Drinking Milk Tea

Roxanne, I don't know how to say this but I have learned my mistakes. (Not really. You haven't changed) I should have loved you more. (So basically you don't love me?) I should have cared for you more. (So basically you don't care?) I should have shown you more how much I am willing to give for our relationship. (So you could have given more except you didn't?) I shouldn't have fooled around. (If you shouldn't have done it, why did you do it in the first place?) I want our love to last. (Not the way it's going.) I want you so much that it hurts so bad knowing that you already decided to leave me. (Show me.) It hurts so bad that I don't even know how to fix things between us without you telling me what to do. (Why do I always have to tell you what to do? Don't you have a mind of your own? If not, then maybe I should rethink the past two years over.) I am a hopeless case. (It sure seems like it.) I am very sorry for being one. (Sorry people...

Should I send this? Hmmm... My gut says yes but I know he'll just whine and not do anything to really make me feel better. He'll just complain and in the end, I really won't get what I want. I'll confront him when he comes home. I hope to God that he won't do anything bad while he's in Abu Dhabi and make me regret not sending him this. If he does, I'll just have to learn that I am better off, though. It will hurt. Dan, Think of it this way... I'm growing up... Because if I saw that before, I would not have talked to you outright, ok? Geeze! So I'm upset. Who wouldn't? I can't even get you to email me that much in a day. You're always super busy, you say... Hell... you didn't even email me back for yesterday's. Another thing is that you're always so depressing in your emails to me that you emit such sadness in your emails that I can't feel happy receiving emails from you anymore. Ok, delete that, I am happy... sometimes... ...

Whenever I think about Dan loving me and my loving him, I used to be so... Okay, so we have our differences and we have our problems... from the very start. Are we strong enough for this. I don't think I have the strength to this about this tonight. No, I don't think I'm strong enough for this tonight.

He is 76 years old. Old, you might say, but I've never thought of him as old until recently. All throughout my life, my father is just my father. Taller than me and always spoiling me and my mother. I'm adopted. I came into their lives 23 years ago or so. I grew up an only child. My father is imprinted in me. He's kind, yes, very very kind. They have never been harsh in raising me. In fact, they have been too gentle. He used to lie in this sofa we used to have and I would lie on him and he would tickle me like crazy and I would tickle him back. No one else would do such a thing to me. He always brought me siopao home. I don't eat it anymore but that siopao and his kindness, gentlenesss and patience for a small little brat seemed unending, wrapped in that small siopao. I'm all grown up now. And yet when it has come to be my turn to protect them, I can't. I feel inadequate, not only for Tatay, my only true father figure, but also for Nanay who has told me that pri...

He does. He really does. But then... I feel so bad about what's happening right now that I think I'm almost angry.

I feel alone right now. I'm literally alone but this time, I feel so much more alone. In my life, I've felt this way a lot of time but I neverthought I'd come back to this point once again. What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to do this? Why is this happening? Why? I don't know what to do, really!!! I don't know what to do!!!

But I also don't want to sometimes.