Drinking Milk Tea

RELAPSE!!!

You have a way of coming easily to me. And when you take, you take the very best of me. So I start a fight 'cause I need to feel somethin' And you do what you want 'cause I'm not what you wanted. (CHORUS) Oh, what a shame. What a rainy ending given to a perfect day. Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say. And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you. You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray. And I stood there lovin' you and WISHED them all away. And you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you. (CHORUS) Oh, what a shame. What a rainy ending given to a perfect day. So just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say. And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you. You never did give a damn thing, honey. But I cried, cried for you. And ...

Am I the girl I see in the mirror? My head is in such a haze but when I look in the mirror, I look ok. My make-up is low-key and simply pretty. My hair is up in a ponytail and not all over the place. I’m actually in a pretty white blouse, plain brown dress pants and my trusty flats. If I look far enough away, I don’t see the tears almost breaking out, the stupid confusion in my eyes and the almost pinched look on my lips. I look ok. The dark purple fingernails feel weird for me all day. I miss the red almost-bloodlike tips. I miss sinking the tips of long nails on someone’s flesh. Ahhh... Well... I’ve cut them down to a sufficiently short length so as not to hurt anyone now. I know that I’m being unfair right now and that I’m spiralling on a really bad place. I’m spinning this weave that I’m getting stuck on. It’s not like I want to get stuck. I just don’t know what else to do except spin it and spin it until I get dizzy ...

My freakin’ back hurts. My legs hurt. Yesterday, it was just the knees. Now my whole body feels bad. My face looks bloated and my eyes look dead. Tsk!!! Getting drunk really isn’t all that great these days. I think I need a whole dump of water. I tried the dark violet nail polish. In fairness, it matches my blouse today. I don’t know how comfortable I am with the color though. I still like it better when it looks like blood is dripping off the edge of my nails. I’m so tired. It’s the first day of the week. Why am I this tired already? Sleep is hard when one puts a lot of poison in one’s body. I need some sleep, a facial and a good massage.

Well... So much for not drinking. We found the atm card. What were we supposed to do? Get stinking drunk then. Who gets drunk on two bottles? Not me. But the heels are hell on the feet. Really hellish. Oh damn!!! Note to self: Party shoes are not dancing shoes... My poor feet.

It’s a Friday night and I’m still at the office. I’d go out but I’d rather not do so alone. I don’t trust myself. I might end up drinking and burning myself up. There’d be no other reason or excuse except there’s a dead feeling inside and I don’t want to feel dead again. I’d like to light a fire somewhere. Maybe take to the stage and sing a good song. Maybe dance my stupid lonely dance. I want to shout for something I don’t really understand. It’s another dead feeling. I hate this feeling. I’m really ok. I think I’m ok. There’s nothing really wrong with me. I just don’t know.

I just wanna be alone tonight I just wanna take a little breather Cause lately all we do is fight And every time it cuts me deeper Cause something's changed You've been acting so strange And it's taking it's toll on me It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave Without you, I live it up a little more everyday Without you, I'm seein myself so differently I didn't wanna believe it then But it all worked out in the end When I watched you walk away Well I never thought I'd say I'm fine Without you Called you up cause' it's been long enough And you said that you were so much better We have done a lot of growing up We were never meant to be together Cause something changed, you were acting so strange And it's taken it's toll on me It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave Without you, I live it up a little more everyday Without you, I'm seein myself so differently I didn't wan...

