I wonder how bad it is to admit to myself the truth. No, I’ve long admitted this to myself. I love him. And that will always be forever. Whoever comes. Whoever goes. Whether we are together or not. Whether I am happy with him or without him. Whether I am sad. Whether I am angry. Whether I breathe or I do not, love is always there. It never changes. It never goes. It could be warped. It could be forgotten. It could even be selfish at its worst, but love is there.
There are things I want that I will never have. There are things I need that I will never ever hold. I do not mind not having the things I want. I’ve never expected that of the world. But to be deprived of a need is harsh. It is torture of the greatest magnitude. It is not a life at all.
I am ok. Tonight, when I sleep, I will not be crying. Tomorrow, when I wake, I will even try to smile. But I dread the coming days. I always dread the coming days.