I kept thinking over and over what is it that I have done wrong. Where have I given too much? Where did I err? In the end, it wasn’t really me at all, was it? It was him and his perceived failures in himself. No matter how many times I encourage him and try to tell him that only he would do, he still did not believe in himself enough and needed someone else to tell him. I really was not enough at all. Or maybe I was too much.
I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in. He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right? No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah! I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helples...
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