Sha-la-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la-la You used to call me your angel Said I was sent straight down from heaven You'd hold me close in your arms I loved the way you felt so strong I never wanted you to leave I wanted you to stay here holding me [CHORUS:] I miss you I miss your smile And I still shed a tear Every once in a while And even though it's different now You're still here somehow My heart won't let you go And I need you to know I miss you, sha la la la la I miss you You used to call me your dreamer And now I'm living out my dream Oh how I wish you could see Everything that's happening for me I'm thinking back on the past It's true that time is flying by too fast [CHORUS] I know you're in a better place, yeah But I wish that I could see your face, oh I know you're where you need to be Even though it's not here with me [CHORUS x2] (I miss you)

We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking dead We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking dead We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking dead We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking... We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking dead We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak And we will never rest, 'til we're all fucking dead I refuse! I refuse! I refuse to close my eyes I have loved, and I have lost I have turned, and I have tossed I have listened, and I have watched I've gave into this for long enough I have lost, and I have loved Sleep has stolen far too much So don't close your eyes, not just yet Sle...

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero nahihirapan ako dahil nami-miss ko talaga siya bigla.

I think I’ll take a break from the game tomorrow. I’m too selfish to let something like this make me feel small.

I wonder if I’m ok with this?

w.I'm ok now. I know I'm doing a lot of stupid things but I'm ok now. Now please get out of my head.

I don’t like him that much. There’s a lot of reasons why he won’t understand me. There’s a lot of reason why I shouldn’t play this game with him. It’s not going to be easy. And I’m not going to lose so much more in this game than he ever will.   I’m choosing to play the game. I haven’t won yet. That’s the thing with it. I play to win and as long as I don’t win, I’m not going to stop. No matter how many times I lose, as long as in the end, I’m the one who wins, then I’ll quit.   It’s a draw right now. He didn’t win but I didn’t lose either. He could have but I did not give anything away yet. I lost something but I also gained something. Or maybe I already lost in the last round that matters. Who cares? I’m going to win because I always win.   I know that it’s both the truth and a lie when I say I’m ok. I’m always going to bear the scar...

I don’t know how to handle guys. I wonder whether I should stop going online and texting back for a while just so I can breathe... Maybe I could stop texting back for a day. I wasn’t online for the weekend anyway, right? I could turn my phone off.

Love me!!! Love my idols!!! Hehee!!! I should tell these guys this and watch them run away... Oh well... I'm wearing dark nailpolish to show my goth side and they still think I'm sweet so I guess they don't get it yet. Maybe I should try drawing blood. Oh well... I'm figuring the wrist scars are bad enough. Tsk!!! Tegomass are amazing!!! There are so many shows being added little by little that I'm starting to worry if Massu will be able to handle it. I sure hope so. Fight!!! I want to watch!!!

Gutom na ako... Matutulog na ako...

The combination of a Leo man and Gemini woman can be as much fun as a barrel full of monkeys.  You're probably in the mood for a good time if you have been attracted to one another.  Geminis bring out the fun side of Leo.  The lion has the reputation for hogging all the attention, but in truth, a Leo is the perfect audience and enjoys being entertained by Gemini's tricks and turns. How to Attract a Gemini Woman as a Leo Man:   If you're a Leo man who wants to attract the attention of a Gemini woman, get ready for some competition, and don't let it faze you.  Laugh and take delight in the silly things she says.  This lady is sharp as a tack and playing to an audience.  You'll have to be on your toes to keep up with her.  Try to add a little variety to your courtship style.  Don't be quite so steady and reliable.  If you have been calling her once a week for three weeks, and then skip a week, she probably won't even notice, and i...

Opposites attract and these two are no exception.  However, Gemini-Sagittarius is laughingly referred to as the schizophrenic-axis.  You know, multiple personalities, LOL.  They bring it out in each other and they enjoy it.  The Sagittarius man is likely to be utterly fascinated by the Gemini woman as he tries to straighten out her thinking (good luck) and she outwits him at every turn.  She has more rabbits to pull out of a hat than he can ever keep up with.  The Sagittarius man and Gemini woman will cover the spectrum of topics of interest and curiosity.  They are both exceedingly friendly and enjoy casual socializing.  Sagittarius helps Gemini relax, and Gemini helps Sagittarius over some of his rough social spots.  The connection between a Sagittarius man and a Gemini woman is essentially an intellectual one -- conversational and exploratory.  Their minds work in tandem keeping them both fascinated with what the other one is doing ...

