Drinking Milk Tea

I'm thinking about my relationship to Dan over again. Yes, him once again. Must be boring to read this blog, ne? Ahhh!!! Never mind! I've got nothing to say right now. It's still the same thing over and over again. I better try finding a new song.

I need to miss you I live in the hopelessness since you don't come back to me I survive just for anxiety with a knot in my stomach and the fact is that I can't stop thinking of you little by little my heart is going to lose faith... to lose voice rescue me from the forgetfulness rescue me from the loneliness rescue me from the weariness I'm done to your will rescue me from the forgetfulness rescue me from the dark rescue me from the weariness don't let me go down anymore I want to go on but "love" is the word that sometimes is hard to forget I survive just for anxiety with a knot in my stomach and the fact is that I can't stop thinking of you little by little my heart is going to lose faith... to lose voice rescue me from the forgetfulness rescue me from the loneliness rescue me from the weariness I'm done to your will rescue me from the forgetfulness rescue me from the dark rescue me from the weariness don't let me go down anymore (x3)

Extrañarte es mi necesidad Vivo en la desesperanza Desde que tu ya no vuelves mas Sobrevivo por pura ansiedad Con el nudo en la garganta Y es que no te dejo de pensar Poco a poco el corazon Va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas Me propongo tanto continuar Pero amor es la palabra Que me cuesta a veces olvidar Sobrevivo por pura ansiedad......con el nudo en la garganta Y es que no te dejo de pensar Poco a poco el corazon Va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad Salvame del hastio......no me dejes caer jamas Salvame del olvido.....salvame de la soledad Salvame del hastio.....estoy hecha a tu voluntad Salvame del olvido......salvame de la oscuridad Salvame del has...

I want to say that I forgive him but I'm not sure if he's sorry that we're fighting or he's sorry because he's giving up. Maybe I should let it . But then, where am I right now? If he was here, I might let it go, I think, because eventually I'll feel his hunger for me in his kiss. I would believe that tomorrow would be better than today. However, in this state of mind that I'm in now, I am... disdainful of his emotional distance. I am disappointed in his avarice for money. I am... sad at being alone. I am... hoping he'd tell me that he loves me, truly, and making me believe it. I am... hoping that I'm not disappointing him. I am... trying my best and knowing that I'm failing. I am... so alone. Hoping against hope that he would tell me he's there without throwing it in my face. I'm so bruised deep inside. But then... Why? My head aches. My heart aches. My body aches. I am empty. I am nothing. Am I going to ever be able to find worth in mys...

I'm so sleepy but I don't really think I'll be sleeping early. There's no hope for that. I want to but I know I'm a little disturbed. No, that's not true. I'm a lot more disturbed than that. Hmmm... I'm thinking about a lot of things. Like the fact that I don't think I'll have a lot of money next month. It's ok. It's only money. But then, it'll be a problem when we have to pay a lot of money to the hospital when Tatay is discharged. Life can be harsh to some people. Sometimes, I wonder about the path I have taken. But then, it's a path I've chosen. No going back in time available for me. There's only today and tomorrow. I don't regret choosing to be their daughter. What I regret is being too uncaring about the past few years. Perhaps if... Perhaps not... I'm working hard not to have any problems. But then, it's not like problems can truly be avoided. However, in my life, I know that some things, I truly deserve...

I cried a lot last night. I fell asleep exhausted, thinking over a lot of things. I thought I wouldn't cry lately but then, what else can one do when one is prevented from doing anything else. How life can seem so cold lately.

I'd rather he hate me, if his hate lasts forever, then that means that I'm in his heart forever. If he doesn't care anymore, however, I'd rather just die or disappear forever without a trace. Because if he doesn't feel anything anymore, then my existence in his life is meaningless, and my existence in this life is meaningless. I'd rather not care, but then again, I do.

He says that sometimes, he hates me. I wonder just how deep that hate is. I wonder how long that hate has grown already. I wonder whether he hates me more than he loves me. I don't want to be hated by the one that I love. But then if he doesn't love me, then what do I do? I don't know what to do about our situation. I'm trying so hard but then, I think, I may not be loved anymore.

He hasn't emailed me yet. It's been two days but then, sometimes, even one day seems so long already. I don't really mind. I've decided to put a little manacle on myself. No calls. No texts. No emails. No nothing. Not that I don't want to. Although there is a part of me that doesn't feel the overdriving need I used to have. It's just that... There's nothing... I want to know if he still loves me. I want to know if I still love him. But then, my questions won't be answered in two days. My mind is a mess. I can see it in my apartment. I don't feel at peace and I don't feel like caring right now. But then, I want to know. I hope I still love him, weird as it sounds. Though it would most probably hurt me. I still want to. But then, I don't want to call him. He'll tell me I'm overspending. I don't want to text him. He'll tell me the same thing. I don't want to email him. He won't reply anyway. And also, I don't want...

Good night to the people who reads this...

I wonder if it's worth it? Oh well... I'm thinking not but then, I may be wrong. But then, if I really don't, then why do I hang out? It's too easy to forget. But sometimes, it's so hard to remember that you've forgotten. "Mahirap maalaalang lumimot."

I know Dan sucks at this long-distance relationship thing but I seem to suck at explaining my feelings to him so that in the end, I'm just contributing to the failure of the relationship. I'll try to do better in the coming days and months ahead. If I fail, I should at least try. -me

Dan is a good person. I truly believe that. And if we spent our days without any change from way back when, then maybe, just maybe, we would stay the same. I guess it's because there seems to be some kind of understanding between the two of us, that the other person loves the other because... Ok, I think I loved him the first time because he reminded me of myself a lot. Who knows... I was living in a glass case in those times and it was a case that only the two of us could shatter. I know I'm not perfect and I know he's not perfect, but we were perfectly content, I thought, to be in that imperfect relationship. Yes, I know, it is an imperfect relationship. Even up to now, our relationship is so imperfect that it's breaking apart. So ok, I'm at fault for why our relationship is the way it is. My emotions are seesawing every which way that I'm feeling sad and lonely and angry at the least little provocation. If he were to be doing something like this, I'd prob...