Drinking Milk Tea

I don’t want to live like this, thinking of life as what if. I don’t want to live like this, crying out my heart that is. I just want to live someday, living my life a-ok. I just want to be one day, loving someone day by day.

As the days pass by, I feel that cool feeling inside of me. I can smile my dead smile once again. One day soon, I will stop crying and start smiling and the world will never know that the fates have felt so cruel and that inside the shell, everything in me is cracked. I will smile my dead smile and I will start to live again the dead life I used to live. It will be cold and will never feel the warmth I used to feel but I cannot do anything over the fact that everything has been a lie. If to love is to feel this pain, may I never have loved at all. For the cruel bitter pain cuts so deep to my very soul. The ice surrounds me and the colors have faded through its thickness.

I used to fall asleep with someone beside me. With his hand holding mine and his breath near my cheeks. I used to sing certain songs. And he would smile. And then some nights he sang a song. A song whose name I did not know. And he would hold me tight. Under the blanket, I’d hug him back. And we fell asleep like that. His arms around me I remember. Those beautiful nights. I’d close my eyes and knew he was there when I open them again when morning comes. Those nights have gone and will never come back again. Those nights I’m letting go and the memories, I beg, please don’t haunt me so.

I went to Dan’s last Saturday. I asked him how easy it is to let go of 4 years. I begged him. I punched him. I told him to give me back my 4 years. He wanted to go but I wouldn’t let him.   Then Chasen Mae came. She was angry. I wanted to be angry too but it was more a feeling of despair. It was a feeling of intense loss. I wonder just how much she knows of the truth. I wonder how much she wants to believe the truth is.   I don’t particularly belong there anymore. It feels so bad to go to that place. I once entered that place knowing I was welcome. I know that I do not want to come in there anymore.   I don’t know what to do. I keep crying and crying and it’s not good for me. I don’t want to cry anymore.   My baby is mine and is not his.

My ex turned out to be a really big jerk. I guess I was a better judge of character as a college student than I was as an assistant manager in a big company.

Eto ako nagtratrabaho ng diyes oras ng gabi pero nami-miss ko siya.

Iiyak na ako!!!