Skip to main content

Email to Dan that I didn't send him...

Should I send this? Hmmm... My gut says yes but I know he'll just whine and not do anything to really make me feel better. He'll just complain and in the end, I really won't get what I want. I'll confront him when he comes home. I hope to God that he won't do anything bad while he's in Abu Dhabi and make me regret not sending him this. If he does, I'll just have to learn that I am better off, though. It will hurt.

Dan,

Think of it this way... I'm growing up... Because if I saw that before, I would not have talked to you outright, ok? Geeze! So I'm upset. Who wouldn't? I can't even get you to email me that much in a day. You're always super busy, you say... Hell... you didn't even email me back for yesterday's.
Another thing is that you're always so depressing in your emails to me that you emit such sadness in your emails that I can't feel happy receiving emails from you anymore. Ok, delete that, I am happy... sometimes... sometimes though... ok, truth is... I'm not very happy from your emails these days. Do you email me because you want to or you email me because you have to?
Hell!!! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!! Ok, I wasn't going to go get angry and now I'm feeling righteous in my anger. Call me stupid or crazy but now I'm going psycho about this already. Buti pa siya, mas maraming emails nakuha sa iyo ngayong araw. Ilan ba iyon? Hmmm... Isa? Dalawa? Tatlo? Hmmm... Buti pa siya nag-email ka ng reply sa forwarded message niya lang... Buti pa siya, parang masaya kang ka-email siya. Ano nga ba naman ako? Girlfriend mo lang. After all, nakuha mo na ako. Nagamit mo na rin ako. Depressing girl who's waiting for you. After all, wala nang effort na kailangan kapag ganyan, ano? Ang tamad mo!!!
Naaalala ko pa kung paano ka dati. Pero hindi ka na parehong Dan na minahal ko noon. Would it be better for me now if I actually just walked away way back then when I still loved you than to have stayed and sometimes want to hate you?

Hmmm... you don't know how to keep promises...
Hmmm... you forget important dates...
Hmmm... you make a person feel unimportant...
Hmmm... you make a person feel like crap...

You really shouldn't say something that was so easy for me to check. Well...

I'm bad.

Things Dan does for me:

He calls me.
He lends me money.
...
...
I'm trying!!!
Ummm...
He emails me back...
Should that even be something he does for me?
He tells me he loves me...
He was absent from work for a day to talk to me...
We had cybersex that day and he din't want to talk about my problems...
He tells me he loves me...

Argh!

I'm not in a good mood right now...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On whether I should care...

I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in. He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right? No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah! I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helples...
Post a Comment
Read more

Mirrors and Purple glitter

Am I the girl I see in the mirror? My head is in such a haze but when I look in the mirror, I look ok. My make-up is low-key and simply pretty. My hair is up in a ponytail and not all over the place. I’m actually in a pretty white blouse, plain brown dress pants and my trusty flats. If I look far enough away, I don’t see the tears almost breaking out, the stupid confusion in my eyes and the almost pinched look on my lips. I look ok. The dark purple fingernails feel weird for me all day. I miss the red almost-bloodlike tips. I miss sinking the tips of long nails on someone’s flesh. Ahhh... Well... I’ve cut them down to a sufficiently short length so as not to hurt anyone now. I know that I’m being unfair right now and that I’m spiralling on a really bad place. I’m spinning this weave that I’m getting stuck on. It’s not like I want to get stuck. I just don’t know what else to do except spin it and spin it until I get dizzy ...
2 comments
Read more

On separation

Whenever I listen to you, it seems that even paper flowers have a fragrance. I remember the night we met. It almost seems so long ago with so many things happening between us and yet it was only a year and a half. June 5, 2011.  It was close to midnight, I guess. You changed my life then. I was so low and so broken. I wanted to feel something from the emptiness inside me and you came along, with that big smile, that twinkle in your eyes, that confidence daring the world to take you apart. I was not impressed but I was broken enough not to care because simply, I wanted someone to touch me and keep me warm. You took the chance and told me you loved me then and there. I thought you were full of yourself but I let you be you and let you touch me. We spent the day after together. I still remember Chowking and what I ordered. And when you left me in the morning after, I felt just a little less broken. Little by little, I was mended and was stronger and one day, a month after, I ...
Post a Comment
Read more