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You were the one I thought of when I was having the most difficult time. When I couldn’t say anything to anyone, but had to keep it to myself. When I felt like I was going to die, because it was so hard for me, I wanted to tell you. I had to tell you. You disappeared. The one person, who I came to trust the most in the world, suddenly disappeared.

I love you, you bastard. That’s why even if you have to hurt me in the future, just tell me that you’re sorry. I’ll never be able to find another man who loves me. The pain you’ve caused me is so great, that the remaining scar will be so ugly, that no one is ever going to be able to love me. That’s why… That’s why I want you to tell me that you’re sorry. Then I’ll be able to live again, when you do. If it hurts, I’m going to be hurt anyway, don’t say that everything as fake, okay? Say you’re sorry, tell me you’re sorry.

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I want to say I’m ok without having to lie but I’m not. I’m worried about a lot of things right now they clog my brain. It must be why I didn’t sleep today. I should settle this life I’m living. I should find closure for all these worries. I should stop wanting more than what I already have. I should be done. However, what should be done has never been what I truly do. Smile and bear it. Ignore the bad thoughts. Just smile and bear it.