I leaned on someone too much and I suddenly got attached, which is not a good thing. I understand that this might have eventual ramifications. I just never thought it would be so bad as this. I should end it now. I understand that I’m only trying to like someone because they make me feel good but the thing is, it’s moving too fast and I’m not in love. I’m just in like. In all honesty, I’m simply being very much flattered with the attention I am getting and seeking the security of another relationship when in fact, I am not ready for a new one. I’m thankful for the time and the effort and all the flowery words that has come my way. It’s a good build-up for my sense of self after it has crashed but in all honesty, why am I even considering something that is obviously not right? Ok... Time to think... Get drunk again and all that.

Ahhh!!! I’m starting to get attached. Time to start searching for nonsense again.

When you love someone, your feelings tend to border on obsessive -- and when they ask you to do something because 'if you loved them, you would,' it's not in your nature to hesitate. Just this once, though, think before you respond. Are you being manipulated? It's probably in your best interest not to be so available right now. Don't answer the phone for a day -- or two.

The weekend was terribly fun!!! It was!!! I went to the park and swung around lang. I competed with the 10-year-old next to me on who can swing higher. I won. Mas mabigat ata ako. And then umakyat ng bundok on a bike. It was cold. Going down without the motor on was fun. Blasting jpop music was even more. And got wasted on a bottle of beer pagkagabi. I'm such an easy drunk pero mabilis naman to sober up. I'm happy that I went through that. Anrami ko pang hindi nagagawa pero all things come to those to wait naman. That was just Saturday. Sunday tinulog ko ng 14 hours. Hahaha!!! And then I ate. So good to finally allow myself these things. Simply put, the weekend was fun.

I’m afraid of tomorrow. I hope it ends well.  

Yay!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V2eCFsDkK0   This is great!!! It’s weird how life actually seems like it. As long as you hide your tail, no one will be able to shatter you.

May pasok ako on the upcoming Holy Week Holidays. Woohoo!!! Haha!!! Weird to look forward to it pero I have a lot of time free after. 4 compensatory leaves after that. What can be better than that? Hay!!! Never mind, I’m not asking that stupid question. Gusto ko lang maging masaya with what is given to me. Haha!!!

Shoot! Karen Carpenter due to complications of anorexia. I really gotta find that happiness at the end of the rainbow soon.

I want you to know that I'm happy for you I wish nothing but the best for you both An older version of me Is she preverted like me Would she go down on you in a theater? Does she speak eloquently And would she have your baby I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother   Cause the love that you gave that we made Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no And everytime you speak her name Does she know how you told me you'd hold me Until you died 'til you died But you're still alive   And I'm here to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away It's not fair to deny me Of the cross I bear that you gave to me You, you, you oughta know   You seem very well, things look peaceful I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner It was a slap on the face how quickly I was replaced Are you thinking ...

Those times I waited for you seem so long ago I wanted you far too much to ever let you go You know you never got by "I feel it too" And I guess I never could stand to lose It's such a pity to say Goodbye to you Goodbye to you Could I have loved someone like the one I see in you I remember the good times baby now, and the bad times too These last few weeks of holding on The days are dull, the nights are long Guess it's better to say Goodbye to you Goodbye to you Goodbye to you Goodbye to you 'Cause baby it's over now No need to talk about it It's not the same My love for you's just not the same And my heart, and my heart And my heart can't stand the strain And my love, and my love And my love won't stand the pain And my heart, and my heart And my heart can't stand the strain And my love, and my love And my love... Goodbye to you Goodbye to you Goodbye to you Goodbye to you Now, could I have loved some...

