I used to fall asleep with someone beside me. With his hand holding mine and his breath near my cheeks. I used to sing certain songs. And he would smile. And then some nights he sang a song. A song whose name I did not know. And he would hold me tight. Under the blanket, I’d hug him back. And we fell asleep like that. His arms around me I remember. Those beautiful nights. I’d close my eyes and knew he was there when I open them again when morning comes. Those nights have gone and will never come back again. Those nights I’m letting go and the memories, I beg, please don’t haunt me so.
I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in. He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right? No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah! I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helples...
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