Thursday, May 19, 2011

Falling in love and staying in love...

I'm almost 7 months pregnant now. Not yet but almost. It's a little weird but it's also fun.
When I said yes to JR last July, I didn't really expect our relationship to last. We didn't have a lot of things in common and we still don't have a whole lot. I love pizza and pasta with just oil in it is delicious for me but he likes spaghetti only and hates cheese. Should I really trust anyone who dislikes cheese? All joking aside, it's hard to imagine the two of us having much of a relationship after about 6 months.
When people ask why we're together, I always say it's his persistence. And it's the truth, if one really thinks about it. I'm not the type of person who would fall into a relationship after a month of knowing a guy, especially considering how he's 6 years younger than me, all too convinced that he's a gift to all womankind and yet I did. He kept repeating over and over that I was in love with him. I wasn't. Not really. I was in lust and he made me laugh but that wasn't much. Maybe it was the fear of being alone at night.
I wish I can say my past doesn't haunt me, but it does. It's there at the back of my mind. Things I wish that have been said. But I won't ever go back to that past. I refuse to do so. Ghosts might haunt you but they can only hurt you if you believe in them hard enough.
JR asked me in the first months if I still loved my ex. He hasn't asked me since. I could say no quite easily if I'm allowed to lie but I'm not really sure. I promised to love forever then. It's so hard to make a promise like that and then break it. Perhaps it's a gift that I would never really know for sure. Dan is too much of a coward to ever face me again. Somehow, I know that to be true. One thing I'm very much sure, though. I may or may not love my ex but we will never ever be together again.
When did I know I love JR? I'm not sure. When I look into his sleeping face, it makes me glad that I'm with him in spite of the sweltering heat. I'm happy to hold his hand while walking and feeling his arms around me makes me feel safe from the world. I feel his love and I feel in love. I don't know when I started caring for him more but I do.
I'm afraid though that I might get hurt again. It's stupid to be this afraid considering the state of our relationship now. We're happy together and we're content about it. This happiness, though, makes me afraid of how we'll be able to handle sadness, anger, hurt and recriminations. I don't know because as much as I've grown up, I'm not that grown up yet. I don't want to, really.
Whatever the future brings, I hope that it brings equal joy and sadness and where I lack, he fulfills. Where he lacks, I bring strength of my own. May the fates be kind and our will to fight strong.

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