So long, Honey Babe Where I'm bound, I can't tell But Goodbye's too good a word, babe So I'll just say fare thee well I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind You could have done better but I don't mind You just kinda wasted my precious time But don't think twice, it's all right

Did I ask too much, more than a lot You gave me nothing now it's all I got We're one but we're not the same Well, we hurt each other then we do it again  

The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love And I understand that lovin' a man shouldn't have to be this rough You ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind I don't know why you gotta be angry all the time

My heart is skipping beats, which really tells me nothing. Maybe I need some sugar high. Ahhh... Heart beats...

http://www.johnnys-net.jp/j/info_01_mov_sakuragirl2.html   Yay!!! The PV was released last night. Yatta!!! And considering that it’s so in tune with my own state of mind right now, it’s all good.

... to letting go and moving on with my life.

My goodness, I was so selfish!!!

I wonder what I'll do on Sunday. I've got Saturday covered but Sunday seems boring. Oh well... Spend a day at home, I guess.

It's a password. You understand it, right? You should stop. It's a drug. How about the eating thing?

I wonder what I’ll do tomorrow. I have no plans. Tsk!

I know you I walked with you once upon a dream. I know you The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam Yes, I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem But if I know you, I know what you'll do You'll love me at once the way you did once upon a dream

A dream is a wish your heart makes When you're fast asleep In dreams you lose your heartaches Whatever you wish for, you keep Have faith in your dreams and someday Your rainbow will come smiling thru No matter how your heart is grieving If you keep on believing the dream that you wish will come true

There’s a part of me that stays ok throughout the day but begs a lot of me when I sleep. I try so hard to exhaust myself every day, sleeping only when I can’t open my eyes anymore. This part of me likes to mock my attempts of being ok, showing me dreams which are untrue. These dreams show me what was and what will never be. I need to sleep but I won’t because I’m so tired of waking up crying.

I fell in a perfect way Never had a choice to make Crashed into your tidal wave I didn't even struggle Sailed right through your atmosphere Closed my eyes and landed here Didn't see the trouble And I didn't care Chorus: I can't unlove you Can't do that No matter how I try I'll never turn my back on Someone who loved me too I can do most anything I have to But this one thing I cannot change I almost kind of like the pain Wear your tattoo like a stain It will take forever To fade away Chorus There's always time for other dreams Why must we erase these things? I can't unlove you Can't do that No matter how I try I'll never turn my back on Someone who loved me too But I can't unlove you Get through that No matter how I try I'll never turn my back on Someone who loved me too I can do most anything I have to But I can't unlove you

I so much want Dan as a friend. If there is anyone, in the whole of this world, who would actually understand me as a person, it would be him. Every corner of my soul, he has gotten a glimpse of. All the darkness in me, he is privy to. But it will never happen. We will never be friends. There will always be anger. There will always be such mistrust. And there is the fact that we have a death between the two of us. And how, when he is the only person to have touched me and from whom I do not flinch away from, can I forget the nights when we sleep together with his face near mine, breathing in, always always memorizing, the scent of his essence? We will never be friends.

Why?

But then, my state of mind is not good.

Kaya kung puwede lang, huwag mo muna akong saktan.

Ok lang 'to.

Ayoko na talaga.

Akala ko ok na ako. Yung tipong isang araw, nagigising ako, wala naman masamang sumasagi sa isip ko, tapos biglang, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... ayoko na. Ang hirap magmukhang ok kahit hindi pero kakayanin ko ito. Plastik ata ako.

Tsk! Ok fine!!! Nahimatay ako kahapon. Mas ok naman ako today, ah!

Bakit ko siya mahal kahit di niya ako mahal? Bakit ko siya gusto kahit ayaw na niya sa akin? Bakit ako di ako makagalaw sa kung nasaan ako samantalang matagal na niya akong iniwan dito? Bakit ako naghintay ng ganun katagal kung wala naman pala akong hinihintay? Napatawad ko na ba siya o niloloko ko na naman ang sarili ko? Ano ba ang kasiyahan ko? Ano nga ba ang gusto ko? Hindi puwedeng bumalik sa nakaraan. Hindi puwedeng bawiin ang lahat ng ginawang kasalanan. Kailangan ang hinaharap na lang ang matira. Pero sa totoo lang, wala akong makita.

