Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I'm riding the heat of my anger. Later, I'm going to cry my heart out. So much waste. I can't take it. I feel hurt inside. I feel raw. I have nothing. I feel so bad. I feel so sad. I can't take it. I don't want anything anymore.

I lived my life, day to day, for him, because I believed in him and I believed in my love for him. I believed in his love for me. Now, what do I believe in?

Am I nothing now? Just another girl in a lifetime of another person. I wish I was more. I wish I was the one. I wish that I could be the one to be loved forever.

Now what am I? What is he now? I thought I was the girl for him. I hoped and prayed and actually believed that he was the one I was waiting for. I'm so stupid. I'm too stupid. I should have known. I really should have known better. But then, I kept hoping and praying. I'm so stupid.

I really don't know what path to take anymore. Just yesterday, I still believed that the path I was taking was true. But now, I see the gaping hole in the path that I cannot pass through. The hole will not be filled and I am as empty as that hole that seems to go on forever. Should I turn back and find another path? Should I just turn around? I want to stay and stare at that hole forever. I want to die in this path because it was the path that made me happy. But then, it wasn't a true path, was it? It was just my illusion. So all the happiness I had was an illusion. Nothing is true anymore.

I want to believe in him and I want to believe in me. But then, I don't believe in him anymore. I guess I don't believe in myself anymore either.

I hate this. I hate him. I hate myself.

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