Skip to main content

On Regrets

I have quarreled with my husband once again today. In all fairness, when I look back on today, I know that I was in the wrong for some things. I very much admit so but I don't really want to reconcile.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being the one to come to him and say it hurts to be apart. Though people say pride can hurt you, perhaps, this time, I'd like to hold on to it. Or perhaps, after such an endless cycle, my heart is very much willing to give up on itself.
I know that today, I don't feel this need to say "Let's talk and make up." Perhaps the last few days have been too much. Perhaps I'm hurting from before. Perhaps perhaps perhaps.
Everyday, I tell myself, will I be willing to live with myself if tomorrow I die? I know that today I can. I can live with myself. I can say it's ok if we don't talk. I'm ok if he continues being how he is, silent and unfeeling, because if he is that unfeeling, then it's not my fault anymore. Have I not given enough love? Have I not given all I can? Have I not shared enough of my life? Is it not enough? Should I always have to give in?
Love is hard but it shouldn't be. Love should not be cold. Love should not be pushed. Love should be happy and warm and all the smiles in the world.
I give up. If today is the end, then let it end. I'm tired.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On separation

Whenever I listen to you, it seems that even paper flowers have a fragrance. I remember the night we met. It almost seems so long ago with so many things happening between us and yet it was only a year and a half. June 5, 2011.  It was close to midnight, I guess. You changed my life then. I was so low and so broken. I wanted to feel something from the emptiness inside me and you came along, with that big smile, that twinkle in your eyes, that confidence daring the world to take you apart. I was not impressed but I was broken enough not to care because simply, I wanted someone to touch me and keep me warm. You took the chance and told me you loved me then and there. I thought you were full of yourself but I let you be you and let you touch me. We spent the day after together. I still remember Chowking and what I ordered. And when you left me in the morning after, I felt just a little less broken. Little by little, I was mended and was stronger and one day, a month after, I ...
Post a Comment
Read more

On whether I should care...

I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in. He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right? No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah! I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helples...
Post a Comment
Read more

State of Self

I have red scratches on my wrists. I know I shouldn’t do it but I do and hopefully, someday, I’ll stop doing it. I ate one piece of hopia last Saturday. I ate two spoonfuls of rice last Sunday. Last night, I ate a plateful of spaghetti. I can hardly stomach eating and it hurts to wretch in the morning because there’s really nothing there to hurl out. I’m feeling really faint and low and I think I’m going crazy with all this thinking.    
Post a Comment
Read more