Why is it that I know in my heart of hearts that I love him? What then is true love? For if I love him and he does not love me back and we have lost so much already and there really is nothing else between us, why does my heart ache this way?

I’m a little sad today for no apparent reason.

Kanji さくら さくらのような君でした 春のような恋でした いつまでも続いてゆくと そんな気がしてた 風が吹いて散るように はらはらと散るように あの風が連れ去ってゆく 舞って舞って僕のさくら (僕のさくら) さくら 突然の出会い教室で二人 何てことない台詞ばかり でも僕にとっては全部忘れない きっと一生忘れない 散りゆくなら綺麗なんだってさ そんなこと知らない僕に何が出来たっていうのさ さくらのような君でした 春のような恋でした いつまでも続いてゆくと そんな気がしてた 風が吹いて散るように はらはらと散るように あの風が連れ去ってゆく 舞って舞って僕のさくら (僕のさくら) さくら 言葉にならない君の『さよなら』に まだ受け入れられないことばかり でも僕の前にもう君は見えない 抜殻さえ粉々に 儚いから綺麗なんだってさ そんなこと灰色になった今聞きたくないのさ さくらのような君でした 春のような恋でした いつまでも続いてゆくと そんな気がしてた 風が吹いて散るように はらはらと散るように あの風が連れ去ってゆく 舞って舞って僕のさくら さくら さくらのような君でした 春のような恋でした いつまでも続いてゆくと そんな気がしてた 風が吹いて散るように はらはらと散るように あの風が連れ去ってゆく 舞って舞って僕のさくら ララ　ラブ　さくら Romaji sakura sakura no you na kimi deshita haru no you na koi deshita itsumademo tsuzuite yuku to sonna ki ga shiteta kaze ga fuite chiru you ni harahara to chiru you ni ano kaze ga tsuresatte yuku matte matte boku no sakura (boku no sakura) sakura totsuzen no deai kyoushitsu de futari nantekoto nai serifu bakari demo boku ni totte wa zenbu wasurenai kitto isshou wasurenai chiriyuku nara kirei nandatte sa sonna kot...

I wonder if I'm being true to myself or I'm masking something away. I just know that it doesn't hurt as much now but there seems to be something red peaking through. Oh well... One week and we'll know.

Having watched Percy Jackson, I was not able to appreciate it enough. The acting was stinted. The effects was nice but the situations and reactions were not that great. It’s ok to watch at home but the cinema experience simply wasn’t worth the price.   However, it did remind me of a lot of wonderful things in reading up on mythology. After all, there was Zeus, Athena, Poseidon, Hades and Persephone. Perhaps it’s just me but I actually don’t think Hades would have looked as dreadful as an aging rock star, and I also did not think that Persephone, being a daughter of Demeter, would have looked so dark and gloomy. I don’t particularly like how modern interpretations of the afterlife only show Tartarus. What good is an afterlife if there is only Tartarus to look forward to, anyway? Why would the god of the underworld live in Tartarus instead of the Elysian fields?   I look forward to the next instalments of the movie, though I would probably...

Hey, hey, hey, hey Top down in the summer sun The day we met was like a hit and run And I still taste it on my tongue (Taste it on my tongue) The sky was burning up like fireworks You made me want you, oh, so bad it hurt But boy, in case you haven't heard I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover I love you forever, forever is over We used to kiss all night, now it's just a bar fight So don't call me crying, say hello then goodbye (Oh yeah!) There's just one thing would make me say (Oh yeah!) I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover I love you forever, but now it's over (Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey) Hot sweat and blurry eyes We're spinning on a roller coaster ride The world stuck in black and white (Stuck in black and white) You drove me crazy every time we touched Now I'm so broken that I can't get up Oh boy, you make me such a lush I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover I love yo...

