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Dan came home for a month. That was... It was fun and I laughed so much and I cried so much and we went out and we slept and we did so many many things... And yet it was a month and now I'm so sad it hurts even just to swallow...

I don't want to sleep. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything else but cry. I miss him so much that I keep thinking, once again, that dying just might be easier than this waiting...

I'm being stupid again... Yes, again... Just how many times do I do this to myself? I wallow in the pain of him leaving me, of me leaving him, of separating... and now, even to the extent that I know that it is merely temporary, I wallow in the pain of it... And twist the blunt knife. Why can't I wallow in the happiness yet savor the pain so much?

I better go to sleep. I have 2 hours before I have to wake up. Can I not wake up until he comes back? Gadz!!! That's so stupid. The problem with me is that when it comes to Dan, he becomes my everything when he is with me. He makes me so happy and alive. And when goes away, I just want to die.

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