Saturday, May 25, 2013

Left Behind

One of the worst things in the world is to be left behind. It's sadder than being the one walking away. This time though, I have someone else with me to keep me company through the long nights.

There are a lot of reasons why I told JR to go away. There are a lot of reasons he did. I wonder what will happen when he comes to his senses? Or will be actually realize what he did wrong? I know where I'm wrong but I know it's not wrong to insist on the things I believe in.

Before I relate what has happened to get us from loving husband and wife to silent strangers, I would like to start with saying that I love him very much and I miss him a lot. I do not want him back, but it does not change my feelings at the moment. I do not even feel the anger that raged over me for a while.

The past three weeks have been a downward spiral of the worst sort. It started before that but I simply didn't want it to happen this month of all months. Truly, any other month would have been preferable.

Last April, he did something. Whatever it was, I can't recall anymore though I remember wanting to blow quite badly. But then life got in the way and I needed to get a handle on my emotions. May rolled in and I had high hopes, really. With Mother's Day and my birthday, how could I possibly believe that the worst thing that could happen would happen?

Sex is an issue. Lack of it is an issue.

When I met JR, he was oversexed. He was nineteen. It tapered down after that but I've felt his lust even when I was pregnant. I felt it when I gave birth. But these days, I don't even get kisses anymore. Not even pecks. That leaves a lot of questions on where a 22-year old guy gets his kicks. Especially when he once told me he was too sore once. How exactly do you get sore when you've come home late directly from work?

I acknowledge that I've said a lot of bad things lately. It stems a lot from my insecurity and the feeling of a husband cheating. The last few rounds have battered my heart. I've heard the words, "Wala na akong pasensya sa'yo." In a world where I've given unending patience and forgiveness, to have that thrown back at me makes it one of the worst thing ever.

I once told my boss that I was truly at the very end of my rope. My husband going out with his friends late at night, coming back in the dead of it, or even the afternoon after, drinking, cruising, going out with his friends, and coming back to me promising me that it would not happen again breaks my spirit. I hate it. I promised myself then, one more time and it's done. One more time and it's ended. One more time and I won't take it anymore. The broken promising and the lies have taken their toll.

He did it again. And again. And again. What was I supposed to do? I shut down. I couldn't take it anymore. I ignore him. I didn't bother acknowledging his presence. And in shutting down, he blew his lid. He demanded attention. He was asking if I wanted out. He asked if I was cheating. And he made threats of my losing something.

I told him I was waiting. I wasn't sure what it was exactly I was waiting for. He could have said sorry, really. He knew he did a lot of wrong things. He knew I hurt from what he did. But he was what he was and he got angry. It was almost like a slap on the face. It was abuse of a kind.

The day after, I checked his phone and found sms to girls and even one to someone with ads on the internet. Since the last things he checked online are call girls and dubious massage parlors, it was harsh. He got a morning greeting from one of them so I went out and sent back messages. He has already met up with her once, knows where she lives and she was inviting him out for drinks.

I didn't feel angry over what I've found out though they have made me incredibly sad but I told him to go. I needed him to go. He looked at me with sharp eyes and agreed. He packed his bags and kissed baby goodbye. That was the day before my birthday.

He's gone now. He took the camera with him. And my luggage bag. My birthday has passed and it's the worst birthday of my life. We're weeding out his stuff from mine and packing them away. We really don't expect him back in any way.

I'm sad and I miss him and yes, I still love him, but I believe that this is right. It's time to move on.

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