Even though you're gone and far away, I feel you all around. I think about it every single day, You got away somehow I can't sleep, It's hard to breath, And i still feel you next to me, Now, i can see. The first one is the worst one, When it comes to a broken heart, Your first love, yeah, you're so young, And you feel like a fallin' star, There's a fire in the city, That's burnin' out tonight, You're breathing but you're barely alive, The first one is the worst one, When it comes, when it comes to a broken heart. Spinnin' like a movie in my head, I've seen a thousand times, I've learned to take it hard, And fall instead of sittin' safe on the side lines. Lost days, Pictures fade, Somehow, you're still miles away, It's safe to say, The first one is the worst one, When it comes to a broken heart, Your first love, yeah, you're so young, And you feel like a fallin' star, There...

I want a new cheap phone so that I can get myself a red mobile. Smart is great for using it on the net and I totally love my phone's specs but I need a basic phone to use red mobile on so I won't have to delete stuff everytime I switch sims. For P0.50 per minute, I don't understand why people don't switch to red yet but I'll try to get them, oh yes, I will. The LG Lollipop and Ice Cream looks so cute!!! Uber even. Ahhh!!! I want one but I won't get one because truly, the reviews are bad. But really, so cute!!! I finally found Audio Technica!!! Yay!!! Celebrations are in order!!! I can't wait for June. Yay!!! I'm so glad I found the vampire mage book for the Dark Series of the Carpathians by Cristine Feehan. I can't wait to read it. I saw it at the bookstore earlier on sale but didn't buy it. Thank goodness for 4shared. It really is the best. I even got myself a pdf copy of Tantalize by Cynthia Smith. Gonna start dreaming of vampires again. I'...

I'm feeling better. I really am. It's not just a little bit. I'm feeling better in a whole lot of ways and I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. I'm thankful. I really am, to everyone who made me feel better and listened to me the past few days. I sure hope you guys get your due. No regrets today. Just hope for a good tomorrow.

Yay! New NEWS and Tegomass releases.

I'm afraid of Tuesday. I'm afraid of next week. I'm afraid of next month. I'm afraid of next year. I'm afraid of a future that has yet to come. I'm afraid that I'll get hurt. I'm afraid that I'll fall in love. I'm afraid that I'll stay in love with a love that hurts so much. I'm afraid that I won't want any love offered anymore. I'm afraid that I'm always not going to be loved by the one I love. I'm afraid of being discarded. I'm afraid of love. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'll do. I know I want to sleep with a smile on my face but that night will not be tonight. I don't want to sleep. I'm afraid of what dreams bring. I'm afraid of the pain of the tears. I'm afraid of the happiness of false hope. I'm afraid because I know it's all so untrue. I'm afraid to live. I want to suddenly just collapse, lose all my mind and leave the world for unreality. I'm afraid of e...

This feels painful. I feel so scarred. So much blood lost. And now I can barely eat. I should do something right now. I can barely breathe.

-----Original Message----- From: him Sent: Thu, 11 Mar 2010 18:37:19 -0800 (PST) To: me Subject: Re: Thank you, sorry and goodbye I'm sorry. That's the only thing I can say to you right now. And you don't have to say sorry for the things you have done because you have every right to do those things to me. I acknowledge my weaknesses and faults. I'm sorry if I was afraid to say to you before that I was being unhappy with what's going on between us. I'm sorry if I got frustrated to make you understand that I have things I wanted to do in my life like this business thing and how I'm getting depressed over my failure. I'm sorry if I get irritated on how I thought your Nanay dictates how our lives should run. If there is someone to blame with what's happening right now, it is me.I'm sorry if I wasn't answering your phone call or text messages. It's because I don't know what to say to you or hear you crying over the phone. Believe it or...

For myself. Talk to me and look me in the eye next time we meet. Maybe then I won't cry. I want you to be my friend someday. I don't know if that will ever happen. Please don't reply to this so we can stop the bad cycle right now.

