Skip to main content

Last day

Today is the last day I will say this. Just for today. Tomorrow is the 12th and tomorrow will be the end.

 

I love you. I miss you. I hate you. I need you. I want you but I don’t.

 

You’ve hurt me so much I’m not sure I’ll ever trust anyone else to love me again. I’ve loved you so much that I’ll never love anyone else that way again. Sometimes I wish I’ve never met you but I know in my heart that part of me is thankful for having met you. A lot of me is sad. A lot of me is hurt. And a lot of me is regretful. Part of me breathes easy every day, knowing I don’t have to hope anymore, hurt anymore, need anymore.

 

I didn’t cry for a while. I didn’t cry yesterday. I didn’t cry for the past two months. I gave up on that day, but perhaps, in truth, I gave up a long time ago.

 

I miss you but I know you’re not coming back. I miss you but I know you shouldn’t come back. I love you and I’ll always love you but loving you does not mean you have to be mine. And loving you does not have to mean I should be loved back too. Perhaps some loves, no matter how great they are, just aren’t meant to be. Perhaps some loves, no matter how true, just should not be.

 

I’m going to be a different me tomorrow. I’ll be softer, more open, more adventurous, less afraid and free. I’m going to be a me that no one owns. It’s a little sad but it’s also a happy thing. I can be someone else, maybe. I’ll be me.

 

I hate you but I love you and I have to let go and fly myself.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On separation

Whenever I listen to you, it seems that even paper flowers have a fragrance. I remember the night we met. It almost seems so long ago with so many things happening between us and yet it was only a year and a half. June 5, 2011.  It was close to midnight, I guess. You changed my life then. I was so low and so broken. I wanted to feel something from the emptiness inside me and you came along, with that big smile, that twinkle in your eyes, that confidence daring the world to take you apart. I was not impressed but I was broken enough not to care because simply, I wanted someone to touch me and keep me warm. You took the chance and told me you loved me then and there. I thought you were full of yourself but I let you be you and let you touch me. We spent the day after together. I still remember Chowking and what I ordered. And when you left me in the morning after, I felt just a little less broken. Little by little, I was mended and was stronger and one day, a month after, I ...
Post a Comment
Read more

On whether I should care...

I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in. He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right? No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah! I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helples...
Post a Comment
Read more

State of Self

I have red scratches on my wrists. I know I shouldn’t do it but I do and hopefully, someday, I’ll stop doing it. I ate one piece of hopia last Saturday. I ate two spoonfuls of rice last Sunday. Last night, I ate a plateful of spaghetti. I can hardly stomach eating and it hurts to wretch in the morning because there’s really nothing there to hurl out. I’m feeling really faint and low and I think I’m going crazy with all this thinking.    
Post a Comment
Read more