Skip to main content
I'm riding the heat of my anger. Later, I'm going to cry my heart out. So much waste. I can't take it. I feel hurt inside. I feel raw. I have nothing. I feel so bad. I feel so sad. I can't take it. I don't want anything anymore.

I lived my life, day to day, for him, because I believed in him and I believed in my love for him. I believed in his love for me. Now, what do I believe in?

Am I nothing now? Just another girl in a lifetime of another person. I wish I was more. I wish I was the one. I wish that I could be the one to be loved forever.

Now what am I? What is he now? I thought I was the girl for him. I hoped and prayed and actually believed that he was the one I was waiting for. I'm so stupid. I'm too stupid. I should have known. I really should have known better. But then, I kept hoping and praying. I'm so stupid.

I really don't know what path to take anymore. Just yesterday, I still believed that the path I was taking was true. But now, I see the gaping hole in the path that I cannot pass through. The hole will not be filled and I am as empty as that hole that seems to go on forever. Should I turn back and find another path? Should I just turn around? I want to stay and stare at that hole forever. I want to die in this path because it was the path that made me happy. But then, it wasn't a true path, was it? It was just my illusion. So all the happiness I had was an illusion. Nothing is true anymore.

I want to believe in him and I want to believe in me. But then, I don't believe in him anymore. I guess I don't believe in myself anymore either.

I hate this. I hate him. I hate myself.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On whether I should care...

I'm on a the verge of tears but I am successfully able to hold them in. I don't want to cry here where no one really cares how I feel. I have to hold it in. He's not saying anything and it hurts just a little because he makes me feel like crap sometimes. Whenever I feel like this, I don't want to feel much of anything anymore. I don't want to care anymore. There is me with him and there is me without him. There's a marked difference because the me without him is an empty shell. But then, no matter how empty I may be, I am still myself, right? No one understands why I am like this. Maybe someone out there does but it hurts that even he doesn't understand. If he truly understand, then he would care enough to write, he would care enough to let me know that he's alive. Ah! I'm being scary again. And I am scary. It's not so much that I scare other people. It's more like I scare myself. Probably because this feeling of rage, this feeling of helples...
Post a Comment
Read more

Mirrors and Purple glitter

Am I the girl I see in the mirror? My head is in such a haze but when I look in the mirror, I look ok. My make-up is low-key and simply pretty. My hair is up in a ponytail and not all over the place. I’m actually in a pretty white blouse, plain brown dress pants and my trusty flats. If I look far enough away, I don’t see the tears almost breaking out, the stupid confusion in my eyes and the almost pinched look on my lips. I look ok. The dark purple fingernails feel weird for me all day. I miss the red almost-bloodlike tips. I miss sinking the tips of long nails on someone’s flesh. Ahhh... Well... I’ve cut them down to a sufficiently short length so as not to hurt anyone now. I know that I’m being unfair right now and that I’m spiralling on a really bad place. I’m spinning this weave that I’m getting stuck on. It’s not like I want to get stuck. I just don’t know what else to do except spin it and spin it until I get dizzy ...
2 comments
Read more

On separation

Whenever I listen to you, it seems that even paper flowers have a fragrance. I remember the night we met. It almost seems so long ago with so many things happening between us and yet it was only a year and a half. June 5, 2011.  It was close to midnight, I guess. You changed my life then. I was so low and so broken. I wanted to feel something from the emptiness inside me and you came along, with that big smile, that twinkle in your eyes, that confidence daring the world to take you apart. I was not impressed but I was broken enough not to care because simply, I wanted someone to touch me and keep me warm. You took the chance and told me you loved me then and there. I thought you were full of yourself but I let you be you and let you touch me. We spent the day after together. I still remember Chowking and what I ordered. And when you left me in the morning after, I felt just a little less broken. Little by little, I was mended and was stronger and one day, a month after, I ...
Post a Comment
Read more