Friday, August 1, 2008

On why I'm being selfish right now...

Dan is a good person. I truly believe that. And if we spent our days without any change from way back when, then maybe, just maybe, we would stay the same. I guess it's because there seems to be some kind of understanding between the two of us, that the other person loves the other because... Ok, I think I loved him the first time because he reminded me of myself a lot.

Who knows... I was living in a glass case in those times and it was a case that only the two of us could shatter. I know I'm not perfect and I know he's not perfect, but we were perfectly content, I thought, to be in that imperfect relationship. Yes, I know, it is an imperfect relationship. Even up to now, our relationship is so imperfect that it's breaking apart. So ok, I'm at fault for why our relationship is the way it is. My emotions are seesawing every which way that I'm feeling sad and lonely and angry at the least little provocation. If he were to be doing something like this, I'd probably ignore him, basically, because that's the kind of upbringing I've had. Ignore the anger and the day afterward, my mother forgives me for whatever transgression I've done. It's how my life has evolved through the years. It's taken me some time to learn to say I'm sorry because it's never been something that I had to say.

I digress. Well... anyway... it's my fault. I told him I forgive him, yes, and partially, I do. But then, I can't seem to do it completely yet. It's this feeling I have.... That he's still not able to show me whether he truly appreciates me or not. Not really. Not really. Not really.

There's a wildness in his voice when he calls me when he feels that I'm going to turn around and walk away from him. I don't trust that voice though. Ahhh!!! I'm so bad!!! This is the reason why I'm angry, I guess. Ok, it's good to write things down to get a perspective that is usually not there because I always let my emotions run riot over me. At least with writing, I can give thought to my feelings other than simply reacting. So why I don't trust that voice and hate it even? It's the voice I heard when he first put a knife through my heart. I can still hear that hated voice after all these years... Three years have passed, right? Specific words, I cannot say, I just know that it hurts even up till now. Ahhh! That hated hated voice telling me how unneeded I truly am in his life. That voice that tells me he needs me now. That voice that kills me, because in the end, that voice wasn't true. Ohhh!!! Why don't I trust him anymore? Because of that moment. That terrible terrible moment. My fault! My fault!!! My fault!!! I should forget it. I should forgive him and trust him, yes? If I truly trust him, I will not get hurt. Why am I feeling like this? Don't I feel that he loves me still?

He loves me, right? Can't I trust that? Why can't I trust that? Going round and round in circles. Ahhh!!! I can't seem to get it.

Will I trust him if he calls me? Not really. Sometimes, I'm not sure if he calls me because he wants to hear my voice? Sometimes, he calls because there's something he needs. Or sometimes he calls because there's something I need. Or sometimes, it's sex. I feel so low sometimes. Because I want to hear that same desperation I feel in his voice to call me because he just misses me. When did he call me just because? I don't know. He called last time because he needed assurance that I was ok. That's because he cared, right? Yeah, I should drill that to my head. He cares for me. And then there was that call last time because I was feeling so worried. So he called because he cares, right? He doesn't call that often because he's trying to save money, right? But then...

He says that he doesn't write that much then because he didn't have any access to the internet. Now he has access day and night. But it still doesn't change. He still doesn't write as much. He goes online to watch something, anime or whatnot and then makes me feel that the time I ask him to talk to me, is time that I'm taking away from him. I guess I bore him now. I guess I'm not worth a little time for him. It hurts me. It hurts me a lot. And then he says, I should save money. Truthfully, it's a vicious cycle for me, because when I feel ignored like this, then I try to get his attention. I do it and then I feel let down because in the end, I still feel ignored, and then I get angry, so so angry, that I want to lash at him. And I try so hard to make him understand, but he doesn't do so. He still continues on. And he tells me that I don't appreciate him, that I forget all the good things because of how I feel. Te truth is, I've been trying to but everyday, feeling like this makes me feel so low. Everyday. Everyday. Everyday. And to take it everyday? It's like constant torture. It's truly torture.

How does he make me feel this way? Easily. So easily. I keep thinking, does he have time for me? Does he have time to truly just write something, because I would think that it's interesting to hear something like that for me, but... no... But then, I thought that maybe he's just different now. Different from the guy I met in college who could and would send me messages everyday. I thought, maybe... But then, I learned that he's still that guy. Just not with me. Why? Why can't he be like that with me? Why with other people? And he asks why I'm jealous?

I try, don't I? Don't I just try? Am I not worth the effort anymore?

He says that he feels alone and imprisoned where he is, but then, he doesn't share it. He just says that he does. I keep asking, what do you do? Where do you go? What does everyone look like? What is it like? And when I ask, he says that there's nothing to say. What am I supposed to do?

Ever since he went away, I lived for the day when he comes back. My driving need was to stay as close to him in my thoughts. I wanted to love him forever. I wanted to see him once again. I wonder if I truly will?

There's a part of that thinks that I want to die just because I want him to regret leaving me behind like that. A part of me that says it's worth it to die because then he'll think of me as that girl he loves. I think it's a very selfish thought of mine but it's still integral in my mind whenever I feel lost to him. I don't really mind dying. I don't think I'm a bad person and if I did do something truly truly evil, then I should deserve hell.

I've thought about letting go so many times that I feel so unfair about feeling this way. But then, I feel like I'm holding on to nothing.

I can't seem to breathe right now.

I want him to love me. I want him to need me. I want him with me. I want him. Ah! But then he says I don't understand him anymore. I wonder... Is it my fault? Is it? Is it? Is it? I can't seem to find a reason why not understanding him would be my fault. There's only so much I can take.

I'm sorry if you're reading this. But then, should I be sorry for saying the truths in my heart. Why can't you understand me anymore?

I may not be that good a person but I'm not so bad that I deserve to cry every night, right? If you don't want me to cry anymore, then stop making me cry.

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