There's a wildness in his voice when he calls me when he feels that I'm going to turn around and walk away from him. I don't trust that voice though. Ahhh!!! I'm so bad!!! This is the reason why I'm angry, I guess. Ok, it's good to write things down to get a perspective that is usually not there because I always let my emotions run riot over me. At least with writing, I can give thought to my feelings other than simply reacting. So why I don't trust that voice and hate it even? It's the voice I heard when he first put a knife through my heart. I can still hear that hated voice after all these years... Three years have passed, right? Specific words, I cannot say, I just know that it hurts even up till now. Ahhh! That hated hated voice telling me how unneeded I truly am in his life. That voice that tells me he needs me now. That voice that kills me, because in the end, that voice wasn't true. Ohhh!!! Why don't I trust him anymore? Because of that moment. That terrible terrible moment. My fault! My fault!!! My fault!!! I should forget it. I should forgive him and trust him, yes? If I truly trust him, I will not get hurt. Why am I feeling like this? Don't I feel that he loves me still?

He loves me, right? Can't I trust that? Why can't I trust that? Going round and round in circles. Ahhh!!! I can't seem to get it.

Will I trust him if he calls me? Not really. Sometimes, I'm not sure if he calls me because he wants to hear my voice? Sometimes, he calls because there's something he needs. Or sometimes he calls because there's something I need. Or sometimes, it's sex. I feel so low sometimes. Because I want to hear that same desperation I feel in his voice to call me because he just misses me. When did he call me just because? I don't know. He called last time because he needed assurance that I was ok. That's because he cared, right? Yeah, I should drill that to my head. He cares for me. And then there was that call last time because I was feeling so worried. So he called because he cares, right? He doesn't call that often because he's trying to save money, right? But then...

He says that he doesn't write that much then because he didn't have any access to the internet. Now he has access day and night. But it still doesn't change. He still doesn't write as much. He goes online to watch something, anime or whatnot and then makes me feel that the time I ask him to talk to me, is time that I'm taking away from him. I guess I bore him now. I guess I'm not worth a little time for him. It hurts me. It hurts me a lot. And then he says, I should save money. Truthfully, it's a vicious cycle for me, because when I feel ignored like this, then I try to get his attention. I do it and then I feel let down because in the end, I still feel ignored, and then I get angry, so so angry, that I want to lash at him. And I try so hard to make him understand, but he doesn't do so. He still continues on. And he tells me that I don't appreciate him, that I forget all the good things because of how I feel. Te truth is, I've been trying to but everyday, feeling like this makes me feel so low. Everyday. Everyday. Everyday. And to take it everyday? It's like constant torture. It's truly torture.

How does he make me feel this way? Easily. So easily. I keep thinking, does he have time for me? Does he have time to truly just write something, because I would think that it's interesting to hear something like that for me, but... no... But then, I thought that maybe he's just different now. Different from the guy I met in college who could and would send me messages everyday. I thought, maybe... But then, I learned that he's still that guy. Just not with me. Why? Why can't he be like that with me? Why with other people? And he asks why I'm jealous?

I try, don't I? Don't I just try? Am I not worth the effort anymore?

He says that he feels alone and imprisoned where he is, but then, he doesn't share it. He just says that he does. I keep asking, what do you do? Where do you go? What does everyone look like? What is it like? And when I ask, he says that there's nothing to say. What am I supposed to do?

Ever since he went away, I lived for the day when he comes back. My driving need was to stay as close to him in my thoughts. I wanted to love him forever. I wanted to see him once again. I wonder if I truly will?

There's a part of that thinks that I want to die just because I want him to regret leaving me behind like that. A part of me that says it's worth it to die because then he'll think of me as that girl he loves. I think it's a very selfish thought of mine but it's still integral in my mind whenever I feel lost to him. I don't really mind dying. I don't think I'm a bad person and if I did do something truly truly evil, then I should deserve hell.

I've thought about letting go so many times that I feel so unfair about feeling this way. But then, I feel like I'm holding on to nothing.

I can't seem to breathe right now.

I want him to love me. I want him to need me. I want him with me. I want him. Ah! But then he says I don't understand him anymore. I wonder... Is it my fault? Is it? Is it? Is it? I can't seem to find a reason why not understanding him would be my fault. There's only so much I can take.

I'm sorry if you're reading this. But then, should I be sorry for saying the truths in my heart. Why can't you understand me anymore?

I may not be that good a person but I'm not so bad that I deserve to cry every night, right? If you don't want me to cry anymore, then stop making me cry.