Ang bilis niya magbago. Ang alam mo kahapon ay hindi na totoo ngayon...

Ayoko na talaga. Ang sakit-sakit na. Di ko nakakaya. Ayoko na. Ayoko na.

Oh yes I do!!! But I have no idea how to go about doing it. Two options: -Talk to the ex and ask him if he's willing to have crazy stupid sex for an hour or so... -Call up the dangerously easy guy on the phone and ask him if he's ok with casual sex... But!!! This is really just a crazy idea and I shouldn't do it. I'm just going on my crazy bit.

I like the way you wanted me Every night for so long baby I like the way you needed me Every time things got rocky I was believing in you Was I mistaken do you mean Do you mean what you say When you say our love could last forever (Chorus) But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know But baby don't you break my heart slow I like the way you'd hold me Every night for so long baby I like the way you'd sing to me Every time things got rocky I was believing in you Was I mistaken do you say Do you say what you mean When you say our love could last forever (Chorus) Cause I'd rather you be mean than love and lie I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know But baby don't you break my heart slow (Bridge) You would run around and lead me on forever While I stay at home still thinking we're together ...

I'm going up and down. One time I'm already satisfied and ok, another time, I'm so so angry that I want to kill. Other times, this despair just overwhelms me. I've started out today so well. I didn't cry but was a little angry but I got over it and painted my nails clear. I went to the office and composed my thoughts, writing over and over again. I was a little self-satisfied, reveling on the feeling that I was going to be ok for tomorrow and then suddenly... Going home, the feeling of being alone made me feel so so bad again and the evil thoughts crept inside. I've started slashing my wrists with the dull blade again. Somehow the sight of the red horizontal marks satisfies me for a little bit. What frightens me is that I have started to become a little more vicious with myself, pushing just a little deeper, pulling across the skin just a little faster. I'm unconsciously putting the blade against my neck. This is really scaring me. I'm continuously losin...

In my mind, I understand what I am doing is not correct.

In fairness, I did not cry today but then I’m starting to get depressed again. I really should start finding something else to do.

Even if you were a million miles away I could still feel you in my bed Near me, touch me, feel me And even in the bottom of the sea I can still hear inside my head Telling me, touch me, feel me And all the time you were telling me lies So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you I’m gonna hold onto the times that we had Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart Well you can try sleeping in my bed Lonely, only, nobody ever shut it down like you You wore the crown, you make my body feel heaven-bound Why don’t you hold me, need me, I thought you told me You’d never leave me Looking in the sky I can see your face And i knew right where I’d fit in Take me, make me You know that I’ll always be in love with you Right til the end So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you Tonight I...

I kept thinking over and over what is it that I have done wrong. Where have I given too much? Where did I err? In the end, it wasn’t really me at all, was it? It was him and his perceived failures in himself. No matter how many times I encourage him and try to tell him that only he would do, he still did not believe in himself enough and needed someone else to tell him. I really was not enough at all. Or maybe I was too much.

Gutom na ako!!!

Oh fuck! I can't breathe right.

Dear Dan, I hope that you read the whole letter because I'm really afraid that you won't and all the thoughts inside of my head right now would be wasted. I'll try not to be angry so please try to read it with an open heart just simply for the fact that once upon a time, you told me that you loved me and that I believed you. I don't know if it is wrong or if it is right but I believe that at that moment in time, both of us believed that it was true. This is not a letter for you to take me back. This is not a plea for you to have mercy. And I'm hoping that once finished, this is not a letter that is a shout of anger as well. I'm going to the ob-gyne again this Friday and I'm hoping that in spite of the fact that there has been some stress, I have not done anything bad to my baby. I'm sorry if I'm not willing to share. I'm sorry if I sprung it on you but I didn't mean to have this happen. I did not mean for the things that happened to happen. P...

