Drinking Milk Tea

 I miss you.

I would like to clarify that I never told you to your face that your relationship with your kids, especially Jaja, is dysfunctional. Do I think it? Yes. Would I tell Jaja? Probably. Would I ever say it to your face? Very likely not. I am non-confrontational. I prefer not ever telling you these things. I don’t ever tell you these things because it will never ever change anything for the better and will likely produce this obvious anger and resentment on your side. Be resentful all your want. It is your prerogative to do so. It’s my own prerogative to ignore you. In the end, I’m better off just ignoring you.

My sister said I looked really happy while we're together. I've never felt more loved than in any other relationship.

 I miss you so much already but that's ok.

 I hate it and I hate this but I'm sorry because I can't forgive you for having forgotten my birthday. It's partly you but it's a lot of me. I love you so much. It hurts so much.  It's important to me. It's so important that I cannot let it go. It can't feel unimportant to the person I love again. I can't. It hurts too much. So sorry but I can't.

How can you be so beautiful every single day? I love you.

I like having the time to think about you and miss you because you're so beautiful in my mind it makes me happy knowing I'm yours and you're mine.

One more day and the third month of the end of a lifetime has come... I guess I can call it a lifetime.

I sometimes can't imagine that I'm a wife and mother. On so many levels, I am still very much that selfish little girl and sometimes, more so than when I was smaller and younger. But I am, truly, a mother and a wife already and on many counts, I'm both happy and apprehensive.

I'm so in love and so happy it makes me crazy. I've never been in a relationship where I've felt so loved and so secure in myself before. It makes me afraid that it'll be gone one day because I'm not sure I know how to deal with being this happy and then not. I was not in love the first day and not even the first week but day after day, the way he made me feel happy and excited and just generally secure in myself made me fall so deep I was already in the pit before I knew it. Just looking at him now makes me happy. Just being with him makes me happy. He became such a regular part of my day that I don't exactly know what to do when he's not there. But the bright thing about it is that he's there. It's not a regular scheduled thing and it varies so much but a day has not gone by that he's not there. It's a long-distance relationship and that just sucks but I spend so much time with him just sitting there in a day I can't really complain.

You are so silly. I wish you knew what you'd become. Appreciate yourself more. You are currently at your prettiest, sexiest best physical self. Also, good alcohol tolerance. You are the best. Don't worry about everything and everyone else.

Somehow, today, I feel like crying. I feel helpless .

Sobra-sobra ngayong araw. Pagpasok ko, hinahanap kita agad. Pag dumaan ako, pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong titigan ka. Grabeng crush kita.   Bakit kasi ang tanggad mo? Bakit ang guwapo mo? Bakit pagpasok ko, andyan ka na, at pag-uwi ko, andyan ka pa? Bakit kasi minsan, napapansin ko tinititigan mo rin ako. Hibang lang ba ako?   Hindi kita kilala. Hindi ko man lang alam pangalan mo. Pero basta, crush talaga kita.

Believing in my past choices without regret and loving them—that is the right answer, and that’s how to grow old with style.”

Whichever path you choose, there are always lingering thoughts of the road not taken. That’s why there are no choices without regrets, and no one right answer to life. All you can do is believe that the road you’ve chosen is the right answer, and turn it into the right answer. The right answer to life is to believe that you don’t regret your past choices and live on.

Living is all about the choices you make moment by moment. Even if it’s just a log bridge, you must make a choice: Do you go forward? Do you turn around, or do you stop? Where I am now is the result of countless choices made in the past.

I’m watching this show right now. It’s a Korean slice of life drama set in 1994. It makes me feel so nostalgic. I don’t mind the passing years. I don’t mind the pains and regrets. It’s all there but I have a lot of happiness too. Right now I can smile and I’m happy.  

Youth must be clumsy and crude, and love must be innocent and old-fashioned.

Loving someone doesn’t always mean sharing happiness. But the choice is up to each individual.

Today I think back about UST. Did we ever go there together? I can’t remember. If we did, why did we go?   I had a good memory at that place. I also had a bad one. I just don’t remember if they were one and the same. I don’t remember if it was you or Dan.   I remember the bad memory clearly. It wasn’t you, though, of that I’m sure. But the good memory, I’m not very sure. I want to know if it was you. I want to be sure if it was you. I’m trying to store my good memories,  you see, for one day when little baby asks about you. I want to tell stories about the good times. But no lies. So was it you?