Gusto ko na talaga magpakamatay dahil sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon at di ko na makayang mag-isip ng ganito oras-oras. Kahit na sabihin ng lahat na “I’m better off.” at “Other good things will happen.”, ayoko nang maniwala. Wala na akong gusting paniwalaan sa mundo. Gusto ko lang mawala na. Ang hirap-hirap kasi. Sabi niya, “Gugustuhin mo bang magkarelasyon tayo kahit di na ako masaya?” Masama bang mawala na lang sa mundo, kahit na alam kong may umaasa pang mabuhay ako? Ayokong mag-isip ng ganito. Ayokong sabihin kahit kanino ang mga ito. Pero sa totoo, sa sobrang hirap ng nararamdaman ko, hindi ko maisip kung paano ko tatapusin ang araw na ito. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano pang nagpapaandar ng mundo ko. Alam ko lang, ang sakit na ito, lalo lang lumalala habang umiikot pa rin ang mundo.
I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in. He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right? No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah! I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helples...
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