I wrote a really long letter so that I could find forgiveness in myself for the mess our relationship has become, to give peace to someone else and in a way, to let go, last night. I closed my eyes and felt the pain in my heart again just before I went to sleep. I became a little angry but I managed to sleep just a little bit. Anger was still in my heart when I woke up. Maybe someday, I'll wake up without feeling a thing. I hope that day comes soon.

I did not want to accept the reality that the life I’ve led was a lie but I have to understand that it is not in any way my own fault that it has become a lie. I truly believed in the love I gave. Everything I did was for that love. I felt the joys and the pains and I lived day to day. I have made a lot of sacrifices through the years and I have chosen a lot of paths. This path has led me here. Be it stupid to have believed that moment, it is still my choice to have believed. Though they were lies, they were not mine. I understand that the choices I made are not always right and that I am not always good. What gives me strength in spite of this knowledge is the thought that I have always done what I could for love as love should never sway, whatever else might crumble. Though this hurts so bad that no other hurt ever could and as I forgive him for what he has done, one thing at a time, I will have to understand that though I have let myself think over the years that what I h...

Hindi ko kailangan mag-isip. Wala naming akong ginawang masama. Ano pa bang iniisip ko? Wala na dapat, di ba? Get on with life na lang.

Gusto ko na talaga magpakamatay dahil sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon at di ko na makayang mag-isip ng ganito oras-oras. Kahit na sabihin ng lahat na “I’m better off.” at “Other good things will happen.”, ayoko nang maniwala. Wala na akong gusting paniwalaan sa mundo. Gusto ko lang mawala na. Ang hirap-hirap kasi. Sabi niya, “Gugustuhin mo bang magkarelasyon tayo kahit di na ako masaya?” Masama bang mawala na lang sa mundo, kahit na alam kong may umaasa pang mabuhay ako? Ayokong mag-isip ng ganito. Ayokong sabihin kahit kanino ang mga ito. Pero sa totoo, sa sobrang hirap ng nararamdaman ko, hindi ko maisip kung paano ko tatapusin ang araw na ito. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano pang nagpapaandar ng mundo ko. Alam ko lang, ang sakit na ito, lalo lang lumalala habang umiikot pa rin ang mundo.

Hindi ko alam pero mas mahirap ang araw na ito kesa kahapon. Kahapon kasi, nakakapag-stop pa akong umiyak. Ngayong araw, sagad na sagad ang sakit sa puso ko, hindi ko mapigilan.

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! You took over my world and now you’ve left me all alone. How do I move on?  

I have red scratches on my wrists. I know I shouldn’t do it but I do and hopefully, someday, I’ll stop doing it. I ate one piece of hopia last Saturday. I ate two spoonfuls of rice last Sunday. Last night, I ate a plateful of spaghetti. I can hardly stomach eating and it hurts to wretch in the morning because there’s really nothing there to hurl out. I’m feeling really faint and low and I think I’m going crazy with all this thinking.    

Romaji Oto no nai sayonara ni wa Setsunasa ga nijinde Kimi ga senaka wo muketa sono toki Namida ga kyuu ni koboreta   Soshite toorinukerarenai Meiro no naka ni kimi wo sagasu   Kokoro wa doko made itami wo seoeru darou? Sunadokei wa saigo no hitotsubu dake Mada sukoshi tameratteru   Shinjiteta kimi to deai Koi wo shita kimochi wo Sore igai ni wa nanimo iranai Sore ga subete to omotteta   Nazeka taisetsu ni omou hodo Kizu tsuketetari kizu tsuiteru   Wasurete shimaeba donna ni raku nan darou? Sunadokei wa saigo no hitotsubu dake Mada sukoshi tamerau kedo   Kokoro wa doko made itami wo seoeru darou? Sunadokei wa saigo no hitotsubu dake Mada sukoshi tamerau kedo   Wasurete shimaeba donna ni raku nan darou? Sunadokei wa saigo no hitotsubu dake Mada sukoshi tameratteru   Itsu mademo tameratteru   English The soundless goodbye Was blurred by pain When you turned your back ...