Skip to main content

...

I want to cry but right now, I'm at work so I'm not going to do that. However, I already feel so bad. I feel so so bad.

You can't always get what you want. You always have to choose between one thing or another. I hate this but I don't even know what choice I actually have. I know I'm being stupid but I've been so stupid for the past two years that I'm not sure that I would be happy not being being stupid. After all, I've actually convinced myself that being foolish could get me the happiness that I never knew before. But then, it was being stupid.

I have to be firm on this. I have to be strong for myself. I have to. I don't care if it's fair or it could become the end for our relationship anymore. The way that he is reacting, or perhaps not reacting, makes me wonder if it is going to be ending some time soon. It's not that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. It's not that I don't love him anymore. I still love him. I still love him best. But when I think about it for so so long, I'm not happy anymore this way. It's too unfair. If he can't give me what I want now, he won't give me what I want 5 years from now. I probably won't end the relationship yet, but I've already given it some thought, on this little test of mine. It's not going to be forever. I can love him forever but I can't be with him forever. I'd just end up killing him.

I think I'm starting to become ready for the end of this relationship. The way it is going, the way the play is running, it's going to end. He'll probably blame me. Hell! He'll blame me. But that's the kind of people we are. We're both so selfish. So so selfish. Do we love the other person more than we love ourselves? I think I can. At least I can say it. I love him more than I love myself. I don't think he can say the same though. He truly truly values himself more than he values me. It's probably the product of our childhood. I was a spoiled brat, so I spoil the people who I love. I tend to shower people with attention and physical things. I give and give. As a child, he felt ignored and unappreciated, so as much as he can, he wants to take as much as he can get. He wants everything without giving back. It's the type of person he is, though. I'm not saying I'm unselfish. I'm still a product of my twisted childhood. I'm still a spoiled brat. Because I can only give something up as long as I'm truly happy. When I'm sad. When I feel ignored, then I simply run away. I don't stay long enough to fight. I'm spoiled enough to believe that if I ignore it, it will be ok the next day.

I'm going to be ok. So maybe I'll cry tonight. I've been through this before. I know that no matter how hard I may cry tonight, there will come a day when I won't even care to do so. There will be a day that I may not really forget, but I won't completely remember.

I may be sorry I'm giving up, because giving up not only means that I failed in some way, but also because I know that I'm not the only persn hurt by my actions. However, this period in my life will teach me somehow, just about what is more important for me and for the one I love. If I just am not more important than his pride, then, there is just no going from here. This is as far as I go and I'll be taking myself back little by little.

Am I safe this way?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On whether I should care...

I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in. He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right? No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah! I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helples...
Post a Comment
Read more

Mirrors and Purple glitter

Am I the girl I see in the mirror? My head is in such a haze but when I look in the mirror, I look ok. My make-up is low-key and simply pretty. My hair is up in a ponytail and not all over the place. I’m actually in a pretty white blouse, plain brown dress pants and my trusty flats. If I look far enough away, I don’t see the tears almost breaking out, the stupid confusion in my eyes and the almost pinched look on my lips. I look ok. The dark purple fingernails feel weird for me all day. I miss the red almost-bloodlike tips. I miss sinking the tips of long nails on someone’s flesh. Ahhh... Well... I’ve cut them down to a sufficiently short length so as not to hurt anyone now. I know that I’m being unfair right now and that I’m spiralling on a really bad place. I’m spinning this weave that I’m getting stuck on. It’s not like I want to get stuck. I just don’t know what else to do except spin it and spin it until I get dizzy ...
2 comments
Read more

On separation

Whenever I listen to you, it seems that even paper flowers have a fragrance. I remember the night we met. It almost seems so long ago with so many things happening between us and yet it was only a year and a half. June 5, 2011.  It was close to midnight, I guess. You changed my life then. I was so low and so broken. I wanted to feel something from the emptiness inside me and you came along, with that big smile, that twinkle in your eyes, that confidence daring the world to take you apart. I was not impressed but I was broken enough not to care because simply, I wanted someone to touch me and keep me warm. You took the chance and told me you loved me then and there. I thought you were full of yourself but I let you be you and let you touch me. We spent the day after together. I still remember Chowking and what I ordered. And when you left me in the morning after, I felt just a little less broken. Little by little, I was mended and was stronger and one day, a month after, I ...
Post a Comment
Read more