Argh! Weird week. Nanay and Tatay shouldn't have come to Manila. I've gotten complacant. Last Friday, when I came home, I actually forgot to lock the door. I didn't even turn the knob lock. That's so stupid of me. I was already going to go to sleep and it was already 1:30 am when I checked if I locked the door and bolted everything, it turns out that I didn't. Argh! You'd think I'd be more careful. And when I woke up today, I checked if I turned the knob on the gas before going to sleep and I didn't. And to top it all off, I almost burned the apartment. Just a few more minutes and I would probably be dead due to stupidity. I filled the kettle to heat some water to cook the oats in and completely forgot about it. I didn't even remember heating the water. I actually went back to sleep with the five more minutes attitude. When I woke up, there was the smell of plastic burning. I thought it was the newly-repaired electric fan but when I checked it, it wasn't even warm. But when I went outside the room, it was smoking. At first I thought the smoke came from outside and I was going to forget about it but then I saw the kettle on top of the stove and the stove was burning. The plastic handle completely burned off. There was no more water inside and the fire was still going. What can one expect? I turned off the stove and ran water over the smoking melted plastic. Argh! How stupid can I get? Well... I've actually been stupid like this one and a half years ago but then, I thought I've gotten over it. I have got to get ahold of myself.
I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in. He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right? No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah! I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helples...
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