Skip to main content

On how I feel right now

I'm so sleepy but I don't really think I'll be sleeping early. There's no hope for that. I want to but I know I'm a little disturbed. No, that's not true. I'm a lot more disturbed than that.
Hmmm... I'm thinking about a lot of things. Like the fact that I don't think I'll have a lot of money next month. It's ok. It's only money. But then, it'll be a problem when we have to pay a lot of money to the hospital when Tatay is discharged. Life can be harsh to some people. Sometimes, I wonder about the path I have taken. But then, it's a path I've chosen. No going back in time available for me. There's only today and tomorrow. I don't regret choosing to be their daughter. What I regret is being too uncaring about the past few years. Perhaps if... Perhaps not...
I'm working hard not to have any problems. But then, it's not like problems can truly be avoided. However, in my life, I know that some things, I truly deserve.
I wish I can win the lottery. I hope it works the same way as wishing for the perfect guy. Well... somehow, I'm regretting a little bit but some part of me knows I've already bonded my soul with his. But then, he just sucks right now. But then, I suck as well... I don't know how to handle it right now so I'm trying to handle things with kid gloves. No calling. No texting. No emailing unless it's an email back. Nothing from me that will entail him giving me a long lecture on responsibility.
So as for winning the lottery.... Here's the plan. I wanna win the lottery. Depending on which set of numbers win, I'll split half with either Nanay and Tatay or Dan. If Dan's and my numbers win, he gets half, no questions asked. I'll then split my share to half with Nanay and Tatay getting half. If Nanay and Tatay's and my numbers win, I'll split half with them. Then I'll split my half with Dan. Basically, that's my plan. Then of course, immediately, give 10% to charity so no thought about it is needed anymore.
Ahhh! So sleepy.
And then of course, there's the shopping spree in Singapore. I plan on buying every little device I've taken a hankering to have. Depending on how much I win, I'll either buy one of the condo units being sold here in Cubao that's not yet complete but I'll still still buy one for investment purposes. I should probably put half of everything in a trust fund so I won't think of it. I'll put a quarter in time deposit. And I'll still work for a while.
My mind doesn't work right now. I wish Dan would call just because he wants to hear my voice. I want to hear his voice that whispers in every word that he loves me and misses me. I don't need him to say the exact words. I just need to hear it in his voice right now. I need to love him so much right now.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On separation

Whenever I listen to you, it seems that even paper flowers have a fragrance. I remember the night we met. It almost seems so long ago with so many things happening between us and yet it was only a year and a half. June 5, 2011.  It was close to midnight, I guess. You changed my life then. I was so low and so broken. I wanted to feel something from the emptiness inside me and you came along, with that big smile, that twinkle in your eyes, that confidence daring the world to take you apart. I was not impressed but I was broken enough not to care because simply, I wanted someone to touch me and keep me warm. You took the chance and told me you loved me then and there. I thought you were full of yourself but I let you be you and let you touch me. We spent the day after together. I still remember Chowking and what I ordered. And when you left me in the morning after, I felt just a little less broken. Little by little, I was mended and was stronger and one day, a month after, I ...
Post a Comment
Read more

On whether I should care...

I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in. He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right? No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah! I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helples...
Post a Comment
Read more

State of Self

I have red scratches on my wrists. I know I shouldn’t do it but I do and hopefully, someday, I’ll stop doing it. I ate one piece of hopia last Saturday. I ate two spoonfuls of rice last Sunday. Last night, I ate a plateful of spaghetti. I can hardly stomach eating and it hurts to wretch in the morning because there’s really nothing there to hurl out. I’m feeling really faint and low and I think I’m going crazy with all this thinking.    
Post a Comment
Read more